Jellybean is Two!!!!

What! I can not believe she is really two! She is saying (very short, very cute) sentences, and has captured everyone's hearts. Every morning we wake up with her in our bed and marvel at her soft skin and beautiful eyes. Even when she is breaking things and making a mess, everyone in our house (well, maybe not Trevor) will kiss her head as we tell her "no". Spoiled is not a strong enough word for this little princess. Her pouting is so cute, that even as I am saying, "I said no!", I am smiling or laughing. She thinks that it is funny when Trent and I kiss. (Trevor gets jealous, but Jewel just laughs.) All the grandparents think she gets more beautiful everyday, and we have a hard time disagreeing. I am relieved that she has learned to stand up to Trevor, too. She never hesitates to tell him "no" if he tries to be stingy with toys. I always said I wouldn't let my daughter where pink or have a pink room, but I was delusional. Everything in her room is some shade of pink or purple. But, her favorite 'dress up' outfit is the clown costume. And, boy can she eat. She eats better than Trevor by miles, sometimes she eats more than me. Other times she throws her food on the floor for Hogan. She and Hogan are becoming best buds, mostly because of the food, but she thinks everything he does is funny. Lately she has been singing a lot. She sings, "tinkle, tinkle, ittle tar, onder, onder, ou are." Very sweet!

games and friends and posts (oh my)...

Last night, for the first time in 6 years, we registered Taylor for little league ball. The last time he played was the end of Ethan's pregnancy, and although I think my mother helped him finish that season of T-ball, Trent and I spent the month after Ethan was born living in the Ronald McDonald House and visiting the NICU (all day). Everything that we did before he was born and in the months that he lived, including shopping at Walmart (aka hell), physical therapy, and playing ball with Taylor, had become almost taboo until recently. It is too easy to start thinking about Ethan and wishing him back. But, we are claiming the right to enjoy whatever we want again (such as excessive fantasy, as indicated by the title description of this blog), slowly. Because we moved away from the martial arts facility (and he had quit going anyway, too many people expected him to be spectacular because of Trent, and he just wasn't into it), we asked what sports he wanted to try. He picked baseball. The tryouts are Jan. 24th, which is, if anyone wants to come the day before Jewel's birthday party. Also, during our explorations into chemistry this week, we used the Usborne Science Encyclopedia to learn a little about atomic structure and found a game that we both enjoy. I wish I had more for you, but I haven't picked up the camera all week. I remember when I first started the blog, that I was afraid to put pics of us on the blog, but after seeing what others were doing, I thought it would be a great way to create a memory book for our family. I used to take hundreds of pictures everywhere we went and loved taking them. I have stacks of pictures of nothing from before Ethan, but there are literally about 30 pics of us with Ethan, many taken by others. In the 4 years after he died, there are only pictures that others took of us and we have never had a professional portrait of just our family. The kids have had a few made, but for whatever reason(ok, i know the reason), we have not. We did finally start posing together as a family for others to take a picture after Jewel was born, but that was before we started losing weight and we really didn't like what we saw. I think that it is time, though. We both still have 25 pounds to go, so maybe we'll wait until we reach the goals. Trent is working (thanks, my love) a lot right now, so we probably couldn't squeeze it in anyway. But, enough babbling, the point is, sometimes the blog inspires me to take pictures all week, which is one of the many reasons I started it, and sometimes I think, "I don't even want to post on it, maybe I'll just retreat back into my lonely silent world and quit trying to reach out." It really is a daily struggle for me. It is much easier for me to read and teach and play with the kids and not even try to communicate with anyone else. Sometimes I combat that by posting only pictures, other times I just write the post and post it and never think about it again. If I do read it again or think about what I wrote, deleting comes to mind. But, in the interest of integrity I can usually resist. One such post is from the other blog I started and quit, about Math. Anytime I rant about a topic, I always find in hindsight that I neglected certain relevant ideas, and gave an incomplete summary of how I really feel. (For instance, what if you like your job more than you like your family and yard. Still, no reason to poison the environment to keep green grass year round, but a valid argument; to which I say, "Live in an apartment!") I am still not sure how I got to this point, but I can see the beginnings of it well before I was 12. But, it was manageable until I left high school. After that, the only "friends" I made were of the boyfriend type (not a really reliable group) and although it didn't bother me then, I was aware that I didn't have any meaningful relationships even then. Now, 12 years later, I have no problems talking to strangers, neighbors, anyone really for a few minutes about nothing. But, developing any long term, meaningful, back and forth friendship seems to be hopeless. Luckily, I have my husband, because he tolerates me beautifully and we can be honest and real with each other. Also, he has friends that I knew when I was younger and they also like me, so I am not "lonely". But, for a while, until I realized 'how' I was, I was starting to feel very alone. There was a time, before Trent and I recovered from Ethan's loss, that even our relationship was becoming superficial. I was, thankfully, aware of it, and positive that it was not the way we wanted our marriage to end up. So, we 'fixed' that, and because of his support, I have come to accept where I am in this journey. (He knows I love him for it.) I am hoping that going back to school will at least give me people that I see on a regular basis (kind of like 'friends'). And, of course, I have family members that can, at least, tolerate me on an occasional basis, even if they think I am very strange. But, I definitely regret the haphazard way in which I treated the friendships I once had. I wasn't going to make this struggle public, at least not on the blog, but as no one reads it or comments or emails or talks to me about it, I don't see what it will hurt. And, some stranger struggling with the same thing may find it and comment, thus helping us both. I read an essay by a teenager with asperger's and much of it sounded very familiar. I once covered an entire wall in my bedroom with pictures from Nat Geo magazines (that I still collect and read) and often watched the neighborhood children play together while I looked on from a hidden spot to the side (usually with a journal in my hand). I had no therapy or 'support' until Ethan died, and I haven't continued with therapy. Still, I have at least grasped why I do what I do, and thanks to some lucky breaks in my past, have found a safe partner who gives me a stable platform to bungee from into life. I don't see the solution, and barely see the problem; but, life is a journey of change (for me, at least) and I am enjoying it very much, regardless of the struggles. So, here's to another post that, while being the whole truth, I will completely ignore and one day, delete. PS- That thing that I thought I may one day do again, was go back to school. The thing that I will never get to do again, was massage Ethan's little feet. In case you thought it was something else.

