on the plus side....

ha ha ha (no not a mood swing, just a little giggle, because there is still some happiness...my kids are fun plundering pirates remember...)  I just have to add that Jewel can play on the internet now, she still needs help changing sites or on other complicated moves, but she is playing Dora games in her panties right now.  Sitting at the big boy computer in the classroom, looking super adorable.  She has been watching Trevor play (jealously), hearing us say that she's too little and just to watch, for two years and finally it is her turn!  She started playing it last week just a little and now has taken over a "turn" in the cycle.  She climbs into the seat, demands assistance, and insists on playing until she doesn't want to.  I am so proud of her!  (boo hoo too ;))

my heart is broken...

Last night, I looked back at the blog, starting at exactly two years ago.  Right before we found out we were moving here.  Before going to school ever seemed really possible, before we really knew this new job well, before we gave in and changed our dreams (or at least were willing to back them up a bit).  The videos and pictures were great, I am so glad that I started the blog.  I really didn't think it was for me, or that it would last.  There was a lot I didn't know then, though, and the more I discovered the more the blog became cemented into our life.  I am not someone who does things without thinking about it (anymore).  If I do something once I can justify it once, even if just by saying "I didn't know better", but if I do it again, it is because I see a continual benefit.  I have gone through a long list of benefits to this blog.  I do wish it could continue to be the happy little blog that it was then.  I remember jumping on the trampoline in the rain, fishing, hiking, wrestling, and a million smiles.  I have cried everyday for a week at least.  I move out in two weeks, well as soon as the last repair on the van is made, and i don't know how I will survive until then.  I am very sad.  I wish I could find something to distract me from it, but everything I find only makes it worse.  I hope that once I am out and busy with school I will start to feel better.  Just the thought of feeling this way for two more weeks is terrible.  I haven't felt this way since Ethan died, for sure; well maybe this isn't as bad as that, but it is similar to the depression I felt right before we got pregnant with Trevor.  Everything the kids do reminds me of why I never wanted a divorce, of what I am giving up, and of the long road ahead for all of us.  I have been putting this off to avoid this feeling, and because once I am out, my real nightmare begins.  The nightmare where you can no longer deny that you are in hell, you can no longer pretend that you are on the yellow brick road, you have to accept that you are alone, in the dark and scary forest, and your tin man with the ax is not there to save you. I know that if there was any way to avoid this, I would have done it (I probably tried it). At any rate, the point is....if you want to see things the way we meant them to be, look at the blog two years ago.  There are things that I was leaving out, but I did my best to capture as much good as possible.  I guess that is all I have to say about that.  my heart is broken.

Plan B

One day I will learn not to doubt myself so much, but I think that probably if I didn't, I would need to.  (boy, i'm funny!)  Anyway, I am a big fan of overthinking, especially when it comes to planning or anticipating before a big move.  In the words of Sun Tzu, "The general who wins the battle makes many calculations in his temple before the battle is fought. The general who loses makes but few calculations beforehand."  I also like these quotes, "Thus it is that in war the victorious strategist only seeks battle after the victory has been won, whereas he who is destined to defeat first fights and afterwards looks for victory.", "To fight and conquer in all our battles is not supreme excellence; supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy's resistance without fighting.",and  "The general who advances without coveting fame and retreats without fearing disgrace, whose only thought is to protect his country and do good service for his sovereign, is the jewel of the kingdom."  So, there you go, the advice I give myself at times like these.  I know what I want to accomplish and a divorce is completely counter productive to my goals.  I really want my own place, but I don't think it will make me happy right now.  If I get a place, the bills will make it so that I never get to see the kids and I will not be able to save anything or do anything "fun".  I am most concerned that I will be more miserable.  However, it is not possible for us to share the house through the summer.  I wish I was exaggerating, but this has been like slowly pulling off a bandage and we are both tired of it.  It really hurts to keep exposing ourselves to the emotions between us. :(  I know, it is hard to hear and hard to say, we are really sad about this.  But, I kept going over and over the money, the time, the goals, and all the baggage (that's not really the word I mean, ...)  holding me up, and I, well we, think we have found a solution that will work ok.  It is not the perfect solution we were looking for, but it is the best we have been able to come up with so far.  And, best of all, it involves benefits for the kids that we were not even considering possible.  It does however, involve a few specific sacrifices that I was trying very hard to avoid, but, I am very accustomed to this.  I really don't expect it to bother me at this point, because I now see that there is no other way to get the positive benefits for the kids and for the last 10 years, those benefits were the only things I was trying to accomplish.   I just couldn't convince myself that those things weren't important anymore, big surprise.  The point is, I should have just trusted my original thoughts on all of this, because I was right.  I should also stop trying to fit my crazy plans and ideas into everyone else's little box of "correct" and just go for it.  I think that I would be happier at the very least.  So, in a less cryptic explanation, I am going to spend the summer living with my parents, and by that I mean "out of my van".  This is disappointing because it means that I will not get to have the kids stay with me unless I stay at home and for that Trent would have to stay somewhere else.  We've talked about this, but it doesn't seem likely (at least not often).  I really hate that because it feels like I am abandoning my family, but I also understand our situation and it is clear that I have to leave.  Even as I type this, my chest tightens and I start to cry.  I wish there was a way for me to keep them half of the time, but in reality it is only for the summer, and they can stay with me if it doesn't seem too crowded.  I don't want to overrun my parents, they've done enough for me over the years.  I guess I just hate to be a bother to anyone, even if I have to do things my own way.  Weird, I should go for it or quit, maybe.  Anyway, I will have a horrible schedule that involves killing time over here (at the house sometimes) all day three days a week, and going to school there the other two. Then, trying to help with the house and watch the kids until Trent gets home (maybe until we put them to bed) in the evenings, before driving back to the other town to study and sleep.  If I find a job, I will have to change everything and move back to this town, but my schedule is making it very tricky.  If it works out and I find one, it will be just as crazy a schedule, but less possible time for studying and the right now recreational time at the mimi's houses will become mandatory.  Trent will, luckily, be working fewer  hours through the summer, so we will see how it works out.  I don't know, it is so stupid and complex!  But, there it is, those are my options, all the same things I knew 6 months ago, except now I feel more pressure to get a job so that I can get a place faster.  I was afraid that living together for an entire year wouldn't work, but the benefits made us want it to work really bad. So, here we are.  I suppose I shouldn't regret that we tried.  I should just keep looking ahead, keeping my goals and priorities in mind.  This is going to be a rough summer for me, but I plan to make it as positive as possible for all of us.  Through this, I plan to thoroughly enjoy every minute of this miserable summer. 

mother's day...

i've never been really big on holidays, especially those that celebrate things we should celebrate daily, like mothers.  but, i do love my mom, and my mother-in-law, and i do enjoy being a mother, so yippee!  i am just not feeling a long loving post though.  honestly, i am feeling tension and stress through my entire body and if i don't get out and run today, i may implode.  i found a great mood yesterday, it was buried under some rent money.  i should be getting my own place in june and that will help me get through next semester with a little less stress. i am sure that once the move is over, things will feel more normal again.  it is a big, frightening step, and we can't predict how the kids will handle it.  it really makes me sad to think about it, and that is part of the reason my entire body is tense, constantly.  i know, this is no fun to read, luckily, you don't have to (if you don't want to).  i wish i had that option.  but, as always, it isn't all bad, and i am sure that it will not be as bad as i am imagining when we get there.  the kids have already experienced evenings where i leave after they go to bed, and it seemed fine.  it really doesn't matter, as with any bad experience, there really is only one option and that is to get through it the best way we can manage.  right now, we are laughing our way through SNL.  whatever works. :)