it really sucks to give up on something that is really close to exactly what you want, in exchange for something that you never wanted...

life..

so, this morning was a rare morning because i actually had a minute to enjoy the day to day things that i normally forget are happening.  (only normally lately.)  as we were backing out of the driveway, Jewel informed me that Trevor was going to be the incredible hulk, she was going to be a princess (princess peach to be exact) and the i was going to be a.... a castle.  i think i am to be the castle that she is in, because she said, "yeah, and the castle needs a princess in it."  the conversation continued to be hilarious until i dropped off the brilliant trevor at his school.  then, i came home to have a relaxed conversation with taylor about life and school.  then, i went to my calculus class, for which i had been able to prepare ahead of time.  what a great morning.  i am confident at this point that the move will happen very soon, and a morning like this makes me hopeful that a new routine can be found, after the move, that will be pleasant.  i even found time today to read some old emails that included funny physics songs, articles about math, and some great interactive sites for science and math.  oh yeah, that made me feel almost normal again....

I am really disappointed with so many of my decisions right now.  I don't mean that I should have chosen something else, just that the consequences are exactly what I expected.  Taylor's school is indeed as sad an education as I expected (he is capable of learning much more, much faster) and the impending move (delayed as it is) is weighing me down.  Also, there are several opportunities that I have had to pass up, that I would have thoroughly enjoyed if I were still homeschooling all the kids.  Trevor and Jewel are still learning a lot, but I wonder if I would have been able to do better.  Also, I have no time for the self-indulgent reading and learning that I once made time for.  Now, it is all work and no fun.  And, even the reminder that it will not always be so is no help, because by the time it isn't so, the kids will barely be kids anymore.  This sucks (yes, yes, I know,....only in some ways).  I hope I am able to find the joy again, when I get my own place.