Small adjustment....

(or where I was supposed to go with the last post) Last year, before I started working on creating the game and before I really understood how learning takes place, we studied from workbooks and textbook style resources based on the things the local schools would be covering. Our "daily routine" has yet to settle into a normal situation. That is partly because the babies are going through various developmental stages, such as can't play alone, can't stop climbing, won't stay out of the water in the bathroom, wants to color on everything, and must be watched at all times or allowed to play outside (coincides with 'can climb the fence'). They interrupt everything we have ever done, one way or the other. Two days ago we were watching a lecture (from The Teaching Company) and it took 90 minutes to watch a 30 minute lecture. Yesterday, we read a book while walking to the park, and I had to read loudly over Trevor as he asked the same question over and over again in an attempt to get my focus back on him. Every time Taylor practices any instrument both of the babies try to help him play it, and no activity that Mom is willing to do with them is distracting enough to last. We used Time4learning.com before and in light of my forthcoming time constraints, we have decided to use it again. It really doesn't (by itself) fit with the ideas of actual learning (by that I mean, remembering what you have read/learned), but it is easy to find lessons that compliment other resources and Taylor can do it by himself. I built a tower of blocks (and a pyramid, many times) with the babies, while Taylor explored various lessons, and that seemed to work for us. Sometimes Trevor (and Jewel) will color by themselves for 10 or 15 minutes while we try a math problem, or they will watch part of a show while we read together. But, they are not prone to long periods of playing by themselves while Taylor gets my attention. That has been our most difficult struggle with homeschooling, so far. It is getting better, because Trevor is learning colors and numbers and letters now, so I can give him "school time" in exchange for "no interruptions" but that has a limit of 30 minutes max. And Jewel does not care what 'agreement' we make, she is going to sit in my lap when she wants and is capable of destroying the house to get my attention if necessary. If Trevor leaves a crayon laying on the floor, and I am in another room, she can cover a wall in seconds. If she is in the classroom for even 30 seconds, the guitars (all of them) will be 'retuned', every thumbtack within reach will be pulled out of the wall (I tried the tacky stuff, it didn't work), and probably the computer will be 'reconfigured'. Basically, what I am trying to say is, "shit happens" and I am constantly stepping in it. I have tried many ideas; and they usually work, for a while, for specific situations. Now that neither of them will let me hold them all day, and they can climb any child gate that is made (although Trent has joked about a floor to ceiling chain link gate blocking their hallway), I am running out of ideas. We can only stay outside for so long, they have two bedrooms, a classroom, and a library full of 'entertainment', but nothing is as fun as interrupting bubba's 'schooltime'. For this reason, I am constantly adjusting the way we school and (I regret to report) have yet to find a routine that works. I hoped that the game would at least prevent me from losing sight of the point of the study each day, and now that we are schooling without it again, I can see that it did. While I won't say I am lost without it, things are getting a little scattered. "AAAAAH, put that down, get down from there, I'll be there in a minute Taylor, what is that smell, stop slamming that door, no crayons!" Help and bother!

Adjusting...

