My goal for years has been to get back to blogging. What I really wanted though, was to feel that I had enough worth blogging about. I had all the same things I had before, but because of the state of our marriage, I couldn't feel proud of it. I am ashamed of this, but it is a fact. I should have risen above the bull and been grateful for all that we still had, but I was so disappointed. I dreamed, at first, of fixing things and blogging again about things the way the were. Now, they will never be that way again. Now, my goal has changed. It has been a year since I gave up on the way things were, and still I am not sure what they will be. I have enjoyed my kids through all this time, obviously they will be blogged about. I regret that this portion of their lives has not been captured the way the rest was, and I plan to bring out all the pictures and videos I do have from it and describe them somehow. I also want to show the moving process and the house's progress as well, because it has been a big part of my life this year. But, now I am trying to find the next step. I still have school to finish, although I had to take a break from it. I have been considering some career goal changes as well, only because my situation has changed so much. The divorce is still not finalized, so I have been in what feels like a holding pattern. I am struggling not to let all the disappointing things that have happened and that are continuing to happen bring me down, but I can't deny that they have. I am not depressed, I know what that was like. When Ethan died I gave up, and I haven't given up. At least, not completely. But, I find myself everyday wondering when I stopped doing this or that, when I stopped enjoying that, when I stopped looking forward to that. I must start adding back in more things that I enjoy and finding myself faster for the kids' sake. They have missed out on a good deal of the fun that I used to pack into every week. I have only read a little compared to the past, only made a little music, only had a few art projects, only done a bit of science. Life just isn't the fun, captivating experience I once made it. I see little differences in their smiles and confidence and it breaks my heart. I feel like we let them down, and we did. I know I should not have expected myself to continue that damaging relationship, but I wish I would have chosen more wisely. I thought I knew him. I was wrong. Now, I have to climb this last hill back to a place, lower than before, but still with a view that I can blog about. And, I have to do this now. I have to reach the blogable plane within the month. I refuse to let another year go by like this.
