sacrifices will be made...

but it will be worth it.  I am sure.  At least, that is what I keep telling myself.  I am getting closer and once it begins I'm sure I'll see the value growing.  But for now, reassurances and planning are getting harder and old.  I am terrified of the sacrifices coming, but as the reassurance comes from my own actions up to now, and so, I am confident that I have not only acted in ways that will protect me but also that I will be able to handle all that is required of me in the future.  I will make this work, as I have always done, only this time the success of my endeavor will not be at the mercy of anyone else.  I love my kids, I know my priorities are right, I know my goals are worthy and possible, I trust that I can get where I am going and that in the end, my kids and I will be better for it.  I love my kids.

This is not a surrender.

Sometimes you have to give in, not because you are wrong, but because you have to move on.  I have been stagnant for far, far too long.  It is worth the cost to be done with this past that hurts so much.  I have already started moving toward my new beginning, I actually found my place when I got the old patchwork house back, but things will really get rolling very soon.  I am so excited to be sure of where I want to be headed and to actually see that future as possible.  All the deciding is done, ready for the living it to begin.  For the moment, while I wait, making do and hopeful planning is getting me through each day.  Trying to live in the moment like I once thoroughly enjoyed doing, but that is hard on the weeks without the kids.  That will get easier....soon. 

so far away...

My goal for years has been to get back to blogging.  What I really wanted though, was to feel that I had enough worth blogging about.  I had all the same things I had before, but because of the state of our marriage, I couldn't feel proud of it.  I am ashamed of this, but it is a fact.  I should have risen above the bull and been grateful for all that we still had, but I was so disappointed.  I dreamed, at first, of fixing things and blogging again about things the way the were.  Now, they will never be that way again.  Now, my goal has changed.  It has been a year since I gave up on the way things were, and still I am not sure what they will be.  I have enjoyed my kids through all this time, obviously they will be blogged about.  I regret that this portion of their lives has not been captured the way the rest was, and I plan to bring out all the pictures and videos I do have from it and describe them somehow.  I also want to show the moving process and the house's progress as well, because it has been a big part of my life this year.  But, now I am trying to find the next step.  I still have school to finish, although I had to take a break from it. I have been considering some career goal changes as well, only because my situation has changed so much.  The divorce is still not finalized, so I have been in what feels like a holding pattern.  I am struggling not to let all the disappointing things that have happened and that are continuing to happen bring me down, but I can't deny that they have.  I am not depressed, I know what that was like.  When Ethan died I gave up, and I haven't given up.  At least, not completely.  But, I find myself everyday wondering when I stopped doing this or that, when I stopped enjoying that, when I stopped looking forward to that.  I must start adding back in more things that I enjoy and finding myself faster for the kids' sake.  They have missed out on a good deal of the fun that I used to pack into every week.  I have only read a little compared to the past, only made a little music, only had a few art projects, only done a bit of science.  Life just isn't the fun, captivating experience I once made it.  I see little differences in their smiles and confidence and it breaks my heart.  I feel like we let them down, and we did.  I know I should not have expected myself to continue that damaging relationship, but I wish I would have chosen more wisely.  I thought I knew him.  I was wrong.  Now, I have to climb this last hill back to a place, lower than before, but still with a view that I can blog about.  And, I have to do this now.  I have to reach the blogable plane within the month.  I refuse to let another year go by like this.

Just happy, and that's all...

I am not ready to really start blogging again, but I am compelled to post today.  It was a day like old times.  I took all the kids to MOSI.  We caught an IMAX movie, played on the ropes course, and just in general had an excellent time.  I was so proud of Trevor's skills on the course and then suddenly he pushed himself a little too far on one obstacle and had to get off the course to gather himself, it was adorable.  Jewel tried very hard and crossed many obstacles that I didn't think she'd try and I had to convince her to come down with me.  Morlynn and Taylor got to try the zipline and seemed to like it, but more than anything they had fun teaching the little ones anything they could.  Then we were able to come home to a real house, a home with our favorite things, and have a meal that I could cook without tripping around a tiny trailer.  I finally finished all the unpacking last week and I got the last pieces of furniture I needed too, so there is only a little painting and hanging things left so I can sit and breathe and look around without feeling stressed about all the work I see.  I am not finished, but whew, it feels good to be this far today.  I will soon make a final video of the house and post about all the work it took to get here.  Tonight, however, we are watching a movie together and enjoying our lovely little patchwork house. 

Full circle...almost

We are very happily moving back to the patchwork house.  I was very shocked and disappointed to see what has happened to it over the five years since we lived there.  It is trashed.  Every wall that we painted is drawn on or painted over.  Every fixture leaking or disgusting.  The bathroom we rebuilt is trashed, the walls are filthy and the full of holes and the roof and ceiling fans are covered in webs.  The beautiful tree is painted (yes, patches right on the trunk). The yard is overgrown and the fig tree is covered in moss.  However, the banana tree is still alive and I think I can somehow save or reproduce the fig tree.  I would like to do something better with the fence out front and it is covered in vines.  But, oh!  The house!  It is atrocious.  I will post some pics soon.  I hope I can start blogging again with this new beginning. I should also go back and show the pirate ship times too.  It has been happy if a little cramped.  I can't imagine where I'd be without my family.  I am so glad that I can get into this place with a yard and space, and especially a landlord who will not throw me out (and rent that is low enough for me to start my life again.)  What a relief to know that all I have before me is a little hard work to get to a reliable home for us.  One that will last long enough to get finished with school.  Oh yes, school.  With the move being delayed because the tennants fought to stay in the dump they called home, and now the work to fix the house school is suffering.  Also, I have three weeks until finals and tests to take.  This is going to end poorly, but I can't do anything to fix it.  I must sacrifice school for this move.  Just another in a long string of sacrifices made by me so that....disgusting, selfish, I'm better off starting over.  A lot has been lost though, things that were worth preserving.  I am still sad about all that has been lost, especially because innocent people are the ones losing things.  Hopefully this is the turning of the tide, hopefully we all start gaining back things now. 

I see it all so clearly now,

So interesting, the number of things you don't notice until you are free of them.  My happiness is not for sale.  Nice try.

fair

I am excited about the future.  That is all.

solution

I miss you and I don't even know what that means.  Time.

Although so much has already changed and I knew it was coming.  The final day of this life is tomorrow.  I will only be taking small parts of the past into the new life that begins tomorrow evening.  I don't know how I feel about it, but I know how I plan to handle it. 

so much effing pain.  no way out except through.  been here before but dragging more baggage this time.  people forget who you have been, who you have been for them, what you have been through, how strong you are already being.  sometimes they just don't know.  sometimes it seems like the people closest to you are discounting the effect that living has had on you. i am exhausted and my body aching from the strain.   being a burden is not my style, this has got to be changed.  i have got to change it. :/