Our "life", or schedule, or responsibilities, or whatever you call it, has (like everyone who is "growing up") been changing pretty constantly. If it isn't changing because of jobs or children, it is changing because we are trying to improve something. Our finances, our kids education, our home, our relationship, and ourselves are some of the things that we have targeted. It would, I'm sure, have been much easier to do it all "right" from the beginning, but before we were together we didn't spend much time thinking about what was "right". And, when we decided to blend our lives together we didn't know what "right" would feel like to us. I knew that I wanted to be the primary caretaker for my kids, because I had already had some bad experiences with daycare centers and Taylor. I was shocked and grateful when Trent willingly agreed to allow me to stay home and take care of my son and niece. (It was slightly more complicated than that because I was pregnant with Ethan for part of it.) I also always knew that I wanted to go back to school, even if it took forever; and, pretty early on, we knew that Trent did not. If he can pay the bills and have his "hobbies" that is enough for him. Even before Ethan was born, we were trying (with teeny weeny steps) to improve the future we could provide our children. Trent tried several changes to his employment situation that helped us immensely, but they didn't always work the way we expected. We also never hesitated to jump at any lucky chance that came along; houses for rent and job offers primarily, but we also took advantage of our ability to make do with less. We knew we couldn't afford private schools and that time was flying by for our oldest son, and we knew that I could handle educating him. Now that we have found a better diet (and I wasn't working, so I had the time to cook for it) and a better education method (and I am able to make sense of it) and a promising job situation (and Trent can do any job), the changes we predict we will make are very small (relative to those made in the past). I hope it stays this way. Coincidentally, if you are reading this and thinking, "I have not had to actively consider those things and I am successful and happy." Be grateful for the ease of your life, and for your ability to make the right choices throughout it.

tidbit about Jellybean...

Trevor is very smart, (obviously I think he is a genius)and Taylor, well, test after test (besides confounding the staff at his school) proved that he is very, very gifted. But, Jewel is just now being watched for signs of brilliance. We try not to put expectations on our children. But, yesterday she was amazing me at every turn. I can't recall all of the wonderful things she said and did, but I started to think, "Wow, we've got a little smarty pants on our hands!" She, for the first time, recognized that she and Nana have the same first name. That thoroughly delighted Nana, who had stopped by to check on her namesake. Then, she started telling me when she needed her diaper changed by saying, "tinky diaper!" or "oooh, yuck, diaper!" Then, she climbed onto the changing table and waited for me! A little while later she counted to 7! No kidding! I almost fell over. She even turned it into a song! Then, she got to jump on the trampoline with just Dad. The coordination and balance she displayed was amazing. Last night, I decided to watch a little of Mary Poppins with her (we love the songs) and while I was fast forwarding through the ads at the beginning (yep, we still have some VHS), she was identifying animals that whizzed by in rapid fire. I've never heard her talk so fast or so much! Just as she was laying down, I caught her singing "Twinkle, twinkle Little Star" to her baby doll! I understand that I am a very biased judge, but I am pretty sure that I have some amazing and smart kids. Staying home is easy with entertainment like this, even when one of them wakes you up at 4:30 every morning and keeps you up for an hour, and they are both running full throttle by 7 every morning! Fun everywhere!

A day of firsts....

I was trying to make cards for Algebra 1 battles with Taylor, but Trevor wanted to practice writing. That is not a first; he always wants to do whatever I do, and he has been asking to "write" things lately. But, this time he wanted to try by himself. He kind of made an "A" on his own, and kept trying until the 6 index cards I had given him were full. But, he wasn't satisfied with his results. So, he asked to draw a monster. I didn't want to give him any more index cards, so I gave him his first notebook and pencil. He was thrilled! And, his favorite thing to do is put the pencil in the spiral and take it out again. Followed closely by scribbling then erasing. Very funny! Then, Jewel figured out how to pull the lever on the See n Say, all by herself. Then, Mommy realized that if she wants to do her work she needs to do it on her own time, uh, she's on the clock now, right! I guess I'll finish the cards tonight.

The saga of the yard....

