whew!!!

This has been an insane week and a half! The conversation I hear right now, Taylor says, "Trevor, are you breathing?", Trevor says, "No". Taylor says, "OK, get to the cave entrance, save us, turn on the fan." Jewel was playing, but by now she has decided to escape on her own and as Taylor, says "Jewel where did you go, are you ok?", she says, "No, there I are." They are playing in the adventure bubble again, because it is raining outside. Thank goodness, because our grass is brown, brown, brown. Yesterday Jewel learned to cut with scissors (so far, only paper and allowed material), Trevor learned to organize things by size (on the computer game), and Taylor started the Geometry and American History lectures (because he wanted to)! If that isn't enough, I have spent the entire week upgrading computers and learning all about home wireless networks. Well, networks in general, but I never did get the file sharing or printer sharing figured out. I will have to try again in a few weeks because I have a few secretarial jobs that need attending. I have to hang up the IT hat and get out the ?secretarial gloves?, I don't know. I also have to throw a birthday party for Jewel, and that means the house needs to be cleaned (better than 'normal'). When we had the parties for Trevor and me and Taylor the house was so easy to just tidy up. But, as always happens, we bought things (stupid holidays) and we made things and did stuff, and now the garage and 2 closets have looked better, and everything could use a good scrub. So, I need to get off the blog and on the job. I guess I better get out the maid gloves first and be a secretary on Monday. The revolving to do list that is Mother/Wife, well, in this situation. I suppose I could have chosen a different type of role. I'll just stop whining now, relative to other options, this one rocks! So..I did get a little media from the week. I got Jewel to wear a pony tail, so look for that. She hated it at first, but this morning she let me put it up without a fight.

Despite the colds....

The babies have been feeling fine during the day. Last night Jewel gave her self away as a smarty pants. I caught her with a toy in her mouth, and because she knew I would take it away, she tossed it over her shoulder and gave me a sly smile. Later I said, "Where is your cup?" except in spanish and she said, "I find it." It is like overnight she decided to act like she understands what I am saying. This morning I said, "Do you want some cereal?" She said, "Yeah, I eat." Trent asked her, "Are you daddy's girl?" She said, "Trent's girl!" Trevor, before even a good morning, said, "The sun is up, can I play hindergaten weader wabbit." I made him eat an apple while he played. I can tell that he has been over the toddler programs for a few months now. He wouldn't play them for 10 minutes at a time, but he played the Kindergarten program for almost 2 hours, only getting down twice (to get milk and pee). AAAAH, I'm in a house full of game junkies!! At least it isn't the TV. He really is surprising me with the activities he is able to figure out on the game. Somethings he can't and he'll ask for help, but at least 5 of the games he's already played on his own. I am definitely going to be outsmarted by my kids one day, I hope I can laugh when it happens! Last night, thankfully, I got to sleep. Friends stopped by and the hubbub helped to wear out the little ones. So, at 8, I was able to sit down and watch Trent play his game and read. Finally, a normal night!

Dang time and it's marching on....

I spent the night comforting one child and fixing their stuffy nose, only to have the other wake up needing me right after. Poor Trent, he ended up sleeping on the couch. I "slept" from 3am to 6am. Despite the fact that I slept for 3 hours, tryouts happened today. (funny thing about time and how it never stops) We did however decide that the birthday party will wait for next weekend. This morning we scrambled to cancel and reschedule. Taylor had a great practice with Trent yesterday, and got his new bat. Trevor asked to play a new game today, so I pulled out Taylor's old Reader Rabbit Kindergarten. I wasn't sure how it would go, but he is actually progressing through it. It is like an adventure game, where you collect items to progress. Taylor says he remembers it, and I know it helped him learn numbers and letters, so this is exciting. The tryouts were kind of long and Taylor's part in them was very sparse, so after seeing him bat, I had to leave with the babies. But, thanks to my mom, I got a full report and pictures. Taylor batted as well as any of the other boys, and was in good spirits despite some catching mishaps. He's a fast learner, so I am sure he'll feel more confident after a few practices. Now we wait to see what team he gets. I am sure he is hoping for the pirates, as there are no Werewolves.

Vapor rubs and computers and Princes?....

