holy moly!  i found my smile, and a job.  i really thought that they had changed their minds, but i got the call yesterday afternoon.  i haven't stopped smiling since!  i am sure that i am going to hate it quickly, but the paycheck will be a relief.  now, one more attempt at rearranging my plans and i will be once again following an ever evolving path toward my goals!  i am so happy!

dear life, .....i hate your face.  have a nice day. 

words and their limited meanings box my thoughts into packages in which they do not properly fit...

and it begins... i will be taking this slowly because i don't want to mess it up.  i am going to get my van ready to go with new tires, spark plugs, radiator (just replaced the battery), and just in general make sure it can handle all the driving i will be asking of it.  then, i will take my time finding a different place to live (my original choice will not work because of new expenses that have cropped up since planning began).  i will just stay with my parents in the meantime.  once i have a place picked out, i plan to slowly take things from this home to that one, but i want to be careful to pick things that will make my place fun without making this place seem like it is missing too much (i am thinking of the kids things here).  while all of this is going on, i will be getting a new routine worked out, getting A's in all my classes, trying to prevent taylor from missing too many music lessons, and trying to play with the kids some.  as soon as i get into my own place and get things settled, i want to get our activities back to fun.  i want coloring, art, science, games, exercise, grappling, and fun plundering back in my life.  i can't wait to have a reason to take some more great pictures of our lives again.  the hardest thing, i think, is going to be getting through all of this without resenting trent and without being angry that the outcome will not be as good as the perfection i once saw in our lives.  (i know it wasn't really perfect, but it felt that way so often, that i allowed myself to believe it was close enough to call it.)  i hope that i can quickly see improvement in the areas that needed it, because that will help.  i also hope that i can find ways to make the new reality better than i can imagine now, with new and unexpected discoveries along the way.  there i go getting positive and hopeful.  at least i haven't lost that part of me yet.

Well, that didn't last long.  I am still happy to be getting a job, but with it comes all the things that I spent years avoiding.  No time for the kids, more struggles for Trent and I (housekeeping, errands, etc), and more stressful situations to which we expose our brains. It is really bringing me down today, and I am just trying to make a list of all the new things I have to do.  I hope the fact that I am super busy will prevent me from being able to feel the sadness of all we are giving up.  Just thinking about those things is hurting me right now and I still have them.  I know that eventually things will settle into a new routine, and hopefully (by hopefully, I mean that I will be busting ass to make it happen) that routine will involve the things that I value most.  But, for now, (hate to be a downer) it is going to be about survival.  Scrambling to do homework and run errands and make arrangements for my own place are going to be the only things I have time for, at least for the next month or so.  Of course, lately we have been so focused on our relationship and trying to solve the problems we were facing that our routine has been ignored and the kids have had very little of those valued things anyway.  I suppose I am being a pessimist, and that is not like me.  I generally am not a pessimist or optimist but rather, of the mind that you do what you can, the best you can, and take what you get with positivity because you know you are doing all you can (am I a realist with a positive attitude? whatever ha ha labels...).  I think that perhaps I need to take a moment and apply that attitude to this situation.  Let me see if I can make this feel better.  (I don't know if that will happen...I mean, this is the second worst thing I can imagine us facing.)  I just really think divorce sucks, but I knew that before we ever considered it.  I suppose I just really wanted to believe that we would (considering how horrible this is) find a way to prevent it. :(

J-O-B, (aka "the key to my happiness")...

I think I just got hired.  By Jiffylube.  ha ha ha No, seriously I did.  I have to do an interview and they haven't seen my application (they couldn't find it online in their system?), but the manager for several stores just called and is extremely interested in hiring me.  Yay, me!!!! Now, I will be able to get a place here and the kids can stay with me!!! I am so relieved.  Well, I suppose I shouldn't get too excited just yet, but it is going to be full-time, so .... I am going to be so busy and I am sure that it will become less fun really quick, but I will be able to have everything I want except time.  After all the other great stuff that is happening in the last few days, it is unbelievable that I have this opportunity.  Whew, what a relief, it is just like me to pull through at the last minute.  I need to break that habit!  But, for now, Hip Hip Hurray!!

something nice...