Well, not really a saga. I think it would have to occupy more of my time than it does to be a saga. But, it is becoming an interesting transformation story. First, the grass. So far, no chemicals have touched the lawn. Mission accomplished. And, weeds haven't taken over, although along the side by our neighbors who do spray their yard, you can see where the weeds will grow (our side) and where they won't. Someone (the lady I met via Hogan when we first moved in) moved into the house next door, from a home they were renting 5 houses down. So, I don't know yet what they are going to do to their yard. It is mostly weeds. But, all my weeding hasn't made the grass fill in. At least not yet. I can see that it is trying to spread, but there is a grass like plant that is also spreading. While I didn't initially target it for weeding, I am going to now. I guess it will just take time for the grass to spread to the dead areas. I know it will (contrary to what my neighbor says) spread, because I am constantly twisting runners of grass from my beds and the concrete back into the yard. If it will spread there it will spread anywhere. So, I have, with little effort avoided the yard treatments, for now. I need to say, I would gladly put more time and energy into the yard and the garden, if I had any to spare. As it is, I already have a double load of work (and things are about to get worse), so I don't really have time to create a garden that requires daily attention. But, I have confidence that seeds in the ground with adequate sun and water will grown whether there are weeds nearby or not, so I will just try with the "spare time" I have. Right now there are some beans and peas coming in and the broccoli and greens look fine, too. I have a few more places to insert beds around the yard. Also, I have discovered a few places that will not get enough sunlight, but I will try to find seeds that need less sun for those places. Also, lately I have noticed that this yard is not as inviting as our previous yard. It shows, too. Before we moved we spent hours in the yard, doing almost everything. I will have to try to make this yard more comfortable. Except for the trampoline, we hardly even go out into it anymore. For now, here are the pics.

Teaching Taylor....

My teaching method is pretty straightforward in some respects. I simply try to gather as many resources as possible about the topic of the week(or day or month) and we explore them. I periodically check the math, science, and writing that he should know for the grade level he is technically in and make sure he is up to par, but I let him just run with it, where he is ahead of the curve. I suppose I do the same thing with the babies, in a way. I am quick to tell anyone that homeschooling Taylor is easy because he loves to learn about anything. And, there isn't much that he can't learn, if explained from the basics up. Unschooling is easy with him because there is so much that he wants to know more about and so much that he wants to try to do. But, he does have this obsession with games, and earning levels, and developing characters. He has been creating his own card games (like the trading card games of Pokemon and Magic) since he was 8. It was my desire to include this element in his schooling that caused me to start designing the game. So far, I am surprised at the results. It really isn't that bad and the "fill in the blanks" style will make it easy for other moms to use. But, we both feel that it isn't ready yet. It was too planned and structured to fit with the unschooling style that we enjoy. I could tell it was headed that way, but I wanted to test it out anyway. I knew there would be changes, but just couldn't see what to change. All the changes could be written into the plan without scrapping the current game until now. Right before Christmas, I started seeing what wasn't right. Then, during the week Taylor was out of town, I figured it out. But, it is kind of a big change and then several little ones. After Taylor and I started discussing the changes, he agreed that we could scrap the game and play again from Day 1. He said, "I still learned from it, but get a new character." Now he is coming up with a bunch of new ideas to add, and they are all really great ideas. I will be using most of them in the rewrite. In the meantime, we are going to study the Chinese New Year, Ninjas, lasers, and origami until we get bored and then we'll move on. And he is about to get a great introduction to college because I am going back. He has already witnessed the application process and is going to learn all about financial aid next. And, he's helping me review Algebra for the CPT. I am so excited to be going back, and really glad that Taylor gets to watch and learn with me. It is going to mean a little adjusting for our family, but we are all ready and excited. Trent has been teasing me that I will become a professional student, for good reason. Oh, I so could, if we won the lottery. ha ha He says that because, with the exception of the 3 years after Ethan died when I was occupied with grieving, I have been regretting not going and wishing I could go back. I cried with joy when we finished discussing it and decided that it was time. Now I am reviewing Algebra and biting my nails until the next semester (in May). The goal is a degree in Engineering on the way to a degree in Physics, and within 10 years (we might as well make use of this time, while I am "not working"). Here we go! So, (in conclusion) Taylor rocks, the game is getting a rewrite, and mom is finally going back to school.

Unschooling....

He said he didn't want to play Reader Rabbit or Dora. He asked to play the "paint game". I suppose he was watching Morlynn and Taylor do this a few weeks ago. This was Monday, I think. He really stayed focused on it and had really good control of the mouse. I remember that before we moved, he was just learning to use it more precisely. Wow, time just keeps tickin', right! He is already covering topics that are usually covered in Kindergarten, so here we go with another one to "school".

domestic violence....

I have a black eye. Not a bad one, just a little bruise around the bottom of my eye socket. No, I didn't get punched by an angry stranger in a bar. And, no, Trent didn't get fed up with me saying, "That's not where your dirty clothes go", and snap. He hit me with his head, accidentally of course. It was just as the alarm went off (a few days ago) and we just rolled into each other, his forehead hit my eye just right. It really wasn't that visible at first, but it has gotten more obvious over the last two days. The sympathetic and "tut tut" looks I get are really very entertaining. I think the guy at the gas station wanted to give me advice, but couldn't quite say it. Very funny! I tried to take a picture of it, but it just doesn't show very well. But, here are some funny pictures of Trevor (and me). He didn't understand that the shoulder pads were part of the football outfit. He said, "I'm a knight football player!" I said the helmet wouldn't fit me, but he proved that it would.