Jellybean is Two!!!!

What! I can not believe she is really two! She is saying (very short, very cute) sentences, and has captured everyone's hearts. Every morning we wake up with her in our bed and marvel at her soft skin and beautiful eyes. Even when she is breaking things and making a mess, everyone in our house (well, maybe not Trevor) will kiss her head as we tell her "no". Spoiled is not a strong enough word for this little princess. Her pouting is so cute, that even as I am saying, "I said no!", I am smiling or laughing. She thinks that it is funny when Trent and I kiss. (Trevor gets jealous, but Jewel just laughs.) All the grandparents think she gets more beautiful everyday, and we have a hard time disagreeing. I am relieved that she has learned to stand up to Trevor, too. She never hesitates to tell him "no" if he tries to be stingy with toys. I always said I wouldn't let my daughter where pink or have a pink room, but I was delusional. Everything in her room is some shade of pink or purple. But, her favorite 'dress up' outfit is the clown costume. And, boy can she eat. She eats better than Trevor by miles, sometimes she eats more than me. Other times she throws her food on the floor for Hogan. She and Hogan are becoming best buds, mostly because of the food, but she thinks everything he does is funny. Lately she has been singing a lot. She sings, "tinkle, tinkle, ittle tar, onder, onder, ou are." Very sweet!

games and friends and posts (oh my)...

Last night, for the first time in 6 years, we registered Taylor for little league ball. The last time he played was the end of Ethan's pregnancy, and although I think my mother helped him finish that season of T-ball, Trent and I spent the month after Ethan was born living in the Ronald McDonald House and visiting the NICU (all day). Everything that we did before he was born and in the months that he lived, including shopping at Walmart (aka hell), physical therapy, and playing ball with Taylor, had become almost taboo until recently. It is too easy to start thinking about Ethan and wishing him back. But, we are claiming the right to enjoy whatever we want again (such as excessive fantasy, as indicated by the title description of this blog), slowly. Because we moved away from the martial arts facility (and he had quit going anyway, too many people expected him to be spectacular because of Trent, and he just wasn't into it), we asked what sports he wanted to try. He picked baseball. The tryouts are Jan. 24th, which is, if anyone wants to come the day before Jewel's birthday party. Also, during our explorations into chemistry this week, we used the Usborne Science Encyclopedia to learn a little about atomic structure and found a game that we both enjoy. I wish I had more for you, but I haven't picked up the camera all week. I remember when I first started the blog, that I was afraid to put pics of us on the blog, but after seeing what others were doing, I thought it would be a great way to create a memory book for our family. I used to take hundreds of pictures everywhere we went and loved taking them. I have stacks of pictures of nothing from before Ethan, but there are literally about 30 pics of us with Ethan, many taken by others. In the 4 years after he died, there are only pictures that others took of us and we have never had a professional portrait of just our family. The kids have had a few made, but for whatever reason(ok, i know the reason), we have not. We did finally start posing together as a family for others to take a picture after Jewel was born, but that was before we started losing weight and we really didn't like what we saw. I think that it is time, though. We both still have 25 pounds to go, so maybe we'll wait until we reach the goals. Trent is working (thanks, my love) a lot right now, so we probably couldn't squeeze it in anyway. But, enough babbling, the point is, sometimes the blog inspires me to take pictures all week, which is one of the many reasons I started it, and sometimes I think, "I don't even want to post on it, maybe I'll just retreat back into my lonely silent world and quit trying to reach out." It really is a daily struggle for me. It is much easier for me to read and teach and play with the kids and not even try to communicate with anyone else. Sometimes I combat that by posting only pictures, other times I just write the post and post it and never think about it again. If I do read it again or think about what I wrote, deleting comes to mind. But, in the interest of integrity I can usually resist. One such post is from the other blog I started and quit, about Math. Anytime I rant about a topic, I always find in hindsight that I neglected certain relevant ideas, and gave an incomplete summary of how I really feel. (For instance, what if you like your job more than you like your family and yard. Still, no reason to poison the environment to keep green grass year round, but a valid argument; to which I say, "Live in an apartment!") I am still not sure how I got to this point, but I can see the beginnings of it well before I was 12. But, it was manageable until I left high school. After that, the only "friends" I made were of the boyfriend type (not a really reliable group) and although it didn't bother me then, I was aware that I didn't have any meaningful relationships even then. Now, 12 years later, I have no problems talking to strangers, neighbors, anyone really for a few minutes about nothing. But, developing any long term, meaningful, back and forth friendship seems to be hopeless. Luckily, I have my husband, because he tolerates me beautifully and we can be honest and real with each other. Also, he has friends that I knew when I was younger and they also like me, so I am not "lonely". But, for a while, until I realized 'how' I was, I was starting to feel very alone. There was a time, before Trent and I recovered from Ethan's loss, that even our relationship was becoming superficial. I was, thankfully, aware of it, and positive that it was not the way we wanted our marriage to end up. So, we 'fixed' that, and because of his support, I have come to accept where I am in this journey. (He knows I love him for it.) I am hoping that going back to school will at least give me people that I see on a regular basis (kind of like 'friends'). And, of course, I have family members that can, at least, tolerate me on an occasional basis, even if they think I am very strange. But, I definitely regret the haphazard way in which I treated the friendships I once had. I wasn't going to make this struggle public, at least not on the blog, but as no one reads it or comments or emails or talks to me about it, I don't see what it will hurt. And, some stranger struggling with the same thing may find it and comment, thus helping us both. I read an essay by a teenager with asperger's and much of it sounded very familiar. I once covered an entire wall in my bedroom with pictures from Nat Geo magazines (that I still collect and read) and often watched the neighborhood children play together while I looked on from a hidden spot to the side (usually with a journal in my hand). I had no therapy or 'support' until Ethan died, and I haven't continued with therapy. Still, I have at least grasped why I do what I do, and thanks to some lucky breaks in my past, have found a safe partner who gives me a stable platform to bungee from into life. I don't see the solution, and barely see the problem; but, life is a journey of change (for me, at least) and I am enjoying it very much, regardless of the struggles. So, here's to another post that, while being the whole truth, I will completely ignore and one day, delete. PS- That thing that I thought I may one day do again, was go back to school. The thing that I will never get to do again, was massage Ethan's little feet. In case you thought it was something else.