I am feeling quite depressed about the impending move.  I am convinced that if I were able to get my own place (and take the kids with me/let them stay with me), I would be much more happy about it.  But, with the little ones being so young, and Taylor....I mean, I just can't even believe that this is how it is going to be.  I keep trying not to think about it, but that is impossible.  I know what depression feels like and this is it.  I tried to find ways to make this change feel like a good thing, but none of those distractions lasted long enough, nor were they strong enough.  I have 10 days until I will be living in a different house than my kids.  I remember leaving Taylor with my parents when I was in the Navy, and those first few days were horrible.  This is worse, I will have to leave them again and again, every night, I will have to make the decision to leave them and stay somewhere else.  I know that they will be safe and happy, but that is not the point.  It is one thing to have an argument and spend the night somewhere else, and it is acceptable to realize that I have to let go of the relationship with Trent (and all the wonderful things that marriage has brought into my life).  But, it is not acceptable, in any way, for any reason, to be absent from my childrens' lives.  I feel like a failure and there is nothing anyone can tell me that makes this ok.  My only hope is that the time I get to spend with them everyday will feel like enough when I am actually in it.  I hope that I am just being a wimp and dreading something that will not be as bad as I expect.  However, I got a taste of it, and it was that bad.  I meant to say some nice things about the kids. (Example:  Trevor said he wants to be a "rock star", I said, "You mean you want to collect rocks."  He said, "No!  I want to, you know, play guitar and jam with friends!"  Then, laughed histerically!  I live for moments like that.)  Unfortunately, I am very good at knowing what I need, and what I need is for the people who know me and care about me to know what I am really going through.  And, right now, it is not something nice.  (Yes, I can't wait for things to be happy again, too.  Life is just not cooperating.)

on the plus side....

ha ha ha (no not a mood swing, just a little giggle, because there is still some happiness...my kids are fun plundering pirates remember...)  I just have to add that Jewel can play on the internet now, she still needs help changing sites or on other complicated moves, but she is playing Dora games in her panties right now.  Sitting at the big boy computer in the classroom, looking super adorable.  She has been watching Trevor play (jealously), hearing us say that she's too little and just to watch, for two years and finally it is her turn!  She started playing it last week just a little and now has taken over a "turn" in the cycle.  She climbs into the seat, demands assistance, and insists on playing until she doesn't want to.  I am so proud of her!  (boo hoo too ;))

my heart is broken...

Last night, I looked back at the blog, starting at exactly two years ago.  Right before we found out we were moving here.  Before going to school ever seemed really possible, before we really knew this new job well, before we gave in and changed our dreams (or at least were willing to back them up a bit).  The videos and pictures were great, I am so glad that I started the blog.  I really didn't think it was for me, or that it would last.  There was a lot I didn't know then, though, and the more I discovered the more the blog became cemented into our life.  I am not someone who does things without thinking about it (anymore).  If I do something once I can justify it once, even if just by saying "I didn't know better", but if I do it again, it is because I see a continual benefit.  I have gone through a long list of benefits to this blog.  I do wish it could continue to be the happy little blog that it was then.  I remember jumping on the trampoline in the rain, fishing, hiking, wrestling, and a million smiles.  I have cried everyday for a week at least.  I move out in two weeks, well as soon as the last repair on the van is made, and i don't know how I will survive until then.  I am very sad.  I wish I could find something to distract me from it, but everything I find only makes it worse.  I hope that once I am out and busy with school I will start to feel better.  Just the thought of feeling this way for two more weeks is terrible.  I haven't felt this way since Ethan died, for sure; well maybe this isn't as bad as that, but it is similar to the depression I felt right before we got pregnant with Trevor.  Everything the kids do reminds me of why I never wanted a divorce, of what I am giving up, and of the long road ahead for all of us.  I have been putting this off to avoid this feeling, and because once I am out, my real nightmare begins.  The nightmare where you can no longer deny that you are in hell, you can no longer pretend that you are on the yellow brick road, you have to accept that you are alone, in the dark and scary forest, and your tin man with the ax is not there to save you. I know that if there was any way to avoid this, I would have done it (I probably tried it). At any rate, the point is....if you want to see things the way we meant them to be, look at the blog two years ago.  There are things that I was leaving out, but I did my best to capture as much good as possible.  I guess that is all I have to say about that.  my heart is broken.

