there are several things about this that are just going to suck no matter what! 

i love it when a plan comes together....

Jewel has become a fantastic backseat driver.  She even asked, "Mom, are your lights on?" It was so distracting that I had a hard time driving because she kept yelling, "Watch out, Mom! Turn here!  Slow down, there's a red light."  hahaha funny!!  Then, we got home and Trevor played the song on the Spiderman clock over and over.  He said, "I have to play it while we hang the posters."  (We were hanging spiderman posters.)  Things are settling in, I am not spending as much time with the kids as I want, but I have a few plans in the works to make that better.  In the meantime, I am very happy that all of the mental work that Trent and I put into this has begun to payoff.  We are finding a very pleasant place just between being exes and friends that is allowing me to let go of the emotional struggle of the relationship without being an enemy.  We spend time together with the kids and the hurt is tolerable, and we are remembering to continue helping and encouraging each other.  The peace is really helping to offset the misery and I have felt pretty good for a few weeks now.  It seems that both of us are adjusting well and that is helping the kids to adjust.  I am sure that as long as the kids are doing good and nothing that we do affects them too much I will continue to feel better and happier about our progress. 

what i'm up to right now....

new everything...

I did not want to change the kids' routine any more than I already have with my school and work.  What a complete change this is from the plans we had when Jewel was born.  We have been relatively successful at keeping things the same for the kids.  The only thing that changes for them during the week is where they sleep.  So far, the weekends have not changed, because I work all weekend.  I have reduced my hours recently, and hope to find a different job soon.  It doesn't have to be "better", I just need to work different hours.  If I can find something soon, I will be able to keep the kids more often.  It feels strange to say "the kids" too, because it feels like the last time I really "blogged" I was still calling them the "babies and Taylor".  I really despise time sometimes, haha.  I started to loathe this blog for a while.  It is like a stab in the heart to read old posts.  I am getting hopeful that I can make things "good" again, we are, it seems, heading in the only good direction left.  I still hold a little hope that we can somehow turn this around, but I don't think I am capable of going back to the person I was.  Ok, enough of that kind of talk.  The kids are staying again tonight, so I will try to take some pictures.  We still have some things to move in and unpack, but so far they like staying with me, which is a relief, but perhaps it is still a novelty.  We did manage to place things at both houses that make them feel like home, and that helps.  They haven't been behaving differently (yet) except that Jewel has taken my spot in the bed at Trent's.  Trevor loves my apartment and begs to stay all the time, but we are trying to remain firm on the schedule, mostly because we have to.  Yes, it breaks my heart.  I think that I can get myself through the last of this semester, but not sure how my GPA will survive.  I had hoped to leave here with a 3.8, but it looks like I won't.  I will have to see how things work out.  I have a lot of schoolish issues to take care of, transferring, graduating, etc.  So, not that much going on, haha.   

holy cow!  it's the return of the furious circles!!!!  every child has different needs right now, there is a ton of emotional garbage to wade through, there is all this financial stuff floating around and that isn't even mentioning school....good thing i am a strong swimmer...

it really annoys me when people assume they understand your motives, when they have not had a single discussion with you about the situation.  it is also frustrating when people who have never been anywhere near where you are presume to know better than you what is right or best for you.  it smacks of arrogance and ignorance....

life right now

i am on the edge of my seat.  scared, ready, sad, excited.... i just don't know how i feel.  i don't like to wait and not knowing what is next is even more difficult.  after years of constancy, i am spoiled.  i know that i once embraced adventurous wandering and exciting changes, but, i am not sure that i find this combination of emotions particularly pleasant right now.  i am at least very confident that i am capable, something that i doubted when i was younger...

ah, i have only 2 hours (almost exactly) between getting off work and physics class.  i should be doing a couple calculus problems, but i decided to give myself a free play time, haha.  it feels like it has been forever since i sat down with the kids playing in the house.  jewel is playing dress-up, trevor is playing on nickjr.com.  jewel is so funny today.  trevor is just being so sweet as usual.  i really love watching them play.  i miss time like this, but i should have some more times like this by the end of october, and hopefully, then, i will get some time to take some pictures of our life for the blog.  i feel like i have basically stopped using the blog.  i suspect this is because i don't know what to use it for anymore.  there have been so many reasons over the years, constantly changing reasons.   i don't really like it being just my thoughts, i wanted it to be a record (of sorts) of the changes (progress, haha) and thoughts of the family.  now that our family is changing in (to me) an unpleasant way i don't find pleasure in "sharing" things.  i suppose it is a matter of pride. i could have kept posting the interesting things i find and learn and teach the kids, but i hardly have time to do it, much less talk about it here.  however, in happier (ummmm, sort of ) news, i am very, very close to moving out.  it should be this weekend or the next i suspect, at the most one more week beyond that.  but, i am preparing for it to happen this week.  i really can't stand the wait.  well, time is up.

I just heard from Mimi that Trevor is doing running flips into the pool at the beach!  I can't believe he is five and is so smart and amazing in every way!  Also, I was working on Calculus homework and started to wonder what the family quote will be next year.  I can not believe it is almost Halloween, it is all Jewel is talking about.  Wow, time is really slipping away and I know it hasn't felt fast this year, but now, looking back it does.  I hope that the remainder of this year goes smoothly, I should be moving out sometime in the next 3 weeks.  I am so over this anticipation, and so ready to continue past this "pause" in my life.  I suppose it isn't actually a pause... I should probably start focusing on that.  It may make the next few weeks feel better...

it really sucks to give up on something that is really close to exactly what you want, in exchange for something that you never wanted...