Small adjustment....

(or where I was supposed to go with the last post) Last year, before I started working on creating the game and before I really understood how learning takes place, we studied from workbooks and textbook style resources based on the things the local schools would be covering. Our "daily routine" has yet to settle into a normal situation. That is partly because the babies are going through various developmental stages, such as can't play alone, can't stop climbing, won't stay out of the water in the bathroom, wants to color on everything, and must be watched at all times or allowed to play outside (coincides with 'can climb the fence'). They interrupt everything we have ever done, one way or the other. Two days ago we were watching a lecture (from The Teaching Company) and it took 90 minutes to watch a 30 minute lecture. Yesterday, we read a book while walking to the park, and I had to read loudly over Trevor as he asked the same question over and over again in an attempt to get my focus back on him. Every time Taylor practices any instrument both of the babies try to help him play it, and no activity that Mom is willing to do with them is distracting enough to last. We used Time4learning.com before and in light of my forthcoming time constraints, we have decided to use it again. It really doesn't (by itself) fit with the ideas of actual learning (by that I mean, remembering what you have read/learned), but it is easy to find lessons that compliment other resources and Taylor can do it by himself. I built a tower of blocks (and a pyramid, many times) with the babies, while Taylor explored various lessons, and that seemed to work for us. Sometimes Trevor (and Jewel) will color by themselves for 10 or 15 minutes while we try a math problem, or they will watch part of a show while we read together. But, they are not prone to long periods of playing by themselves while Taylor gets my attention. That has been our most difficult struggle with homeschooling, so far. It is getting better, because Trevor is learning colors and numbers and letters now, so I can give him "school time" in exchange for "no interruptions" but that has a limit of 30 minutes max. And Jewel does not care what 'agreement' we make, she is going to sit in my lap when she wants and is capable of destroying the house to get my attention if necessary. If Trevor leaves a crayon laying on the floor, and I am in another room, she can cover a wall in seconds. If she is in the classroom for even 30 seconds, the guitars (all of them) will be 'retuned', every thumbtack within reach will be pulled out of the wall (I tried the tacky stuff, it didn't work), and probably the computer will be 'reconfigured'. Basically, what I am trying to say is, "shit happens" and I am constantly stepping in it. I have tried many ideas; and they usually work, for a while, for specific situations. Now that neither of them will let me hold them all day, and they can climb any child gate that is made (although Trent has joked about a floor to ceiling chain link gate blocking their hallway), I am running out of ideas. We can only stay outside for so long, they have two bedrooms, a classroom, and a library full of 'entertainment', but nothing is as fun as interrupting bubba's 'schooltime'. For this reason, I am constantly adjusting the way we school and (I regret to report) have yet to find a routine that works. I hoped that the game would at least prevent me from losing sight of the point of the study each day, and now that we are schooling without it again, I can see that it did. While I won't say I am lost without it, things are getting a little scattered. "AAAAAH, put that down, get down from there, I'll be there in a minute Taylor, what is that smell, stop slamming that door, no crayons!" Help and bother!

