What's been going on...

I haven't really been keeping up with the "journal-ish" style that I intended, so here's some catch up stuff. Trent is studying for a license to do something that will make more money. Same job, just a tiny upgrade. I have been working on various parts of the game and getting used to juggling keeping Taylor on the learning thing and keeping the babies busy and entertained. And, as if that's not enough, I've been fitting in cooking all the usual healthy dishes again and keeping the house "as clean as it need be". For the most consuming thing that is "going on" around our house check out the Lost in the Land of Know blog. That game is really developing and we are thoroughly enjoying it. Today Taylor said, "Mom, your game is a revolutionary way to learn." I think he is kissing up, but I'll take it.

Just a few pics lying around...

Here it is; proof that, despite all warnings by the experts, I do in fact allow my little ones to watch the boob tube occasionally. Don't they look so cute and innocent. That's why I let them watch, it keeps them from swinging from the chandeliers and eating soap or dog food. No, seriously. It happened like this: I was flipping through a crafts book while the kids ate breakfast. I thought, 'we have all those things'. I grabbed the supplies and asked Trevor what he wanted to draw on the shirt. After some random scribbling, he always wants to trace his hand, so we did. Then he wanted me to write his name. Then, Taylor saw and wanted to add his hand but, wanted to make it in the shape of a dragon. Then he decided to add to that idea. Then, Trevor wanted my hand. Then I thought might as well do everyone. (Jewel's thumb is approximate, she was not holding still anymore.) Then, I added a butterfly and Trent added a peace sign. And after Trent helped me fill it all in better, we have a "family shirt". And, from election day... This is Trent's Nana and she shares her name with our daughter. She was so proud to be campaigning for Obama. It's not her first campaign but, I drove an hour to take pictures for her, at her request. She is an amazing woman and everyone I know agrees.

I said what?!

Funny, sometimes, the way the truth just pours out of my mouth when I'm not looking. Also, I wouldn't be posting this, except no one ever reads this blog. This was my response to a forum thread somewhere.

I was too young when I had my oldest, and too stupid to think it mattered when I had my second son. I was still reeling from the loss when we decided to have the next and the last one just snuck in there (way too soon). Basically, I feel like, not only do I not know enough, but that the test was yesterday. Maybe I'm not failing, but I doubt I am getting an A. That being said, they are not the worst or most harmful things that I have stumbled into in my life, and I don't regret having them. But, I will admit that I wasn't "ready" for being a parent and if I weren't so distracted by trying to figure it out, I would be lost in physics land. Politics would be the last thing I hoped to figure out. I would ignore it completely if it didn't continue to affect me and my children in harmful ways.

a tidbit about "nerds"...

