it has been a great week, one of the best in a really long time.  I hope things keep going this way through the weekend! 

The Beach!!!!

Trent brought back some pictures from the beach!  It sounds like they all had a blast!  And without further ado, here they are...

Wow, it is so strange that the things we fear and avoid for the longest, are really not so bad.  I have actually seen the bright side of things and I really don't know why I have been dreading it.  Oh yeah, because this is destroying our family and makes me sad for my kids.  Just the same, I do now see a plus side, and as I can't change this, learning to like it only makes since.  The truth is that I don't know why I had to put it off this long.  :)

I think I will just make a list that describes my current situation.  The family is doing good, mostly without my presence.  I am too busy, slightly tired, relieved (in some ways), a little angry, pretty resentful, and very ready to have my own place.  I am happy about some things, but I hate that I don't have time for the things I love, the people I love, or the things that are important.  This is not fair, but I should be used to it by now....The only comforting thought I can force myself to believe is that this really couldn't have happened any other way....

holy moly!  i found my smile, and a job.  i really thought that they had changed their minds, but i got the call yesterday afternoon.  i haven't stopped smiling since!  i am sure that i am going to hate it quickly, but the paycheck will be a relief.  now, one more attempt at rearranging my plans and i will be once again following an ever evolving path toward my goals!  i am so happy!

dear life, .....i hate your face.  have a nice day. 

words and their limited meanings box my thoughts into packages in which they do not properly fit...

and it begins... i will be taking this slowly because i don't want to mess it up.  i am going to get my van ready to go with new tires, spark plugs, radiator (just replaced the battery), and just in general make sure it can handle all the driving i will be asking of it.  then, i will take my time finding a different place to live (my original choice will not work because of new expenses that have cropped up since planning began).  i will just stay with my parents in the meantime.  once i have a place picked out, i plan to slowly take things from this home to that one, but i want to be careful to pick things that will make my place fun without making this place seem like it is missing too much (i am thinking of the kids things here).  while all of this is going on, i will be getting a new routine worked out, getting A's in all my classes, trying to prevent taylor from missing too many music lessons, and trying to play with the kids some.  as soon as i get into my own place and get things settled, i want to get our activities back to fun.  i want coloring, art, science, games, exercise, grappling, and fun plundering back in my life.  i can't wait to have a reason to take some more great pictures of our lives again.  the hardest thing, i think, is going to be getting through all of this without resenting trent and without being angry that the outcome will not be as good as the perfection i once saw in our lives.  (i know it wasn't really perfect, but it felt that way so often, that i allowed myself to believe it was close enough to call it.)  i hope that i can quickly see improvement in the areas that needed it, because that will help.  i also hope that i can find ways to make the new reality better than i can imagine now, with new and unexpected discoveries along the way.  there i go getting positive and hopeful.  at least i haven't lost that part of me yet.

Well, that didn't last long.  I am still happy to be getting a job, but with it comes all the things that I spent years avoiding.  No time for the kids, more struggles for Trent and I (housekeeping, errands, etc), and more stressful situations to which we expose our brains. It is really bringing me down today, and I am just trying to make a list of all the new things I have to do.  I hope the fact that I am super busy will prevent me from being able to feel the sadness of all we are giving up.  Just thinking about those things is hurting me right now and I still have them.  I know that eventually things will settle into a new routine, and hopefully (by hopefully, I mean that I will be busting ass to make it happen) that routine will involve the things that I value most.  But, for now, (hate to be a downer) it is going to be about survival.  Scrambling to do homework and run errands and make arrangements for my own place are going to be the only things I have time for, at least for the next month or so.  Of course, lately we have been so focused on our relationship and trying to solve the problems we were facing that our routine has been ignored and the kids have had very little of those valued things anyway.  I suppose I am being a pessimist, and that is not like me.  I generally am not a pessimist or optimist but rather, of the mind that you do what you can, the best you can, and take what you get with positivity because you know you are doing all you can (am I a realist with a positive attitude? whatever ha ha labels...).  I think that perhaps I need to take a moment and apply that attitude to this situation.  Let me see if I can make this feel better.  (I don't know if that will happen...I mean, this is the second worst thing I can imagine us facing.)  I just really think divorce sucks, but I knew that before we ever considered it.  I suppose I just really wanted to believe that we would (considering how horrible this is) find a way to prevent it. :(

J-O-B, (aka "the key to my happiness")...

I think I just got hired.  By Jiffylube.  ha ha ha No, seriously I did.  I have to do an interview and they haven't seen my application (they couldn't find it online in their system?), but the manager for several stores just called and is extremely interested in hiring me.  Yay, me!!!! Now, I will be able to get a place here and the kids can stay with me!!! I am so relieved.  Well, I suppose I shouldn't get too excited just yet, but it is going to be full-time, so .... I am going to be so busy and I am sure that it will become less fun really quick, but I will be able to have everything I want except time.  After all the other great stuff that is happening in the last few days, it is unbelievable that I have this opportunity.  Whew, what a relief, it is just like me to pull through at the last minute.  I need to break that habit!  But, for now, Hip Hip Hurray!!