Well, that didn't last long.  I am still happy to be getting a job, but with it comes all the things that I spent years avoiding.  No time for the kids, more struggles for Trent and I (housekeeping, errands, etc), and more stressful situations to which we expose our brains. It is really bringing me down today, and I am just trying to make a list of all the new things I have to do.  I hope the fact that I am super busy will prevent me from being able to feel the sadness of all we are giving up.  Just thinking about those things is hurting me right now and I still have them.  I know that eventually things will settle into a new routine, and hopefully (by hopefully, I mean that I will be busting ass to make it happen) that routine will involve the things that I value most.  But, for now, (hate to be a downer) it is going to be about survival.  Scrambling to do homework and run errands and make arrangements for my own place are going to be the only things I have time for, at least for the next month or so.  Of course, lately we have been so focused on our relationship and trying to solve the problems we were facing that our routine has been ignored and the kids have had very little of those valued things anyway.  I suppose I am being a pessimist, and that is not like me.  I generally am not a pessimist or optimist but rather, of the mind that you do what you can, the best you can, and take what you get with positivity because you know you are doing all you can (am I a realist with a positive attitude? whatever ha ha labels...).  I think that perhaps I need to take a moment and apply that attitude to this situation.  Let me see if I can make this feel better.  (I don't know if that will happen...I mean, this is the second worst thing I can imagine us facing.)  I just really think divorce sucks, but I knew that before we ever considered it.  I suppose I just really wanted to believe that we would (considering how horrible this is) find a way to prevent it. :(

J-O-B, (aka "the key to my happiness")...

I think I just got hired.  By Jiffylube.  ha ha ha No, seriously I did.  I have to do an interview and they haven't seen my application (they couldn't find it online in their system?), but the manager for several stores just called and is extremely interested in hiring me.  Yay, me!!!! Now, I will be able to get a place here and the kids can stay with me!!! I am so relieved.  Well, I suppose I shouldn't get too excited just yet, but it is going to be full-time, so .... I am going to be so busy and I am sure that it will become less fun really quick, but I will be able to have everything I want except time.  After all the other great stuff that is happening in the last few days, it is unbelievable that I have this opportunity.  Whew, what a relief, it is just like me to pull through at the last minute.  I need to break that habit!  But, for now, Hip Hip Hurray!!

something nice...

I am feeling quite depressed about the impending move.  I am convinced that if I were able to get my own place (and take the kids with me/let them stay with me), I would be much more happy about it.  But, with the little ones being so young, and Taylor....I mean, I just can't even believe that this is how it is going to be.  I keep trying not to think about it, but that is impossible.  I know what depression feels like and this is it.  I tried to find ways to make this change feel like a good thing, but none of those distractions lasted long enough, nor were they strong enough.  I have 10 days until I will be living in a different house than my kids.  I remember leaving Taylor with my parents when I was in the Navy, and those first few days were horrible.  This is worse, I will have to leave them again and again, every night, I will have to make the decision to leave them and stay somewhere else.  I know that they will be safe and happy, but that is not the point.  It is one thing to have an argument and spend the night somewhere else, and it is acceptable to realize that I have to let go of the relationship with Trent (and all the wonderful things that marriage has brought into my life).  But, it is not acceptable, in any way, for any reason, to be absent from my childrens' lives.  I feel like a failure and there is nothing anyone can tell me that makes this ok.  My only hope is that the time I get to spend with them everyday will feel like enough when I am actually in it.  I hope that I am just being a wimp and dreading something that will not be as bad as I expect.  However, I got a taste of it, and it was that bad.  I meant to say some nice things about the kids. (Example:  Trevor said he wants to be a "rock star", I said, "You mean you want to collect rocks."  He said, "No!  I want to, you know, play guitar and jam with friends!"  Then, laughed histerically!  I live for moments like that.)  Unfortunately, I am very good at knowing what I need, and what I need is for the people who know me and care about me to know what I am really going through.  And, right now, it is not something nice.  (Yes, I can't wait for things to be happy again, too.  Life is just not cooperating.)