Tonight, Trevor obtained the runny nose that has plagued Jewel the last two days. He is sleeping well now, thanks to some vapor rub, salt water nasal solution, and cuddling with mom and dad. It gave me an excuse to drive after dark, on friday, which hardly ever happens. That reminded me of how much I love Ludacris, it's something about word play I suppose. But, that isn't enough to make me wonder if breathing in those vapors could cause ...something... I don't know, some kind of bronchial thing or something later. I am almost refusing to look it up. Seriously, I don't have time for that. While at the pharmacy, I (for shits and giggles) read the ingredients (active and inactive) in some of the little medicines in the section around the vapor rub. I don't think I am qualified to select any of that stuff. But, knowing that the nasal spray makes them cry every time (and so wake up), I refused to read the ingredients on the rub and used it. I am not a robot and sleep is required. (he he that sounded like a robot in my head.) I'll look it up and make a more informed choice next time. But, several pharmacists have recommended it as an alternative to medicine over the years, (in person, not commercials :)) so that is reassuring. Many of them also had bad things to say about cough syrups and nasal decongestant medicines. So, he's breathing easy now and Jewel's nose is getting better. I can definitely tell that they hold on to cold symptoms for fewer days since we have stopped eating as much processed food. Jewel barely was exposed to that time in our lives. But, when Taylor and Morlynn were in school and we didn't eat as many whole grains and ate fewer veggies, there were several long colds a year. It did get less frequent when we started homeschooling, but it would go through the entire house for several weeks before. Now, it is usually only one or two of us at a time and for only a few days. What a relief! It makes life so much easier to not get interrupted and knocked out by colds several times a year. And, we have to buy and take less medicine. Pretty cool. Also cool, I told Taylor to hook up his computer and he did it without help. I don't think he has ever watched us do it. It is pretty easy, what with the color coding and caveman pictograms, but still cool he did it. It needs more RAM, but, thanks to Mimi, we were saved from buying a computer. And, my mother, also Mimi, gave us her super old computer for Trevor and Jewel to play on. I refuse to hook a keyboard to it, they are bad enough with the mouse. But, at least now they can play Reader Rabbit and Dora (and others) without me worrying and without interrupting Taylor's lesson. The only downside is the guilty feeling I get from having more computers in the house, if only I could find a way to self-power them. Like a bike or treadmill (he he). Here's a gem from dressup time earlier this week. And some videos of Jewel.

What??!!!

I knew it was coming, but I didn't know it would scare me so much! Taylor informed me (and then showed me) that he has hairs growing in his armpits. We're not old enough for this. At least he didn't yell, "I hate you" after he told me. Or, say,"Can I have a playboy mag.?" He did say, "I guess I'm becoming a man." Ha ha ha, 'becoming' is not quite the word I would use, but I suppose he is on the path in that direction. Hold on to yer hats, things are going to get a little hairy!

Jackpot!!!

Almost every time I see my mother, I am rushing. I don't know why, but probably because I am trying to keep track of so many children. Today, she stopped by to pick up my niece who stayed with us for a few days. (Yippee) She often drops off newspaper articles that she thinks I will like or that I may need to read. We were talking about baseball equipment, missed appointments, the inauguration, lessons for school, and college money. All in rapid succession, between the "where did Jewel go, who is on the drums, and who let the do out?" She, at some point, handed me one page from one section of her paper, and another entire section. I'm sure she probably told me what she intended me to read, but like so many other times, I didn't really "listen". Often people have asked, "Where are your parents today?" and despite being sure they told me, I have no idea. So, here I sit with the paper sections thinking, "Did she mean to show me the story about the Center for Great Apes? I doubt she even knows that they are a cause I have been supporting for almost two years. Did she mean for me to see the geocaches website? No, that was something Trent and I were talking about. Ok, it must be books section on the back. There is definitely one book that will be added to the 'want to read' list. Aha, maybe it is the local Vagina Monologues performances. Wouldn't it be fun if I could get her to go with me." Well, I guess I'll just have to call and ask her. But, what about this other piece. Either she wants me to get the Diary of a Wimpy Kid series for Taylor to read, or she is giving me the parenting section for the advice column about the two year old who wakes up at 3 am. Probably the latter. But, still, there is growing talk about that book series. I wonder if she knew that everything in the paper would be so interesting. I still don't know why she gave me the paper, but it felt like 'Jackpot!' when I opened it. I know I have never felt that way about such a small section of a newspaper before. Generally, I can't find 4 articles in the entire paper of interest. Thanks mom!

Teeniest tidbit on Taylor....

I found one of his stat sheets from the rpg games Taylor invents. The babies must have hid it from him under the kitchen cabinet, in the stew pot. One section that describes the character he created (Stratora) says, "Blind in his right eye, Stratora often does not wear a shirt because he has many spiritual markings on his upper body, and prefers a staff." At the bottom it says, "Do not worry my troops, for I have seen the path to victory." He also recently told me that the hero of the story he is writing is the seventh son of a seventh son. Very clever.

Jellybean is Two!!!!

