doing this right is, and is going to be a lot of work.  i knew that already, but being in it is more emotionally trying than planning for it.  booooo!

After a few rough weeks, Trent and I have decided that while this still isn't the worst thing we've been through, it is definitely the second worse by a large margin.  We are really trying to keep talking to each other in honest and loving ways, but there is a lot of hurt and disappointment in the house.  Also, there is just so much going on at once.  I can't wait to have something better for the kids.  We have done a really great job at minimizing the effect of this on the kids, but that is a relative thing.  It is not minimized as much as I want (which is completely) but, there are long periods of completely normal (to them), and I am trying to be reasonable.  We are doing good, how can it not be partially bad.  I do know that the end result can be better if I leave than if I stay, so that is all I can do now.  Sometimes, I am too overwhelmed to be able to pick one thing to talk about, so I just don't talk.  I am starting to avoid my friends at school and all my usual outlets of stress in a futile attempt to catch up.  I think I would get farther if I allowed myself a break and a long talk of some sort to get it out, but that is not going to happen until finals are over.  So, I will welcome myself to "suck it up land" and continue with the fight that I've mentioned before.  I think I can, I think I can, I know I can, I know I can....

story of my life...

this sucks!  i feel very young and unsure, stressed and restless, and emotionally exhausted.  we could all really use some extra time and a little more fun.  trent and i have been searching for it relentlessly and only occasionally find it and only with the kids.  the kids, thanks to the mimis have been having fun.  i have been studying and trying to find a comfortable place to sit.  trent has been working out like mad.  i haven't run regularly in 3 weeks and haven't been tracking any of my working out (there hasn't been a lot).  the stress of moving out sooner than we planned is crushing me.  but, i am still fighting back, and i know i have the endurance, because what choice do i have.  story of my life.

in a funk, but looking up....

So, my chem lab was cancelled today and I had a lot of nervous energy because I was waiting for a few phone calls.  To pass the time, and because I have been in a funk since my leg injury and now that it is healed I haven't run, we (me and Taylor) went for a walk through the back of the subdivision.  They are building 4 new houses there now, the first new houses since we moved into the neighborhood.  Taylor showed me his "cave tree" and all the tadpoles (lots!).  We are going to take the little two to see them soon.  Then, we had a long conversation about a story he is working on. He told me all about reincarnation and how it works (in his story) and it was detailed and creative and fascinating.  I am glad that we went for that walk.  I need more time, we were avoiding this predicament and now our priorities are confused again.  I will be getting my apartment by June, this semester will be over, and come hell or high water I will start running again.  Although things have been a little and stressful, they are working themselves out.  (well, I am working them out.)  Now, there is some more waiting and some serious conversations with the kids, and some crying to be done, then, the moving forward can begin again.  We are really working hard at this point to keep things positive, and we both hope that this can continue.  I, for one, am very happy that we are not fighting (legally or otherwise) through this, it sucks bad enough.  Here's to looking forward to our future. 

There was so much more I wanted to say in the last post, but I didn't...So, Taylor's music teacher has been writing down the lyrics that Taylor makes up since before Taylor could write.  Some of them have revealed to us things about Taylor that often surprise us, but they always make us proud.  The one I read this last Friday alluded to him pushing himself to do things he doesn't think that he can.  It was pretty cool.  Also, his skills on the drums are really coming along, so I am glad he is enjoying it.  I also can not remember the super cool things Trevor did that I wanted to capture here or the things that Jewel did that we loved, but, they will either happen again or I will remember them.  So, another day then.

trying...

Taylor is writing lyrics and practicing his own simplified version of "Iron Man" on his drums.  Jewel is getting herself up in the middle of the night to go potty.  Trevor and Jewel both went down the zipline alone at Mimi and Papi's!  (I know, my heart was pounding!) Here are a few videos from the Strawberry Festival and one from today.

soooo....

well, tomorrow is the last day of classes before spring break.  ha ha, my first college spring break, and i am 32.  i plan to have so much fun!  cleaning the house, catching up on some math practicing, writing a research paper for biology, and just in general doing all the things i love to do without classes interrupting.  i may try to watch a movie or two that i have been wanting to see.  i also plan to apply for a few jobs, but we are still not sure how the schedule will work.  i will probably have to find a babysitter  or two and work through the weekends, but i think it is worth it to see if we can make it work.  at least some income will help me when i move out.  i hope morlynn can stay a day or two during spring break and i hope i can get over to mosi one day.  but, i will definitely get my camera situation sorted out, so that i can take some pictures for this blog.  i didn't mean to abandon it, but this semester is something else.  i hope things get easier soon.

