wow, spent some time reading a few old posts on the blog, it used to be way better.  i used to record things that i was glad to read again.  (and some that embarrass me, which makes me laugh.)  now, it just bounces from sucky and stupid, to pointless; maybe it is all three all the time.  i know things will be better and i will use it again, i just don't know when i will manage that.  :(

life and its sense of humor...

life is really funny.  i am constantly being made a fool of by the things i can't foresee.  we have really done a fantastic job of improving our life over the last 10 years.  i hope that we can prevent this situation from wrecking that.  i just can't bring myself to put details of this crapfest in the blog.  the people who care call me for them anyway.  <3  but, i do wish that i would explain more, it would be very liberating and therapeutic, maybe.  anywho, the kids are great, trent is ok, i am good.   life has been a little inconvenient for me lately because i am staying between houses and wishing for my own place, but other than that, things are about as good as i have come to expect.  vehicle repairs, cowardly people, unexpected expenses of all kinds, stressful inconveniences, tests and extra studying, housework piling up, me not running, you know, the usual. don't freak, i haven't become a grumpy guss, yet.  i have been enjoying playing with the kids (especially their working out, hilarious), a couple of good audiobooks are going, some new music (new to me), and as always, pride in myself for accomplishing those things that keep me hopeful, so it's not all bad.  here's to hanging in there.


PS- sometimes you can care too much about things that you can't change and not enough about things that you can...beware.

doing this right is, and is going to be a lot of work.  i knew that already, but being in it is more emotionally trying than planning for it.  booooo!

After a few rough weeks, Trent and I have decided that while this still isn't the worst thing we've been through, it is definitely the second worse by a large margin.  We are really trying to keep talking to each other in honest and loving ways, but there is a lot of hurt and disappointment in the house.  Also, there is just so much going on at once.  I can't wait to have something better for the kids.  We have done a really great job at minimizing the effect of this on the kids, but that is a relative thing.  It is not minimized as much as I want (which is completely) but, there are long periods of completely normal (to them), and I am trying to be reasonable.  We are doing good, how can it not be partially bad.  I do know that the end result can be better if I leave than if I stay, so that is all I can do now.  Sometimes, I am too overwhelmed to be able to pick one thing to talk about, so I just don't talk.  I am starting to avoid my friends at school and all my usual outlets of stress in a futile attempt to catch up.  I think I would get farther if I allowed myself a break and a long talk of some sort to get it out, but that is not going to happen until finals are over.  So, I will welcome myself to "suck it up land" and continue with the fight that I've mentioned before.  I think I can, I think I can, I know I can, I know I can....

story of my life...

this sucks!  i feel very young and unsure, stressed and restless, and emotionally exhausted.  we could all really use some extra time and a little more fun.  trent and i have been searching for it relentlessly and only occasionally find it and only with the kids.  the kids, thanks to the mimis have been having fun.  i have been studying and trying to find a comfortable place to sit.  trent has been working out like mad.  i haven't run regularly in 3 weeks and haven't been tracking any of my working out (there hasn't been a lot).  the stress of moving out sooner than we planned is crushing me.  but, i am still fighting back, and i know i have the endurance, because what choice do i have.  story of my life.

in a funk, but looking up....

So, my chem lab was cancelled today and I had a lot of nervous energy because I was waiting for a few phone calls.  To pass the time, and because I have been in a funk since my leg injury and now that it is healed I haven't run, we (me and Taylor) went for a walk through the back of the subdivision.  They are building 4 new houses there now, the first new houses since we moved into the neighborhood.  Taylor showed me his "cave tree" and all the tadpoles (lots!).  We are going to take the little two to see them soon.  Then, we had a long conversation about a story he is working on. He told me all about reincarnation and how it works (in his story) and it was detailed and creative and fascinating.  I am glad that we went for that walk.  I need more time, we were avoiding this predicament and now our priorities are confused again.  I will be getting my apartment by June, this semester will be over, and come hell or high water I will start running again.  Although things have been a little and stressful, they are working themselves out.  (well, I am working them out.)  Now, there is some more waiting and some serious conversations with the kids, and some crying to be done, then, the moving forward can begin again.  We are really working hard at this point to keep things positive, and we both hope that this can continue.  I, for one, am very happy that we are not fighting (legally or otherwise) through this, it sucks bad enough.  Here's to looking forward to our future. 

There was so much more I wanted to say in the last post, but I didn't...So, Taylor's music teacher has been writing down the lyrics that Taylor makes up since before Taylor could write.  Some of them have revealed to us things about Taylor that often surprise us, but they always make us proud.  The one I read this last Friday alluded to him pushing himself to do things he doesn't think that he can.  It was pretty cool.  Also, his skills on the drums are really coming along, so I am glad he is enjoying it.  I also can not remember the super cool things Trevor did that I wanted to capture here or the things that Jewel did that we loved, but, they will either happen again or I will remember them.  So, another day then.

trying...

Taylor is writing lyrics and practicing his own simplified version of "Iron Man" on his drums.  Jewel is getting herself up in the middle of the night to go potty.  Trevor and Jewel both went down the zipline alone at Mimi and Papi's!  (I know, my heart was pounding!) Here are a few videos from the Strawberry Festival and one from today.

soooo....

well, tomorrow is the last day of classes before spring break.  ha ha, my first college spring break, and i am 32.  i plan to have so much fun!  cleaning the house, catching up on some math practicing, writing a research paper for biology, and just in general doing all the things i love to do without classes interrupting.  i may try to watch a movie or two that i have been wanting to see.  i also plan to apply for a few jobs, but we are still not sure how the schedule will work.  i will probably have to find a babysitter  or two and work through the weekends, but i think it is worth it to see if we can make it work.  at least some income will help me when i move out.  i hope morlynn can stay a day or two during spring break and i hope i can get over to mosi one day.  but, i will definitely get my camera situation sorted out, so that i can take some pictures for this blog.  i didn't mean to abandon it, but this semester is something else.  i hope things get easier soon.

i will blog, i will blog....

i will take five minutes to talk about the kids, dang it.  whew, things are certainly going on around here.  jelly the bean is wearing big girl panties to school (just started this week) and she is actually, finally, celebrating being a big girl.  this is a change from her previous insistence that, "no, i a baby!".  she stood in the kitchen yesterday, with her hands in her pockets watching me cook.  it took me a few minutes to realize that she was mimicking the stance that one of her favorites among the daycare staff.  trevor is too busy to describe, but, i'll try to think of something quick.  hmmm, he has been pretending that taylor is the "gun guy", the "cowboy", and the "claw guy".  taylor says he uses the wrong weapons though.  when trevor is the "gun guy" he sometimes uses a lasso, or he uses the ninja sword when he is the "laser man".  taylor is sitting next to me with a dictionary in his lap, astronomy lecture on the tv.  we are looking up words from a workbook.  aside from the kids doing great and both of the adults working our butts off (literally, we workout all the time), things are certainly changing dramatically between us.  it has been time, it would seem, but the honeymoon is certainly over and we are going to be working hard to maintain our "friendship" until the end of this year.  if i believed in luck, i would wish for it now.  there, i blogged, now i can stop beating myself up for neglecting my responsibility for a few days.