it really annoys me when people assume they understand your motives, when they have not had a single discussion with you about the situation.  it is also frustrating when people who have never been anywhere near where you are presume to know better than you what is right or best for you.  it smacks of arrogance and ignorance....

life right now

i am on the edge of my seat.  scared, ready, sad, excited.... i just don't know how i feel.  i don't like to wait and not knowing what is next is even more difficult.  after years of constancy, i am spoiled.  i know that i once embraced adventurous wandering and exciting changes, but, i am not sure that i find this combination of emotions particularly pleasant right now.  i am at least very confident that i am capable, something that i doubted when i was younger...

ah, i have only 2 hours (almost exactly) between getting off work and physics class.  i should be doing a couple calculus problems, but i decided to give myself a free play time, haha.  it feels like it has been forever since i sat down with the kids playing in the house.  jewel is playing dress-up, trevor is playing on nickjr.com.  jewel is so funny today.  trevor is just being so sweet as usual.  i really love watching them play.  i miss time like this, but i should have some more times like this by the end of october, and hopefully, then, i will get some time to take some pictures of our life for the blog.  i feel like i have basically stopped using the blog.  i suspect this is because i don't know what to use it for anymore.  there have been so many reasons over the years, constantly changing reasons.   i don't really like it being just my thoughts, i wanted it to be a record (of sorts) of the changes (progress, haha) and thoughts of the family.  now that our family is changing in (to me) an unpleasant way i don't find pleasure in "sharing" things.  i suppose it is a matter of pride. i could have kept posting the interesting things i find and learn and teach the kids, but i hardly have time to do it, much less talk about it here.  however, in happier (ummmm, sort of ) news, i am very, very close to moving out.  it should be this weekend or the next i suspect, at the most one more week beyond that.  but, i am preparing for it to happen this week.  i really can't stand the wait.  well, time is up.

I just heard from Mimi that Trevor is doing running flips into the pool at the beach!  I can't believe he is five and is so smart and amazing in every way!  Also, I was working on Calculus homework and started to wonder what the family quote will be next year.  I can not believe it is almost Halloween, it is all Jewel is talking about.  Wow, time is really slipping away and I know it hasn't felt fast this year, but now, looking back it does.  I hope that the remainder of this year goes smoothly, I should be moving out sometime in the next 3 weeks.  I am so over this anticipation, and so ready to continue past this "pause" in my life.  I suppose it isn't actually a pause... I should probably start focusing on that.  It may make the next few weeks feel better...

it really sucks to give up on something that is really close to exactly what you want, in exchange for something that you never wanted...

life..

so, this morning was a rare morning because i actually had a minute to enjoy the day to day things that i normally forget are happening.  (only normally lately.)  as we were backing out of the driveway, Jewel informed me that Trevor was going to be the incredible hulk, she was going to be a princess (princess peach to be exact) and the i was going to be a.... a castle.  i think i am to be the castle that she is in, because she said, "yeah, and the castle needs a princess in it."  the conversation continued to be hilarious until i dropped off the brilliant trevor at his school.  then, i came home to have a relaxed conversation with taylor about life and school.  then, i went to my calculus class, for which i had been able to prepare ahead of time.  what a great morning.  i am confident at this point that the move will happen very soon, and a morning like this makes me hopeful that a new routine can be found, after the move, that will be pleasant.  i even found time today to read some old emails that included funny physics songs, articles about math, and some great interactive sites for science and math.  oh yeah, that made me feel almost normal again....

I am really disappointed with so many of my decisions right now.  I don't mean that I should have chosen something else, just that the consequences are exactly what I expected.  Taylor's school is indeed as sad an education as I expected (he is capable of learning much more, much faster) and the impending move (delayed as it is) is weighing me down.  Also, there are several opportunities that I have had to pass up, that I would have thoroughly enjoyed if I were still homeschooling all the kids.  Trevor and Jewel are still learning a lot, but I wonder if I would have been able to do better.  Also, I have no time for the self-indulgent reading and learning that I once made time for.  Now, it is all work and no fun.  And, even the reminder that it will not always be so is no help, because by the time it isn't so, the kids will barely be kids anymore.  This sucks (yes, yes, I know,....only in some ways).  I hope I am able to find the joy again, when I get my own place. 

I am starting a new workout program (Insanity), hopefully it will be just what I need to get the last twenty pounds off.  We will see, also, I have to change some plans.  I think I know what I am going to do and it is at least a plan that it won't hurt to shoot for, even if it isn't going to work.  It's just that I don't think this job is going to work out.  I really don't think that the problems that go on there are going to remain tolerable.  I really hate it because I actually enjoy the work part of the job.  Anywho, as usual, I am confident that I can make something work.  I really don't see the point in hoping I do.  Only doing it is going to get it done. 

i am really feeling it, this weekend.  i was supposed to be moving out...i think i will only make it through the next month or so, one week at a time.  i hope it is not as miserable as it seems it will be. 

school....

Taylor is really loving middle school, so far.  And my semester is looking great, all of my teachers are good, i get to take physics with calculus, finally, and my study buddy options are growing.  I have a problem with moving out again, but it is temporary and really, the forced delay will help in some ways. (Yes, I am forcing myself to look at the bright side, because I can't handle the disappointment.)  Despite all the extremely bad things that continue, there is a lot of good.  I have delayed looking for a new job for now, but it is only a matter of being too busy or maybe I should I should say my job must not be miserable enough yet.  I am actually happier with it now than I was a month ago, because of some improvements that were going on there, we'll see if it continues to improve. It is not a job that I see as irreplaceable.  Jewel just grew into the pajamas that Morlynn used to wear all the time and it reminds us all of having Morlynn here.  Trevor will be five in just a few weeks and Taylor will be 13 this year.  I really regret that all of this has taken so long.  I hope that when it happens they are able to adjust and handle it.  I have been doing a little reading to see what some of the advice on the matter says.  I think we will be fine...