it is so frustrating when you are sad because you are hurt and the only thing anyone has to say is, "don't be sad." i didn't hurt myself, and so i can't stop the hurt, and i get sad when things hurt. i suppose i could get mad, but that is not what i feel. i feel sad. ok, maybe a little angry, but that feels like it will make the problems worse. and at the exact moment that i stop being sad and start moving on, i realize what that means and it makes me sad. i was happy, someone made me sad with their choices. i would love to ignore it, but it kind of affects my life in a big way. i hate this. again.

making the best of it...

yeah, about that. i'll be glad when the kids are home again and when my school starts, because the effort and payoff will be physical and distracting then. the more i think the more clearly i see some things and the more grey i can make others. i really tried so hard to save what i thought was a life that could have been so much more happy than it was allowed to be. it makes me sad for all of us. and hurt and a little angry. but, i am still trying to make everyday pleasant and at the least, do something i love a little while everyday. when the semester starts and we are all actively pursuing the future for most of the hours of the day again, filling the small extra portions of the days with pleasure should be easy. wow, i am feeling better now. glad i decided to "talk" it out.

a few videos

some beautiful pictures from this summer,

just something to remind me of all that i still have and all that i still have to do. :)

here's to making the best of it...

i remember many times resolving to make the most of every day.  it seems to be a recurring goal of mine.  it is actually one of the many reasons for which i started this blog.  i really hope no one reads it at this point, as it is so far from where i planned to take it.  i wanted to showcase the fun things we did as a family, the creativity, love, and passion that we put into raising and teaching our kids.  i wanted it to remind us of all that we have.  wait, i am getting off the point and i've said all that before.  that only makes me feel worse.  i was going to say that i am on a surge of appreciation for what i still have and grateful that i didn't lose more from this mess.  i want to note that i will pull out my list of "fun things to do" that i turn to whenever i need to fill a few hours whenever i start to regret my situation.  and yes, i will blog about it.  well, we'll see.  the semester begins in a few weeks.  i took an entire week off to play with the kids and begin the list.  so far so good, but i am going to crack open some math and physics tonight, mainly for the pleasure.  see, i am trying to squeeze pleasure out of every day.  trying is at least something.

stifle it

One must not be an accomplice to this flight from freedom.  --Simone de Beauvoir

what difference does it make?

sometimes the details overwhelm the story, and sometimes there is too much complexity to fully realize it with communication of any kind.  however, effort to discover will always finish farther ahead than waiting for it to reveal itself.  patience, i believe, is the solution, but i have so little of that left.  honestly.  no, really, honestly.  some words for thought: record, future, choosing, courage, confidence, betrayal.  until the future.

Wow!  Some people will hurt anyone to avoid receiving the reputation that they deserve.  That is just one more jab. I am backing away, you can stop jabbing.

I just finished the last final for this semester.  I need a 75% for an A in the class.  I don't know.  But, now I can start studying for next semester, and with things decided (that were up in the air for so so long) I can really start to prepare for it.  No distractions, that is at least one thing to look forward to, in a situation that I am disappointed to be in.  Here's to three weeks "off".

once again

i didn't choose this and i fought harder than i should have to avoid this outcome.  i appreciated and loved, but in the end, i have to let go or lose myself.  there is proof for those who seek it but i am too tired to look anymore.  i am going to hide until i have recovered.