:) that is all.

the strangest things bring me into the pain and sadness. only the knowledge turns me back on my way.


"The heart breaks and breaks and lives by breaking. It is necessary to go through dark and deeper dark and not to turn. ---from "The Testing Tree" by Stanley Kunitz


the strangest thing has happened. i am grateful for the things that this has added to my being. i don't mean that i am "over it" i think, just that i can kind of start to see the "bright side" if there is such a thing. i am surprised that i am so quickly able to do that. it seems strange to seemingly over night let go of feelings that i fought to hold onto for so long. but i like it. i am confident that my choices are leading me in the direction i have been trying to go and that if i keep following myself, i will get where i wanted to be all along. confident. that must be the change. i am confident in what i know, what i want, how i plan to get there, what i will and won't do, and where these choices will take me. feels good. now, to wait on a hurricane. i'm tying myself to the mast. arrrr!

I am ashamed to say that there is a thick wall between me and the outside world. It is permeable only to four kids and there is a window for my loved ones (all of them), but it will take a lot of chipping before I will be able to really interact with anyone else in more than a formal way. Hiding behind the internet mostly, that's me. Too disappointed to feel anything else. I am weird, I think.

LOL

crazy...

how much craziness can go on at one time. the rnc is in town and the hurricane is coming and my first day of classes and the first day of his first week with the kids all happen on monday. crazy! i think that most of that will be postponed, haha except the hurricane. just crazy this timing. what an insane day yesterday was and now i get a day or two off before a hurricane arrives. at least i have a fantastic view out through the windows and i decided what to name this place. the pirate ship! very fitting and we all went to see the play how i became a pirate a few months ago. well, time to batten down the hatches! oh geez, i know.

not that i plan on being married (ever again) but, this quote just happened to be at the bottom of my blog this morning and I like it. I still feel married and I still loved my marriage, mostly. I just had to share this.

From the Joseph Campbell quote generator at the bottom of the page.

Successful marriage
is leading innovative lives together,
being open, non-programmed.
It’s a free fall: how you handle
each new thing as it comes along.

deep breath

ok, after a week of nearly constant contemplation on all the nooks and crannies of all this pain and change i think that i am almost ready to do this. i think that i know what to tell myself whenever doubts creep in. i think i know how to remember myself when i start worrying about everyone else. i think i know what to do when i start to cry at a time when i shouldn't and i think i know how to fill my days with distractions that will make me feel better, not worse. so, i think i can do this. i really wish i could completely list all the things that run through my head, memories and events and words that i've heard, that distract me from the goals i always tried to keep in my sights. however, like the many other times in my life when i succeeded at something, i will do my best to remember what i could have changed and what i couldn't and remember my efforts. i will try to best the times when i let myself down and i will try to live up to the times when i gave it my all. when i look at things this way i feel proud of the number i times that i could have done something and i did, and i am proud of the number of times i couldn't have done anything but i tried very hard anyway. and i suppose that is going to have to give me the confidence to follow myself again now. i still have so much and can not afford to give up, as has always been my situation. here's to a new semester.

This...

Our lives are too short for this crap.

the things i contemplate now, as i watch the moths move from one tiny flower to the next involve the search for the truth and the belief that i shouldn't have had to search. you know, the tiny weed flowers, with the purple cap encircled by little white flowers. anyway, i really hoped i would be given that respect and that there was hope for the life i loved to come back one day. i will just keep doing what i was, making the life i currently have as pleasant as possible, doing things i enjoy at least a little each day, and working toward the future i was always working toward.