What! I can not believe she is really two! She is saying (very short, very cute) sentences, and has captured everyone's hearts. Every morning we wake up with her in our bed and marvel at her soft skin and beautiful eyes. Even when she is breaking things and making a mess, everyone in our house (well, maybe not Trevor) will kiss her head as we tell her "no". Spoiled is not a strong enough word for this little princess. Her pouting is so cute, that even as I am saying, "I said no!", I am smiling or laughing. She thinks that it is funny when Trent and I kiss. (Trevor gets jealous, but Jewel just laughs.) All the grandparents think she gets more beautiful everyday, and we have a hard time disagreeing. I am relieved that she has learned to stand up to Trevor, too. She never hesitates to tell him "no" if he tries to be stingy with toys. I always said I wouldn't let my daughter where pink or have a pink room, but I was delusional. Everything in her room is some shade of pink or purple. But, her favorite 'dress up' outfit is the clown costume. And, boy can she eat. She eats better than Trevor by miles, sometimes she eats more than me. Other times she throws her food on the floor for Hogan. She and Hogan are becoming best buds, mostly because of the food, but she thinks everything he does is funny. Lately she has been singing a lot. She sings, "tinkle, tinkle, ittle tar, onder, onder, ou are." Very sweet!

games and friends and posts (oh my)...

Last night, for the first time in 6 years, we registered Taylor for little league ball. The last time he played was the end of Ethan's pregnancy, and although I think my mother helped him finish that season of T-ball, Trent and I spent the month after Ethan was born living in the Ronald McDonald House and visiting the NICU (all day). Everything that we did before he was born and in the months that he lived, including shopping at Walmart (aka hell), physical therapy, and playing ball with Taylor, had become almost taboo until recently. It is too easy to start thinking about Ethan and wishing him back. But, we are claiming the right to enjoy whatever we want again (such as excessive fantasy, as indicated by the title description of this blog), slowly. Because we moved away from the martial arts facility (and he had quit going anyway, too many people expected him to be spectacular because of Trent, and he just wasn't into it), we asked what sports he wanted to try. He picked baseball. The tryouts are Jan. 24th, which is, if anyone wants to come the day before Jewel's birthday party. Also, during our explorations into chemistry this week, we used the Usborne Science Encyclopedia to learn a little about atomic structure and found a game that we both enjoy. I wish I had more for you, but I haven't picked up the camera all week. I remember when I first started the blog, that I was afraid to put pics of us on the blog, but after seeing what others were doing, I thought it would be a great way to create a memory book for our family. I used to take hundreds of pictures everywhere we went and loved taking them. I have stacks of pictures of nothing from before Ethan, but there are literally about 30 pics of us with Ethan, many taken by others. In the 4 years after he died, there are only pictures that others took of us and we have never had a professional portrait of just our family. The kids have had a few made, but for whatever reason(ok, i know the reason), we have not. We did finally start posing together as a family for others to take a picture after Jewel was born, but that was before we started losing weight and we really didn't like what we saw. I think that it is time, though. We both still have 25 pounds to go, so maybe we'll wait until we reach the goals. Trent is working (thanks, my love) a lot right now, so we probably couldn't squeeze it in anyway. But, enough babbling, the point is, sometimes the blog inspires me to take pictures all week, which is one of the many reasons I started it, and sometimes I think, "I don't even want to post on it, maybe I'll just retreat back into my lonely silent world and quit trying to reach out." It really is a daily struggle for me. It is much easier for me to read and teach and play with the kids and not even try to communicate with anyone else. Sometimes I combat that by posting only pictures, other times I just write the post and post it and never think about it again. If I do read it again or think about what I wrote, deleting comes to mind. But, in the interest of integrity I can usually resist. One such post is from the other blog I started and quit, about Math. Anytime I rant about a topic, I always find in hindsight that I neglected certain relevant ideas, and gave an incomplete summary of how I really feel. (For instance, what if you like your job more than you like your family and yard. Still, no reason to poison the environment to keep green grass year round, but a valid argument; to which I say, "Live in an apartment!") I am still not sure how I got to this point, but I can see the beginnings of it well before I was 12. But, it was manageable until I left high school. After that, the only "friends" I made were of the boyfriend type (not a really reliable group) and although it didn't bother me then, I was aware that I didn't have any meaningful relationships even then. Now, 12 years later, I have no problems talking to strangers, neighbors, anyone really for a few minutes about nothing. But, developing any long term, meaningful, back and forth friendship seems to be hopeless. Luckily, I have my husband, because he tolerates me beautifully and we can be honest and real with each other. Also, he has friends that I knew when I was younger and they also like me, so I am not "lonely". But, for a while, until I realized 'how' I was, I was starting to feel very alone. There was a time, before Trent and I recovered from Ethan's loss, that even our relationship was becoming superficial. I was, thankfully, aware of it, and positive that it was not the way we wanted our marriage to end up. So, we 'fixed' that, and because of his support, I have come to accept where I am in this journey. (He knows I love him for it.) I am hoping that going back to school will at least give me people that I see on a regular basis (kind of like 'friends'). And, of course, I have family members that can, at least, tolerate me on an occasional basis, even if they think I am very strange. But, I definitely regret the haphazard way in which I treated the friendships I once had. I wasn't going to make this struggle public, at least not on the blog, but as no one reads it or comments or emails or talks to me about it, I don't see what it will hurt. And, some stranger struggling with the same thing may find it and comment, thus helping us both. I read an essay by a teenager with asperger's and much of it sounded very familiar. I once covered an entire wall in my bedroom with pictures from Nat Geo magazines (that I still collect and read) and often watched the neighborhood children play together while I looked on from a hidden spot to the side (usually with a journal in my hand). I had no therapy or 'support' until Ethan died, and I haven't continued with therapy. Still, I have at least grasped why I do what I do, and thanks to some lucky breaks in my past, have found a safe partner who gives me a stable platform to bungee from into life. I don't see the solution, and barely see the problem; but, life is a journey of change (for me, at least) and I am enjoying it very much, regardless of the struggles. So, here's to another post that, while being the whole truth, I will completely ignore and one day, delete. PS- That thing that I thought I may one day do again, was go back to school. The thing that I will never get to do again, was massage Ethan's little feet. In case you thought it was something else.

