LOL

crazy...

how much craziness can go on at one time. the rnc is in town and the hurricane is coming and my first day of classes and the first day of his first week with the kids all happen on monday. crazy! i think that most of that will be postponed, haha except the hurricane. just crazy this timing. what an insane day yesterday was and now i get a day or two off before a hurricane arrives. at least i have a fantastic view out through the windows and i decided what to name this place. the pirate ship! very fitting and we all went to see the play how i became a pirate a few months ago. well, time to batten down the hatches! oh geez, i know.

not that i plan on being married (ever again) but, this quote just happened to be at the bottom of my blog this morning and I like it. I still feel married and I still loved my marriage, mostly. I just had to share this.

From the Joseph Campbell quote generator at the bottom of the page.

Successful marriage
is leading innovative lives together,
being open, non-programmed.
It’s a free fall: how you handle
each new thing as it comes along.

deep breath

ok, after a week of nearly constant contemplation on all the nooks and crannies of all this pain and change i think that i am almost ready to do this. i think that i know what to tell myself whenever doubts creep in. i think i know how to remember myself when i start worrying about everyone else. i think i know what to do when i start to cry at a time when i shouldn't and i think i know how to fill my days with distractions that will make me feel better, not worse. so, i think i can do this. i really wish i could completely list all the things that run through my head, memories and events and words that i've heard, that distract me from the goals i always tried to keep in my sights. however, like the many other times in my life when i succeeded at something, i will do my best to remember what i could have changed and what i couldn't and remember my efforts. i will try to best the times when i let myself down and i will try to live up to the times when i gave it my all. when i look at things this way i feel proud of the number i times that i could have done something and i did, and i am proud of the number of times i couldn't have done anything but i tried very hard anyway. and i suppose that is going to have to give me the confidence to follow myself again now. i still have so much and can not afford to give up, as has always been my situation. here's to a new semester.

This...

Our lives are too short for this crap.

the things i contemplate now, as i watch the moths move from one tiny flower to the next involve the search for the truth and the belief that i shouldn't have had to search. you know, the tiny weed flowers, with the purple cap encircled by little white flowers. anyway, i really hoped i would be given that respect and that there was hope for the life i loved to come back one day. i will just keep doing what i was, making the life i currently have as pleasant as possible, doing things i enjoy at least a little each day, and working toward the future i was always working toward.

it is so frustrating when you are sad because you are hurt and the only thing anyone has to say is, "don't be sad." i didn't hurt myself, and so i can't stop the hurt, and i get sad when things hurt. i suppose i could get mad, but that is not what i feel. i feel sad. ok, maybe a little angry, but that feels like it will make the problems worse. and at the exact moment that i stop being sad and start moving on, i realize what that means and it makes me sad. i was happy, someone made me sad with their choices. i would love to ignore it, but it kind of affects my life in a big way. i hate this. again.

making the best of it...

yeah, about that. i'll be glad when the kids are home again and when my school starts, because the effort and payoff will be physical and distracting then. the more i think the more clearly i see some things and the more grey i can make others. i really tried so hard to save what i thought was a life that could have been so much more happy than it was allowed to be. it makes me sad for all of us. and hurt and a little angry. but, i am still trying to make everyday pleasant and at the least, do something i love a little while everyday. when the semester starts and we are all actively pursuing the future for most of the hours of the day again, filling the small extra portions of the days with pleasure should be easy. wow, i am feeling better now. glad i decided to "talk" it out.

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