For anyone who is interested in the truth.... There have been a large number of lies told about me. They are usually told to explain away my anger or sadness over certain situations. However, certain people are much better at hiding things than me. I don't like to pretend to be something that I am not. and so, when I get a text or phone call that upsets me (that of course, no one else can see or hear) I react. When I do something I am not proud of, I don't mind admitting my faults. However, when I am surrounded by those who are desperate to deny what I am angry about, they will say whatever they must to be sure that I am looked at poorly and they are not found out. I have been angry for good reason, and sad for good reason, and I will not now, or ever pretend that I am happy when they are pretending that I have no reason to be angry. I started out nice, just asking for help, asking for support, wishing that someone would help me turn things around. Instead of help, I found hostility towards me, as if I was the one doing the wrong. I thought that perhaps I wasn't being understood, but soon realized that I wasn't being heard at all, and eventually that grew into not being wanted. I tried to show myself as the person I want to be, the person I have always seen myself as...responsible, smart, a love for learning, no need for money or frills, happy and confident. But, myself got buried under the frustration and anger that comes from being told to shut up repeatedly. I never wanted things to go this way, I wanted everyone to do the right thing, I wanted us both to live up to our own images of ourselves. I didn't want to pretend that we were doing the right thing, I wanted to actually be doing the right thing. I was alone in this, it would seem. It also began to seem that the desperation I felt was matched by someone elses' need for me to just shut up, regardless of their behavior. I would not have ever just let that behavior continue to hurt me while they acted as if they were better than that behavior. Pretending to have honor does not make you honorable....If you want to really know me, or want to know the truth about why I am upset, I suggest you ask me. Because some others care about their reputations more than the truth. I suppose in some circles that is acceptable or even considered the correct attitude, however to me, it shows a great lack courage. It also shows that you take yourself to be without flaw, which is laughable. Lying to yourself only fools you and no amount of lying about me will undo your mistakes or make me stop telling the truth. This whole situation hurts me very much, because I think that if the truth were told, I wouldn't be crying alone, I bet I would have some others supporting me. I don't think that quieting the truth, makes the mistakes less wrong or the lies any more true. And, you should know that eventually the truth may reveal itself. Whether it happens or not, I will never regret my honesty.
A final note: I still very much wish that things could be different, and would never wish ill to Trent, so in (yes, a smart ass way) the only way I can phrase it while remaining honest... I hope that each of us gets back one day all that we put into this relationship. If for no other reason than to learn lessons and better ourselves. I hope that one day I will be friends with all whom I have lost from this horrible situation and that our children will not be too heavily affected by it.
"The world is a comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those who feel." Horace Walpole
