When I finally poke my head up out of my cave I will be stronger and better...right now, this is my worst nightmare of how the holidays would go.  I miss the idea of the way things were.  Merry Christmas.

Sometimes you just have to take a chance and try for the best.  Sometimes a chance isn't even a choice, it is the only thing you have...

so yeah....

Life is complicated, but with perseverance we know we will all adjust and thrive.  We are so much closer than we were a week ago to figuring this out and if things even stay this good for now we will be alright.  We, the adults, have all had to adjust some things recently that were uncomfortable, but now things are headed in a better direction.  Even better is the fact that we have a renewed commitment to work together and we are finally being a team again to get through this.  Divorce is no joke, haha (couldn't resist) and we are really sure how we want things to be for our family (the kids especially, but also each other).  It is good that we have spent so much time sorting out the specifics because that focus is giving us better clarity now, when emotions are high.  So, yeah, things are really turning better finally and I am seeing a light at the end of this tunnel....

since thanksgiving night I have been crying almost constantly.  yes, i am ashamed to admit that, but there you are...I feel like i am in almost the same state of mind i was in when ethan died.  i nod and sometimes smile or laugh, i can get dressed up, i can have conversations, but, i only take in a tiny bit of what is said and forget that bit, i can not feel happy, and i do not really feel "here"... my mind is always somewhere else, wishing and dreaming...i still had hope for us, but it must not be "meant to be"...enough crying, my crying will not change it, please let the moving on begin, this is taking too much out of me...

there are several things about this that are just going to suck no matter what! 

i love it when a plan comes together....

Jewel has become a fantastic backseat driver.  She even asked, "Mom, are your lights on?" It was so distracting that I had a hard time driving because she kept yelling, "Watch out, Mom! Turn here!  Slow down, there's a red light."  hahaha funny!!  Then, we got home and Trevor played the song on the Spiderman clock over and over.  He said, "I have to play it while we hang the posters."  (We were hanging spiderman posters.)  Things are settling in, I am not spending as much time with the kids as I want, but I have a few plans in the works to make that better.  In the meantime, I am very happy that all of the mental work that Trent and I put into this has begun to payoff.  We are finding a very pleasant place just between being exes and friends that is allowing me to let go of the emotional struggle of the relationship without being an enemy.  We spend time together with the kids and the hurt is tolerable, and we are remembering to continue helping and encouraging each other.  The peace is really helping to offset the misery and I have felt pretty good for a few weeks now.  It seems that both of us are adjusting well and that is helping the kids to adjust.  I am sure that as long as the kids are doing good and nothing that we do affects them too much I will continue to feel better and happier about our progress. 

what i'm up to right now....

new everything...

I did not want to change the kids' routine any more than I already have with my school and work.  What a complete change this is from the plans we had when Jewel was born.  We have been relatively successful at keeping things the same for the kids.  The only thing that changes for them during the week is where they sleep.  So far, the weekends have not changed, because I work all weekend.  I have reduced my hours recently, and hope to find a different job soon.  It doesn't have to be "better", I just need to work different hours.  If I can find something soon, I will be able to keep the kids more often.  It feels strange to say "the kids" too, because it feels like the last time I really "blogged" I was still calling them the "babies and Taylor".  I really despise time sometimes, haha.  I started to loathe this blog for a while.  It is like a stab in the heart to read old posts.  I am getting hopeful that I can make things "good" again, we are, it seems, heading in the only good direction left.  I still hold a little hope that we can somehow turn this around, but I don't think I am capable of going back to the person I was.  Ok, enough of that kind of talk.  The kids are staying again tonight, so I will try to take some pictures.  We still have some things to move in and unpack, but so far they like staying with me, which is a relief, but perhaps it is still a novelty.  We did manage to place things at both houses that make them feel like home, and that helps.  They haven't been behaving differently (yet) except that Jewel has taken my spot in the bed at Trent's.  Trevor loves my apartment and begs to stay all the time, but we are trying to remain firm on the schedule, mostly because we have to.  Yes, it breaks my heart.  I think that I can get myself through the last of this semester, but not sure how my GPA will survive.  I had hoped to leave here with a 3.8, but it looks like I won't.  I will have to see how things work out.  I have a lot of schoolish issues to take care of, transferring, graduating, etc.  So, not that much going on, haha.   

holy cow!  it's the return of the furious circles!!!!  every child has different needs right now, there is a ton of emotional garbage to wade through, there is all this financial stuff floating around and that isn't even mentioning school....good thing i am a strong swimmer...