i will blog, i will blog....

i will take five minutes to talk about the kids, dang it.  whew, things are certainly going on around here.  jelly the bean is wearing big girl panties to school (just started this week) and she is actually, finally, celebrating being a big girl.  this is a change from her previous insistence that, "no, i a baby!".  she stood in the kitchen yesterday, with her hands in her pockets watching me cook.  it took me a few minutes to realize that she was mimicking the stance that one of her favorites among the daycare staff.  trevor is too busy to describe, but, i'll try to think of something quick.  hmmm, he has been pretending that taylor is the "gun guy", the "cowboy", and the "claw guy".  taylor says he uses the wrong weapons though.  when trevor is the "gun guy" he sometimes uses a lasso, or he uses the ninja sword when he is the "laser man".  taylor is sitting next to me with a dictionary in his lap, astronomy lecture on the tv.  we are looking up words from a workbook.  aside from the kids doing great and both of the adults working our butts off (literally, we workout all the time), things are certainly changing dramatically between us.  it has been time, it would seem, but the honeymoon is certainly over and we are going to be working hard to maintain our "friendship" until the end of this year.  if i believed in luck, i would wish for it now.  there, i blogged, now i can stop beating myself up for neglecting my responsibility for a few days.

March 3rd....

Yep, here it comes again, I have a midterm and Trent has to work.  We have acknowledged the day, and it has made us sad.  We are, however, too busy to whine and what good would it do anyway. 

have i mentioned that i hate socializing...

(if only i could keep my mouth shut, i will learn that lesson, one day) i know i am strange, and i appreciate that trent goes along with me.  sometimes, i don't realize that i am doing something unusual until someone asks a question that reminds me.  today, a girl in biology asked me why i am living with trent for so long if we are getting a divorce.  (she overheard me talking to a friend in that class...) i just said, "well we have kids".  i thought, surely that explains it.  she said, well, who is going to "get" the kids.  i said, "we are going to work together, but that is at least a year away."  "well, what does that mean, and how can you just keep living with someone you hate?"  (deep breath)  "i don't hate him, i just don't want to be married to him and he doesn't want to be married to me.  i mean, he is still a better man than most that i have met, and we have been, until recently, trying really hard to fix our marriage.  now, we have to get things lined up properly to quit the marriage without destroying our lives."  (then, i thought, didn't i just say "we have kids")  luckily, a guy, who i have spoken with before, in a different class, spoke up then, about his divorce.  he said, "when i decided i was done with my wife, i was done, i just moved out.  we couldn't live together anymore." they have 3 kids, too.  they all started talking about breakups and divorces and what they would do.  i have to say, i suppose this is strange (what trent and i are doing).  but, we have talked about what we wanted so much, and we were already so aware of our differences (let's call them), and we have tried very hard to be completely honest with each other, that neither of us feels the need to be mean.  now, we do both feel hesitation at the idea of not being the "trent and dana" that we have been for so long, and sometimes (different times for each of us) we think, "if only" this or that.  however, we never (for more than a minute or so, ha ha) think, i don't care what the consequences are, i can't live with you.  i suppose we are being selfish, but, we are also thinking of the kids.  (i know i've said this before, that conversation just got to me; this is why i shouldn't socialize, ha ha)  i just don't understand how you can go from working hard to build up your life, for 10 years, and then just dump it all away and even destroy some of it just like that, over a disagreement.  i suppose if one of us had done something really, really bad...but, anyway, even if i had gotten the apartment and moved out things would have been much the same.  one reason that i decided to wait, is that i would still have to be in this house with the kids so much that it would be annoying to have to pack up my things (school things) and go "home".  trent's hours don't really allow me much time after school to be at home before bedtime for most of the year, and he is going to see the kids at night (seriously, he is not a dad that can do weekends only, i think that would kill him).  besides that, i know he doesn't have time to clean the house (as much as it needs), he doesn't even get weekends off for parts of the year.  and, i have enough to do without another place to keep clean and i need to finish school, if i ever want to be the mom i want to be.  our marriage was just the legal mumbo jumbo that went with our desire to see each other become the people that we wanted to be.  we wanted to be a part of the lives that we saw each other trying to build.  that was it, and for all our changing, our ultimate dreams are still the same that they always were. the truth is, (and i am sure the same is true for trent) that as much as this hurts, and it does (a lot), we are reassured by that pain that we have done, and are doing the right thing for our family, and there is nothing more important than that.