Plan B

One day I will learn not to doubt myself so much, but I think that probably if I didn't, I would need to.  (boy, i'm funny!)  Anyway, I am a big fan of overthinking, especially when it comes to planning or anticipating before a big move.  In the words of Sun Tzu, "The general who wins the battle makes many calculations in his temple before the battle is fought. The general who loses makes but few calculations beforehand."  I also like these quotes, "Thus it is that in war the victorious strategist only seeks battle after the victory has been won, whereas he who is destined to defeat first fights and afterwards looks for victory.", "To fight and conquer in all our battles is not supreme excellence; supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy's resistance without fighting.",and  "The general who advances without coveting fame and retreats without fearing disgrace, whose only thought is to protect his country and do good service for his sovereign, is the jewel of the kingdom."  So, there you go, the advice I give myself at times like these.  I know what I want to accomplish and a divorce is completely counter productive to my goals.  I really want my own place, but I don't think it will make me happy right now.  If I get a place, the bills will make it so that I never get to see the kids and I will not be able to save anything or do anything "fun".  I am most concerned that I will be more miserable.  However, it is not possible for us to share the house through the summer.  I wish I was exaggerating, but this has been like slowly pulling off a bandage and we are both tired of it.  It really hurts to keep exposing ourselves to the emotions between us. :(  I know, it is hard to hear and hard to say, we are really sad about this.  But, I kept going over and over the money, the time, the goals, and all the baggage (that's not really the word I mean, ...)  holding me up, and I, well we, think we have found a solution that will work ok.  It is not the perfect solution we were looking for, but it is the best we have been able to come up with so far.  And, best of all, it involves benefits for the kids that we were not even considering possible.  It does however, involve a few specific sacrifices that I was trying very hard to avoid, but, I am very accustomed to this.  I really don't expect it to bother me at this point, because I now see that there is no other way to get the positive benefits for the kids and for the last 10 years, those benefits were the only things I was trying to accomplish.   I just couldn't convince myself that those things weren't important anymore, big surprise.  The point is, I should have just trusted my original thoughts on all of this, because I was right.  I should also stop trying to fit my crazy plans and ideas into everyone else's little box of "correct" and just go for it.  I think that I would be happier at the very least.  So, in a less cryptic explanation, I am going to spend the summer living with my parents, and by that I mean "out of my van".  This is disappointing because it means that I will not get to have the kids stay with me unless I stay at home and for that Trent would have to stay somewhere else.  We've talked about this, but it doesn't seem likely (at least not often).  I really hate that because it feels like I am abandoning my family, but I also understand our situation and it is clear that I have to leave.  Even as I type this, my chest tightens and I start to cry.  I wish there was a way for me to keep them half of the time, but in reality it is only for the summer, and they can stay with me if it doesn't seem too crowded.  I don't want to overrun my parents, they've done enough for me over the years.  I guess I just hate to be a bother to anyone, even if I have to do things my own way.  Weird, I should go for it or quit, maybe.  Anyway, I will have a horrible schedule that involves killing time over here (at the house sometimes) all day three days a week, and going to school there the other two. Then, trying to help with the house and watch the kids until Trent gets home (maybe until we put them to bed) in the evenings, before driving back to the other town to study and sleep.  If I find a job, I will have to change everything and move back to this town, but my schedule is making it very tricky.  If it works out and I find one, it will be just as crazy a schedule, but less possible time for studying and the right now recreational time at the mimi's houses will become mandatory.  Trent will, luckily, be working fewer  hours through the summer, so we will see how it works out.  I don't know, it is so stupid and complex!  But, there it is, those are my options, all the same things I knew 6 months ago, except now I feel more pressure to get a job so that I can get a place faster.  I was afraid that living together for an entire year wouldn't work, but the benefits made us want it to work really bad. So, here we are.  I suppose I shouldn't regret that we tried.  I should just keep looking ahead, keeping my goals and priorities in mind.  This is going to be a rough summer for me, but I plan to make it as positive as possible for all of us.  Through this, I plan to thoroughly enjoy every minute of this miserable summer.