stifle it

One must not be an accomplice to this flight from freedom.  --Simone de Beauvoir

what difference does it make?

sometimes the details overwhelm the story, and sometimes there is too much complexity to fully realize it with communication of any kind.  however, effort to discover will always finish farther ahead than waiting for it to reveal itself.  patience, i believe, is the solution, but i have so little of that left.  honestly.  no, really, honestly.  some words for thought: record, future, choosing, courage, confidence, betrayal.  until the future.

Wow!  Some people will hurt anyone to avoid receiving the reputation that they deserve.  That is just one more jab. I am backing away, you can stop jabbing.

I just finished the last final for this semester.  I need a 75% for an A in the class.  I don't know.  But, now I can start studying for next semester, and with things decided (that were up in the air for so so long) I can really start to prepare for it.  No distractions, that is at least one thing to look forward to, in a situation that I am disappointed to be in.  Here's to three weeks "off".

once again

i didn't choose this and i fought harder than i should have to avoid this outcome.  i appreciated and loved, but in the end, i have to let go or lose myself.  there is proof for those who seek it but i am too tired to look anymore.  i am going to hide until i have recovered. 

The truth would have set us free, now we are forever captured.

where i am right now
"i'm ashamed that i'm barely human and i'm ashamed that i don't have a heart you can break"  just a song i love

i mentioned that i have been taking a lot of philosophy classes this summer, and i think i mentioned that i enjoyed the subject immensely.  i will expand on that ever so slightly.  i really like having more and more ways to question myself and life and everything revealed to me.  i really enjoy hearing the possible answers to these questions that have been thought upon and critiqued by brilliant minds.  i really enjoy writing about my own views and even just interpreting messages of others devising, but i didn't at first.  i have grown better at it and i guess that has contributed to my growing fondness.  i love the existentialists, but i haven't really given enough time to the subject to have a favorite or even a deep enough understanding of any particular paper to decide who i agree with most.  i just enjoy most of them as writers and agree with most of the ideas with the passing glances i've given them.  i expect that i will do more in depth readings when i get some time. 

so, i have two semesters left in school, before my first bachelor's and i have changed my plans slightly.  i will have to really work hard, because i have 5 classes this semester, and probably 6 next.  linear algebra, modern physics (i withdrew before, when jewel got sick), probability/statistics, philosophy of science, and physics in biology/medicine i.  the last semester is going to have some exciting and difficult classes, but all the classes from the fall are going to fun and interesting also.  some review and some, like philosophy of science and physics in biology, that i am really looking forward to.  i hope that i can muster up enough time for all of them amid my other duties.  (the eternal struggle.)  the kids will all be in great new schools and receiving great personalized educations, so i don't expect to feel as bad about not homeschooling this year.  i hope the programs live up to our expectations, but i will of course, plan our extra homeschooling activities anyway, because what else is there to do in the few hours between school and bedtime.  for today, we are enjoying a day of the godfather and some existentialism while the kids are away.  i have a new passion for philosophy and i wish i had more time to study it, but first i'll earn the math bachelor's so that i can work.  then, slowly work toward finishing my physics degree, and a graduate certificate to teach, then more study in a master's program of either math or physics, depending on how things play out, maybe even philosophy of science.  i still have the same wishes for the future, so i'll just keep working toward a degree where i can teach in college or work my way into a research position.

disappointment, not exactly

i have almost, i think, convinced myself to finish my math bachelor's before i go back to finish my physics.  i am a bit closer to one and it will be "easier" to get to the math, and then i can work.  i suppose this is the most conservative course of action considering our financial situation and goals for the future, but getting the physics degree sooner rather than later is the "dream" so to speak.  but, i sure do love my kids, so i am pretty certain that this is the course i will take.  the physics classes i need are not available until spring anyway, so i have a semester to sort it out.  on a side note, i could change my major to philosophy and graduate with honors instead, but then what will i do?  study graduate philosophy?  of science and math, maybe.  no, i think a degree sans honors and physics is the future i must own.  at least, temporarily.  and, what the heck do i want, a job is better than a dead end degree and no income every day.  everyone is good, by the way, and reconstruction of our lives is in progress.  wish us luck.  (or go away.)

Today on my way to class, I allowed an older man in a little pickup to merge from a side street into traffic.  He smiled authentically and waved gratefully.  He had windows down and so no A/C, and truck was older with primer patches on it and rusty spots.  He only had one bumper sticker, it said "Jesus loves you, but I'm his favorite."  :)