today...

Today, Hogan almost had that cat!  Jewel started referring to her banana as a cabana, and Trevor learned about the joys of the ViewMaster! 

yeah...

So, yeah, I've gone over my budget quite a few times (no, money didn't appear on any repeated checks) and even with nothing included, there is no grocery money.  I have been here before, but never this broke, and I always found a way.  That is going to be quite a challenge this time, but luckily I won't be alone in it.  Trent is going to help me feed the kids when they stay with me, poor guy, and if any one else wants to fund my "schooling" ha ha send grocery money!  Or food!  Or take me out to eat!  lol!  Yeah, so, I'm gonna be broke, like nobody's business.  Yeah.  Still, life is good!  Our desire to avoid debt all these years is proving to be helpful right now, and neither of us is really attached to any of the things in our house, so we aren't likely to argue over any of it.  And, we have already decided the "rules" that we want to apply to the kids' lives.  We are going to be helping each other get through the transition, there are still things that we depend on each other for, and we are not going to be able to change them right away.  It feels good though, to be at a place where we know what is going to happen, and we aren't struggling with the decision anymore.  Disappointing little aside,  I have had it with trying to "make friends", there is nothing more aggravating than meeting someone new and thinking that they have a brain for 10 minutes, only to discover that what they in fact posess is a tape player, not a brain.  I am constantly fooled by intelligent looking students who later turn out to be just that "intelligent looking".  The trouble is they think that we are similar because of our similar grades, so they tend to want to talk to me, well until I say something that hurts their fragile feelings.  Wow, that makes me sound unpleasant, I am not really.  Once, some of the Master Chiefs that I worked for started calling me "smiley", and I have found friends at school. However, most of the students who think that I will like them, are wrong.  And yet, when a conversation sparks up, I am still so hopeful, ha ha. 

wow...

It has been a long time since I have had time for this blog, and there has been so much going on that I haven't been able to talk about.  I really just thought it was best for us to sort it all out before I mentioned it, pretty sure I was right.  Anyway, now that I have time, I hope I can remember the best parts of life long enough to get them captured here.  I have already, in my new free time, solved a problem I've had for a while, jogging.  I haven't been able to enjoy a run because the little ones don't like to stay in the stroller, the stroller is heavy, and i never get to finish.  So, I have located enough knee pads and elbow pads and helmets for the boys, and a tricycle for the girl, and I let them play in the dead end road (there are no houses in that part of the subdivision) and I can run laps on that same stretch of road.  No one drives there and they love it, so finally, I can not only finish, but enjoy a run again.  Yippee!  And, not a minute too soon, I have always relied on running to deal with stress, except when Ethan died and well, we saw how that worked out. I am still waiting on one last grade, but I did get one huge chunk of worry down from the air without getting crushed (finances), now I only have the last grade (tiny little chunk), and my residential situation (couple medium chunks and one big one) to deal with.  Things should go pretty smooth from here on out. Trent gets a great workout just doing his job luckily for him, but we did manage to run together with just Jewel last weekend.  We are teasing each other that we will get in shape for others but not for each other.  That's not exactly what is happening, but it is fun that we are able to joke about things again.  We are both looking forward to getting it all going, though which is a lovely change.  I am glad that we will be able to remain friends because it will make this entire situation so much less horrible.  I will get to see the kids almost everyday for most of the year, and so will Trent for most of the year, it will be more school and work than separation that keeps us from the kids.  And, I am pretty sure (big chunk, to which I referred earlier) that I have found an apartment only 4 miles away from the house.  And, it is even closer to my school.  I am sure that I will start to fear this more as the time gets closer, but as it could be as soon as a month, I won't have long to worry. 

time to blog...

All the way to school, I hear, "Going to Mimi's house? Go get Morwynn?"  "Mom, I don't want to be dropped off first, take sister first today!"  "Where Bubba go, momma, where Bubba go?"  "Want to go to the beach?"  "Want to see Big Daddy."  (Notice, not a question.)  All the way home I here.  "Go to Mimi's house?"  "Mom, is Taylor home?"  "Mom, I'm just going to play with Taylor, Mom."  "Wanta jump on the twampowine?"  "Can I have cheese chips when we get home?"  "Can we play squeeballs?"  "Sweebawls, Sweebawls, Sweebawls!"  Life is Good...

waiting...

I can be patient, especially with the things that I really don't care about.  But, when something is important (like my grades or money), or it is something that will be fantastically fun, or when I, for whatever reason, know that the outcome will change my life, I hate waiting.  I am not good at it. I fidget, I can't focus on anything, I am easily irritated; it is just very hard for me.  I hate that impatient feeling, and am searching for more ways to shed it, but sometimes it just gets away from me.  Today, I spent all day waiting for many different things, and now, I am still waiting.  This same pattern has been going on for a few weeks.  There is a great deal up in the air and I am afraid that it may just crush me when it comes back down.  I could handle it ok the first week, and I am not crazy or too grumpy yet, but I am getting tired of holding back the flood of anxienty.  I have never had an anxiety attack, and seriously doubt that I will.  But, if I was ever gonna, now would be understandable.  I thought I could talk about everything going on with my friends, rather than rant on the blog.  However, as I have said before, no one reads this thing anyway, and it wasn't working.  I was still feeling the stress and sometimes the friends can increase the stress. Don't worry, if you are a friend, I still love you!  So, I am going to allow this one self-depricating rant and hope that it helps. 

Torn...

Well, what a holiday season!  Jewel is obsessed with the Christmas tree, especially the candy canes.  Last year, it was Trevor who kept bringing them to us.  Trent moved them all to the top of the tree.  That only helped a little.  Trevor had a long list of gift ideas when he went to see Santa, twice.  And, Taylor is of course trying to come up with a really good excuse to spend the entire week (next week) at Mimi's.  I am seriously considering, because, as you know by now, I have a lot to do.  I have almost everything in line to move out by the middle of January, but I might delay for various reasons.  I will be able to keep the kids with me more than I thought (I wrote the post about our split 6 months ago, and I didn't have as much figured out then) which is great.  And, Trent and I are getting along better than we have in a year at least, so if you've been worried, we're good.  We still have so much to share that we really want to remain very close, and so far, so good.  The little ones don't really understand yet, but they will not see much change in their day to day life, thankfully.  Taylor is ...well, Taylor; he gets it, and "it's cool."  He is disappointed that I have asked him to go back to public school next year, but I am trying not to be too hasty, so that decision may change.  As with everything with me, it's never decided until it is, and when it is, it is.  So then, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, ha ha.  Seriously, though, it has been a wonderful year, and I expect next year to be even better, where it counts. You know?