have i mentioned that i hate socializing...

(if only i could keep my mouth shut, i will learn that lesson, one day) i know i am strange, and i appreciate that trent goes along with me.  sometimes, i don't realize that i am doing something unusual until someone asks a question that reminds me.  today, a girl in biology asked me why i am living with trent for so long if we are getting a divorce.  (she overheard me talking to a friend in that class...) i just said, "well we have kids".  i thought, surely that explains it.  she said, well, who is going to "get" the kids.  i said, "we are going to work together, but that is at least a year away."  "well, what does that mean, and how can you just keep living with someone you hate?"  (deep breath)  "i don't hate him, i just don't want to be married to him and he doesn't want to be married to me.  i mean, he is still a better man than most that i have met, and we have been, until recently, trying really hard to fix our marriage.  now, we have to get things lined up properly to quit the marriage without destroying our lives."  (then, i thought, didn't i just say "we have kids")  luckily, a guy, who i have spoken with before, in a different class, spoke up then, about his divorce.  he said, "when i decided i was done with my wife, i was done, i just moved out.  we couldn't live together anymore." they have 3 kids, too.  they all started talking about breakups and divorces and what they would do.  i have to say, i suppose this is strange (what trent and i are doing).  but, we have talked about what we wanted so much, and we were already so aware of our differences (let's call them), and we have tried very hard to be completely honest with each other, that neither of us feels the need to be mean.  now, we do both feel hesitation at the idea of not being the "trent and dana" that we have been for so long, and sometimes (different times for each of us) we think, "if only" this or that.  however, we never (for more than a minute or so, ha ha) think, i don't care what the consequences are, i can't live with you.  i suppose we are being selfish, but, we are also thinking of the kids.  (i know i've said this before, that conversation just got to me; this is why i shouldn't socialize, ha ha)  i just don't understand how you can go from working hard to build up your life, for 10 years, and then just dump it all away and even destroy some of it just like that, over a disagreement.  i suppose if one of us had done something really, really bad...but, anyway, even if i had gotten the apartment and moved out things would have been much the same.  one reason that i decided to wait, is that i would still have to be in this house with the kids so much that it would be annoying to have to pack up my things (school things) and go "home".  trent's hours don't really allow me much time after school to be at home before bedtime for most of the year, and he is going to see the kids at night (seriously, he is not a dad that can do weekends only, i think that would kill him).  besides that, i know he doesn't have time to clean the house (as much as it needs), he doesn't even get weekends off for parts of the year.  and, i have enough to do without another place to keep clean and i need to finish school, if i ever want to be the mom i want to be.  our marriage was just the legal mumbo jumbo that went with our desire to see each other become the people that we wanted to be.  we wanted to be a part of the lives that we saw each other trying to build.  that was it, and for all our changing, our ultimate dreams are still the same that they always were. the truth is, (and i am sure the same is true for trent) that as much as this hurts, and it does (a lot), we are reassured by that pain that we have done, and are doing the right thing for our family, and there is nothing more important than that.