Eureeka!! For years I've known something about me was horribly different than it once was. Today, I realized what that something is. Many times before I thought I had figured it out. I thought it had something to do with self-image or caring about other's opinions, but it goes beyond that. It has to do with what I allowed myself to enjoy. Before Ethan died, I just enjoyed whatever I wanted to and didn't ever wonder if it was "normal" or not. My little saying "some call me a nerd, I just call it lucky" came about because of a conversation with my husband where I realized that many people that I know don't enjoy things that just tickle me to death. It is hard to describe, but it just seemed that others wouldn't enjoy anything unless it was popular or acceptable or "normal", lest they appear nerdy. I never minded that it wasn't normal to enjoy physics textbooks, I just did it anyway. I never minded that it wasn't acceptable to wear watches from your favorite cartoons (and cereal boxes) I just thought they were so funny. Lately, I have only allowed myself to research things that have (no matter how small) some relevance to society or our health or can in some way be justified as "adult" and "useful". And, cartoon watches, before today, it's been 4 years at least. When I was 22, it never occurred to me that as I walked through the grocery store in mismatched clothes, Dexter's lab watch, and old Birkies that most people thought I was mentally handicapped or at the least a stoner (whether I was or not is irrelevant ;) ); I was comfy and happy in my own silly way. So the phrase came about because I thought that I was lucky to be able to enjoy so many things. I didn't have to work very hard to stay happy, I just had to find a great comic book or get some free textbooks from the schoolboard's annual giveaway. However, after Ethan died, and mostly because you really doubt everything about yourself when your child dies, I lost the ability (still don't know why) to tune out the rest of the world's "normal" view. I started to care that people thought I didn't dress "right", and that my watch was childish. I guess maybe I thought that they would say that if I had behaved more "maturely" my son would have lived. That's obviously not true, but, well it's a possible reason for the change. At any rate, it happened. I lost a touch of the "nerd" I loved so much. When I was single in my studio in Tampa, I had a fabulous job at a mortgage company. Tons of responsibility and also a great paycheck. One of my bosses fondly called me "Yoda" (not the worst coworker nickname I've had) because of the mouse pad and calendar I had on my desk. If only he could have seen all the Star Wars posters that decorated the studio I shared only with my son. (He was one.) Or, what if he had known that I spent my lunch listening to the original Star Wars radio drama that I still have on cd. I still have the podracer T-shirt that I let Taylor wear all the time because it was just so cute. Now, despite the speed with which I moved up through positions in that office, I still had self-esteem issues. But, I never realized to what extent. Now, looking back, it is easy to see how close I was to self doubt and why a death like that would push me over the edge. But anyway... So what brought all this to light for me. I went to the dentist today to have a wisdom tooth pulled. As I was being prepared for the extraction the nurse and I were chatting. I mentioned that I homeschool and that my son is very advanced in mathematics. I said that he is almost ready for highschool math (I was just simplifying it for the sake of quick conversation). I guess it was the watch or the wardrobe or just her own assumptions, but she said "So, really he is schooling you then." I get what she meant, a lot of adults at 30 may not remember complicated math and most didn't take Calculus in high school, I suppose. But, I could only say, "Not yet, but I do have to review a little from time to time." What I was thinking was, "are you kidding me, I am thoroughly enjoying it and until that little smarty pants hits college math and science, I'll be fine." I am prone to taking offense to things and so I have learned to rein in my emotions and didn't get offended. But I was amused that she assumed that I was the kind of person who would be challenged by high school math at the age of 30. I wasn't challenged by highschool math when I finished it in 10th grade. And, had I exposed my brain to less hallucinogens in high school, college math would have probably been less challenging then, too. History, I haven't a clue, but math and science I thoroughly love. So, back to the point, perhaps if I had been dressed like I worked at a mortgage company or maybe if my hair and makeup (no, i didn't wear any) had been "fixed", she would have come to a different conclusion about me. My point is I used to just enjoy what I enjoyed and never thought about the "image" I gave off. And, while it is coming back to me, that is what I lost. That nerd deep inside that didn't have to work so hard to find a reason to smile. When I first hung a sign on my computer that said the phrase "some people call me a nerd, I just call it lucky", I was the office manager at a construction company. I put the sign there because my boss was constantly amused by my ability to enjoy silliness. I also had a sign on my office door that said Total Perspective Vortex and a poster that was a map of the milky way galaxy (with a little "you are here" on it). He thought I was so nerdy and reminded me daily. I don't know what he hoped to accomplish, but I did become acutely aware that regardless of whether I could see it, others could. And, while I thought it was wonderful, others did not. Now, I miss it, and as I don't have a boss, it won't matter if I bring the nerd back. And, being a nerd did not make me a bad mom. Quite the contrary. PS- woohoo, this month's Discover just arrived!! Fresh meat, so to speak!

the annual birthday letter to Ethan....

It's been six years! I can't believe it, it feels ... sometimes like fewer, sometimes like more. I can't think about your birthday without remembering your last day. We never really celebrated a birthday with you. The day you were born changed our lives forever, and the day you died changed us again. I paced the hospital halls the whole night after they took you to the other hospital, and I am sure I was insane by the next day when I was finally allowed to go to you. Even my first sight of you was marred with confusion and worry; I immediately asked, "Why isn't he crying?". I hadn't noticed your hands yet. Even the doctor was confused, and apparently everyone stayed that way. It is astounding to me that from the first second I saw you, I knew something was wrong; but up until that moment, I had nothing but wonderful hopes and dreams for you. I still remember your dad that day; he was so brave and ready. All day, in labor, we were just so happy. You were so wanted and so loved. The 3 months and 23 days that you were with us was like an episode of "Mystery Diagnosis", except there is no last minute diagnosis. I recently saw an episode of that show about a couple and their twin infants; I cried all night. I used to watch shows like that obsessively after you died, even though I knew if I solved the mystery it would only make me more sad. Everything that I learn now, makes me feel more convinced that I wasn't "ready" for you. I didn't know enough. Maybe I could have done something different. It is hard not to think that way. I remember spending hours massaging your legs and high arched feet. And I can still position my fingers exactly like yours were. I still cry on days when I've told someone your story, but now I can keep it in until I get home. I do sometimes still cry in the car though. Especially when that song comes on. The first year that your birthday came and went without celebration broke us again. It was like a banner in our faces showing us all that would not be. Each year it comes and goes and we try to keep it together. But, really, it is a big, huge loss. There is no filling the hole, making it better, silver lining on the cloud. There is no reason for everything. Just a big, sad, empty hole. And a beautiful, blue eyed boy gone forever. We never get to find out what you would do or who you would become. It is just sad. Happy Birthday Baby Ethan, we love you and miss you!