Adjusting...

Our "life", or schedule, or responsibilities, or whatever you call it, has (like everyone who is "growing up") been changing pretty constantly. If it isn't changing because of jobs or children, it is changing because we are trying to improve something. Our finances, our kids education, our home, our relationship, and ourselves are some of the things that we have targeted. It would, I'm sure, have been much easier to do it all "right" from the beginning, but before we were together we didn't spend much time thinking about what was "right". And, when we decided to blend our lives together we didn't know what "right" would feel like to us. I knew that I wanted to be the primary caretaker for my kids, because I had already had some bad experiences with daycare centers and Taylor. I was shocked and grateful when Trent willingly agreed to allow me to stay home and take care of my son and niece. (It was slightly more complicated than that because I was pregnant with Ethan for part of it.) I also always knew that I wanted to go back to school, even if it took forever; and, pretty early on, we knew that Trent did not. If he can pay the bills and have his "hobbies" that is enough for him. Even before Ethan was born, we were trying (with teeny weeny steps) to improve the future we could provide our children. Trent tried several changes to his employment situation that helped us immensely, but they didn't always work the way we expected. We also never hesitated to jump at any lucky chance that came along; houses for rent and job offers primarily, but we also took advantage of our ability to make do with less. We knew we couldn't afford private schools and that time was flying by for our oldest son, and we knew that I could handle educating him. Now that we have found a better diet (and I wasn't working, so I had the time to cook for it) and a better education method (and I am able to make sense of it) and a promising job situation (and Trent can do any job), the changes we predict we will make are very small (relative to those made in the past). I hope it stays this way. Coincidentally, if you are reading this and thinking, "I have not had to actively consider those things and I am successful and happy." Be grateful for the ease of your life, and for your ability to make the right choices throughout it.

tidbit about Jellybean...

Trevor is very smart, (obviously I think he is a genius)and Taylor, well, test after test (besides confounding the staff at his school) proved that he is very, very gifted. But, Jewel is just now being watched for signs of brilliance. We try not to put expectations on our children. But, yesterday she was amazing me at every turn. I can't recall all of the wonderful things she said and did, but I started to think, "Wow, we've got a little smarty pants on our hands!" She, for the first time, recognized that she and Nana have the same first name. That thoroughly delighted Nana, who had stopped by to check on her namesake. Then, she started telling me when she needed her diaper changed by saying, "tinky diaper!" or "oooh, yuck, diaper!" Then, she climbed onto the changing table and waited for me! A little while later she counted to 7! No kidding! I almost fell over. She even turned it into a song! Then, she got to jump on the trampoline with just Dad. The coordination and balance she displayed was amazing. Last night, I decided to watch a little of Mary Poppins with her (we love the songs) and while I was fast forwarding through the ads at the beginning (yep, we still have some VHS), she was identifying animals that whizzed by in rapid fire. I've never heard her talk so fast or so much! Just as she was laying down, I caught her singing "Twinkle, twinkle Little Star" to her baby doll! I understand that I am a very biased judge, but I am pretty sure that I have some amazing and smart kids. Staying home is easy with entertainment like this, even when one of them wakes you up at 4:30 every morning and keeps you up for an hour, and they are both running full throttle by 7 every morning! Fun everywhere!