Small adjustment....

(or where I was supposed to go with the last post) Last year, before I started working on creating the game and before I really understood how learning takes place, we studied from workbooks and textbook style resources based on the things the local schools would be covering. Our "daily routine" has yet to settle into a normal situation. That is partly because the babies are going through various developmental stages, such as can't play alone, can't stop climbing, won't stay out of the water in the bathroom, wants to color on everything, and must be watched at all times or allowed to play outside (coincides with 'can climb the fence'). They interrupt everything we have ever done, one way or the other. Two days ago we were watching a lecture (from The Teaching Company) and it took 90 minutes to watch a 30 minute lecture. Yesterday, we read a book while walking to the park, and I had to read loudly over Trevor as he asked the same question over and over again in an attempt to get my focus back on him. Every time Taylor practices any instrument both of the babies try to help him play it, and no activity that Mom is willing to do with them is distracting enough to last. We used Time4learning.com before and in light of my forthcoming time constraints, we have decided to use it again. It really doesn't (by itself) fit with the ideas of actual learning (by that I mean, remembering what you have read/learned), but it is easy to find lessons that compliment other resources and Taylor can do it by himself. I built a tower of blocks (and a pyramid, many times) with the babies, while Taylor explored various lessons, and that seemed to work for us. Sometimes Trevor (and Jewel) will color by themselves for 10 or 15 minutes while we try a math problem, or they will watch part of a show while we read together. But, they are not prone to long periods of playing by themselves while Taylor gets my attention. That has been our most difficult struggle with homeschooling, so far. It is getting better, because Trevor is learning colors and numbers and letters now, so I can give him "school time" in exchange for "no interruptions" but that has a limit of 30 minutes max. And Jewel does not care what 'agreement' we make, she is going to sit in my lap when she wants and is capable of destroying the house to get my attention if necessary. If Trevor leaves a crayon laying on the floor, and I am in another room, she can cover a wall in seconds. If she is in the classroom for even 30 seconds, the guitars (all of them) will be 'retuned', every thumbtack within reach will be pulled out of the wall (I tried the tacky stuff, it didn't work), and probably the computer will be 'reconfigured'. Basically, what I am trying to say is, "shit happens" and I am constantly stepping in it. I have tried many ideas; and they usually work, for a while, for specific situations. Now that neither of them will let me hold them all day, and they can climb any child gate that is made (although Trent has joked about a floor to ceiling chain link gate blocking their hallway), I am running out of ideas. We can only stay outside for so long, they have two bedrooms, a classroom, and a library full of 'entertainment', but nothing is as fun as interrupting bubba's 'schooltime'. For this reason, I am constantly adjusting the way we school and (I regret to report) have yet to find a routine that works. I hoped that the game would at least prevent me from losing sight of the point of the study each day, and now that we are schooling without it again, I can see that it did. While I won't say I am lost without it, things are getting a little scattered. "AAAAAH, put that down, get down from there, I'll be there in a minute Taylor, what is that smell, stop slamming that door, no crayons!" Help and bother!