I just finished the first week back at school and so far, I think this should be a great semester.  I like all the new teachers and there is no mandatory homework, so that is good.  I am studying tonight and plan to stay ahead of it.  We'll just see, I suppose.  I will have honor society events to mix in and will be working of course, but I think things will all work out.  Hopefully all of the little things about this new way of living that annoy me will continue to improve or I will get used to them.  The kids really seem to be adjusting better than us.  So, that was the update.  More to follow.

a final word, then to hell with this mess...

For anyone who is interested in the truth.... There have been a large number of lies told about me.  They are usually told to explain away my anger or sadness over certain situations.  However, certain people are much better at hiding things than me.  I don't like to pretend to be something that I am not. and so, when I get a text or phone call that upsets me (that of course, no one else can see or hear) I react.  When I do something I am not proud of, I don't mind admitting my faults.  However, when I am surrounded by those who are desperate to deny what I am angry about, they will say whatever they must to be sure that I am looked at poorly and they are not found out.  I have been angry for good reason, and sad for good reason, and I will not now, or ever pretend that I am happy when they are pretending that I have no reason to be angry.  I started out nice, just asking for help, asking for support, wishing that someone would help me turn things around.  Instead of help, I found hostility towards me, as if I was the one doing the wrong.  I thought that perhaps I wasn't being understood, but soon realized that I wasn't being heard at all, and eventually that grew into not being wanted.  I tried to show myself as the person I want to be, the person I have always seen myself as...responsible, smart, a love for learning, no need for money or frills, happy and confident.  But, myself got buried under the frustration and anger that comes from being told to shut up repeatedly.  I never wanted things to go this way, I wanted everyone to do the right thing, I wanted us both to live up to our own images of ourselves.  I didn't want to pretend that we were doing the right thing, I wanted to actually be doing the right thing.  I was alone in this, it would seem.  It also began to seem that the desperation I felt was matched by someone elses' need for me to just shut up, regardless of their behavior.  I would not have ever just let that behavior continue to hurt me while they acted as if they were better than that behavior.  Pretending to have honor does not make you honorable....If you want to really know me, or want to know the truth about why I am upset, I suggest you ask me.  Because some others care about their reputations more than the truth.  I suppose in some circles that is acceptable or even considered the correct attitude, however to me, it shows a great lack courage.  It also shows that you take yourself to be without flaw, which is laughable.  Lying to yourself only fools you and no amount of lying about me will undo your mistakes or make me stop telling the truth.  This whole situation hurts me very much, because I think that if the truth were told, I wouldn't be crying alone, I bet I would have some others supporting me.  I don't think that quieting the truth, makes the mistakes less wrong or the lies any more true.  And, you should know that eventually the truth may reveal itself.  Whether it happens or not, I will never regret my honesty.
  A final note:  I still very much wish that things could be different, and would never wish ill to Trent, so in (yes, a smart ass way) the only way I can phrase it while remaining honest... I hope that each of us gets back one day all that we put into this relationship.  If for no other reason than to learn lessons and better ourselves.   I hope that one day I will be friends with all whom I have lost from this horrible situation and that our children will not be too heavily affected by it. 

this year will be my best in a long time...i can't wait.

It is a New Year...

I read The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams to the kids before I put them to bed tonight.  This is my favorite excerpt. It is the page that has always meant something to me.  It means so much more now.

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room.  "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse.  "It's a thing that happens to you.  When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

 "Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful.  "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse.  "You become.  It takes a long time.  That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.  Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby.  But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."  

Here's to a hopeful New Year!  

Mom's quote for the year...

I like this one better, because it is more like the attitude that I have always had and need now more than ever.. "Even if you fall on your face, you're still moving forward."  Victor Kiam

Quotes for the new year... I will make it "Mom's quote" now.  This one didn't make it, but it will be added to the side bar.  "No one can be happy who has been thrust outside the pale of truth. And there are two ways that one can be removed from this realm: by lying, or by being lied to."  Lucius Annaeus Seneca.  I don't know yet, I may still choose differently, but right now I will use..."Anger is like those ruins which smash themselves on what they fall."  by the same author.  I think though that it is not a reminder I need, so perhaps I am choosing it for the wrong reason.  We'll see...

The old profile...

Not sure if this has been posted before, but this is the profile that has been up until today.... I will be changing it momentarily..... trying to stay positive from now on, because the choice to change this has been taken from me.  I really don't feel like it has all sunk in yet, but I know I am disappointed that things didn't get better when I moved out.  I thought that would turn everything around.  Or at least slow it down.  So, here I am, and here goes a different life again...

Why a werewolf, a vampire, and pirates? When we first started dating, we had a discussion about a silly question. Would you rather be a werewolf or a vampire? I said vampire, and he said werewolf. We debated this ferociously for a while, and finally agreed that we were just different. The longer we have shared a life, the more we have seen that these answers said more about us than we realized. Do you have faith in brute strength or subtle ability, do you control yourself or act from instinct, do you howl at the moon sometimes or is every night an opportunity for spontaneous adventures? We've also learned that these differences don't matter as much as the fact that we could have the conversation at all. Our poor children are pirates because they pillage fun wherever they find it, and are raised by goons like us! Just two ill-prepared, "not really ready for it" parents, rushing to figure out the "right way" to parent and live, while we get our ducks in a row for our kids, preferably before they are grown. ha ha (that sums it up best) Just me, talking to myself, about us. my little excursion into blogging. a work in progress, much like my life...

a little happy in this sea of sad...