Boring...

As I sit here with nothing to blog about and no pictures to post, well, I might find a few later, I think, why didn't I have a blog when I was doing stuff. Oh, besides not owning a computer, I was doing stuff. When I got this computer, I only worked on it. All the time. I just think that my blog about the Navy, the mortgage industry, the crazy parties, wow, it would have been so much easier to find material for this blog back then. And, I am totally off my game with the camera lately. Not only does it act retarded sometimes, but I never pick it up anymore. There have been some backyard moments, but not like the old place. And the bird watching has been fun, but not really camera worthy. There is no big tree and rope for fun, and well.... I miss the patchwork house! We do most of the same things, but I guess I just haven't found any inspiration for pictures lately. Hmmm, I'll work on it. PS- Taylor really got into watching the election results come in last night. The numbers and stats thrilled him, and he (in his knows very little political brain) was rooting for Obama, so that made it much more interesting. I am happy with the results; at least McPalin didn't win.

Day 12

We took a little detour today. Our transporter has informed us that we will occasionally have to spend time "volunteering" in the filing offices of various locations. So, we spent the day helping the Shinken filer organize and file various bits of knowledge that have been turned in. (This is really just a way to dedicate a day to researching slips of knowledge. We organized them into groups of topics to aid in webreport formulation and allow time to research the ones we didn't know enough about.) We made sure that pictures and notes were filed at the correct points on the timeline and helped him determine what slips were to be filed under various topics. (This was just an excuse to hang pictures and add dates to the timeline on the wall. Most of our entries are made to the lapbook timelines and don't get added to the wall timeline because it requires a ladder.) It really wasn't so bad, and the filer definitely needed help. Taylor has about 50 slips right now on various topics and subjects. He used the slip 'radio astronomy' to inspire a little report on Karl Jansky. We used the report to underline sentence 'clauses' and to illustrate a 'simple predicate', which cashed in two more slips of knowledge. To study our spanish, Taylor created a lapbook style minibook from the lists of spanish words and terms in one of our spanish language lesson websites. We read all about cells in KidsDiscover magazine and built the "cell mobile" from the Scholastic book.


Taylor wrote a page of notes about cells, drawing and labeling an animal cell, from a website listed in the Usborne Human Body book and we continued on the TTW program. Once again the websites from the books lasted for a day and a half and were very fun. We made a timeline and vocabulary book from the Ancient China lapbook from HOAC also. Then, using a study guide from Sparknotes.com, we created a minibook that outlined a more in depth study of the cell wall and how it functions. We will add a few more pages of notes to this book on Day 13, making it worth the points of two minibooks. We also devoloped an additional set of vocabulary words from that study. We are putting all of the timeline and vocabulary books together in a section in the back of the scrapbook. Not satisfied with the available topics (and distracted by "interests" :)) Taylor created his own minibook about various fabrics, both natural and man-made. The best part about this was that, completely by accident, in the course of our search for information, we stumbled upon a connection between silk and genes. It was a video about goats injected as eggs with spider genes, allowing them to produce spider's silk protein in their milk. He then insisted that we make special "self-invented" minibooks worth more than those provided as part of the topics we are covering. After looking at the options, we almost completely rewrote the character points system. We also decided that because he will be able to include the minibook that he created on the webreport by the connection I described, there are bonus points involved. While any future scholars playing this game will have the option of using the system we finalized today, some of the learning and fun of this game comes from customizing it to suit your family's style of learning and activities you consider "educational". (All of the instructions for customizing, planning, and developing the game are included. It is written much like a "fill in the blanks" that makes getting started simple and quick.) After we read a little from the Tao of Pooh and our other resources, Taylor used his Knollars to buy uninterrupted game time. So when that was over, he created his webreport and purchased a handful of help on it. The totals for points and knollars earned on this day are 38K, 66 knows, 6 dexterity, 1 charisma, 3 bravery, and 7 strength points. The video at the bottom of the post is a clip of cacophony from a music lesson, it is also how Taylor earned one charisma point. (For your game, this can be called something different and rewarded for whatever activity you see fit.) As you can see this is very different from the point system we started with. Taylor also created a system of adding certain points together to create a summary, and together we designed a system of equations that allow his points to affect battles and allows enemies to have points that also affect the battle spaces. (This is explained in the instructions.) The result is that he has an Intellect number of 1, his agility is 13/200, confidence is 4/100, and his knowledge is level 1 (heading toward level 2). All of this has inspired me to spring a surprise enemy on him, probably in the next few "days". It's all so exciting.