If you are patient, people can surprise you... Too tired to blog now; I have finals all over the place, up at 4 again tomorrow... :)

Looking around and smiling at what we see...

Wow!  Life is twisty and turny, and for that, I am grateful.  We have all found our separate ways to a beautiful place together.  This is the place we were trying to find all along, but we would have never predicted the paths that led us here.  Ha ha, takes me back to the original title of the blog "Here we Are- There we go"  We had just begun efforts to loose weight and wrap our heads around having two little ones and two big kids, started a garden and started homeschooling.  What an adventure I expected.  I still miss that house and yard.  But, I do love our house (especially now that I am back in it).  We have made some serious decisions about some things, and I expect this to alleviate the bad that disrupted our lives for the last three or four years.  That is all I really have to say about it, if you want details, you have to ask.  hee hee  I am ,of course, thrilled with all of this, but as usual I am guarded (no one wants to be a fool).  I just keep thinking, how do I get so lucky, how did I manage to get to the place I wanted to be.  I know I was really working hard, but I never really believed it would happen.  At some point, I just assumed it was "too late".  I thought, "there is no coming back from this", and everyone seemed to agree.  But, I really really really didn't want to accept that.  The consequences of that seem too much like torture, just too much unpleasant and not enough reward.  And, luckily, we seemed to finally agree about that.  The cost of staying together, is apparently not enough to make the torture worth it.  We have found our voices again, we are talking and listening again, really listening. In all the chaos, we found ourselves, our original selves, huddled in the middle, together.  At least, that seems the best way to summarize at the moment.  haha  So, here we are, again...

3/3/03

It is that day again.  Eight years...It doesn't seem like that is possible, but it must be so.  I don't know what I hope to be doing on this day next year, but I am satisfied with what I am doing today.  It is nothing spectacular, but it is something worthwhile.  In the end, my efforts will lead to a positive change in my life.  That is enough for today.  Something spectacular will crop up soon and often enough. 

where we are...

it has been a long time since i have thought about it much, because there has been so many other things that needed my thought.  however, today i caught myself enjoying a lot of little things.  the selection of music for my run made me smile, the fact that i had a great stand-up to watch, time to watch a documentary tonight, just lots of little things.  i am sure this has been happening for a few months now, but i hadn't noticed.  that is funny, because prior to the separation, we often discussed how difficult it was for us to just be happy about all the little things.  it was even harder to actively allow ourselves to seek out and make time for things that make up happy.  i am glad it is happening without conscious effort again, that is definitely a step in the right direction.  i still don't know what the future holds but enjoying each hour along the way as much as possible can't hurt (i hope, haha).   here's to progress and pleasure. 

i don't know what to say....things are good, getting better, and i am extremely....content.  it seems that trent is good too.  the kids are great, school is good, berries are growing, and the dog is good.  oh yeah, the sea monkeys are good, haha.  i can't really talk about much yet, but everyone is happy and getting happier. keep your fingers crossed.  i think this is going to be a year that ends in a great place, and for now we are just enjoying it the way we prefer to enjoy things, in the present.   here's to giving it our best effort!

I just finished the first week back at school and so far, I think this should be a great semester.  I like all the new teachers and there is no mandatory homework, so that is good.  I am studying tonight and plan to stay ahead of it.  We'll just see, I suppose.  I will have honor society events to mix in and will be working of course, but I think things will all work out.  Hopefully all of the little things about this new way of living that annoy me will continue to improve or I will get used to them.  The kids really seem to be adjusting better than us.  So, that was the update.  More to follow.

a final word, then to hell with this mess...

For anyone who is interested in the truth.... There have been a large number of lies told about me.  They are usually told to explain away my anger or sadness over certain situations.  However, certain people are much better at hiding things than me.  I don't like to pretend to be something that I am not. and so, when I get a text or phone call that upsets me (that of course, no one else can see or hear) I react.  When I do something I am not proud of, I don't mind admitting my faults.  However, when I am surrounded by those who are desperate to deny what I am angry about, they will say whatever they must to be sure that I am looked at poorly and they are not found out.  I have been angry for good reason, and sad for good reason, and I will not now, or ever pretend that I am happy when they are pretending that I have no reason to be angry.  I started out nice, just asking for help, asking for support, wishing that someone would help me turn things around.  Instead of help, I found hostility towards me, as if I was the one doing the wrong.  I thought that perhaps I wasn't being understood, but soon realized that I wasn't being heard at all, and eventually that grew into not being wanted.  I tried to show myself as the person I want to be, the person I have always seen myself as...responsible, smart, a love for learning, no need for money or frills, happy and confident.  But, myself got buried under the frustration and anger that comes from being told to shut up repeatedly.  I never wanted things to go this way, I wanted everyone to do the right thing, I wanted us both to live up to our own images of ourselves.  I didn't want to pretend that we were doing the right thing, I wanted to actually be doing the right thing.  I was alone in this, it would seem.  It also began to seem that the desperation I felt was matched by someone elses' need for me to just shut up, regardless of their behavior.  I would not have ever just let that behavior continue to hurt me while they acted as if they were better than that behavior.  Pretending to have honor does not make you honorable....If you want to really know me, or want to know the truth about why I am upset, I suggest you ask me.  Because some others care about their reputations more than the truth.  I suppose in some circles that is acceptable or even considered the correct attitude, however to me, it shows a great lack courage.  It also shows that you take yourself to be without flaw, which is laughable.  Lying to yourself only fools you and no amount of lying about me will undo your mistakes or make me stop telling the truth.  This whole situation hurts me very much, because I think that if the truth were told, I wouldn't be crying alone, I bet I would have some others supporting me.  I don't think that quieting the truth, makes the mistakes less wrong or the lies any more true.  And, you should know that eventually the truth may reveal itself.  Whether it happens or not, I will never regret my honesty.
  A final note:  I still very much wish that things could be different, and would never wish ill to Trent, so in (yes, a smart ass way) the only way I can phrase it while remaining honest... I hope that each of us gets back one day all that we put into this relationship.  If for no other reason than to learn lessons and better ourselves.   I hope that one day I will be friends with all whom I have lost from this horrible situation and that our children will not be too heavily affected by it. 

this year will be my best in a long time...i can't wait.

It is a New Year...

I read The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams to the kids before I put them to bed tonight.  This is my favorite excerpt. It is the page that has always meant something to me.  It means so much more now.

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room.  "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse.  "It's a thing that happens to you.  When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

 "Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful.  "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse.  "You become.  It takes a long time.  That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.  Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby.  But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."  

Here's to a hopeful New Year!  

Mom's quote for the year...

I like this one better, because it is more like the attitude that I have always had and need now more than ever.. "Even if you fall on your face, you're still moving forward."  Victor Kiam