i knew better...

Well, it seems that I totally and utterly wrecked that not jinxing plan.  This morning went well, until I was about to leave with the last child, Jewel, to go to her school and then my own.  The phone rang and it was the pediatrician telling me that the horrifying (to her) blood drawing had to be repeated.  After rushing to the lab, sitting for two hours to talk to the doctor about why, having the screaming, crying, begging blood letting repeat, and still not knowing what is wrong, I had to miss the hardest topic (Lorentz transformations) being covered in modern physics.  Now I am trying to teach myself without worrying about the lab results that should be available tomorrow, (the doc said she would call me right away).  However, I did remember that I haven't posted pics of my huge pumpkin plants and I haven't mentioned that Trevor can read, really read.  He read Hop on Pop by himself just last night!  Where does the time go?  Seriously, though, I don't have time, I need to memorize some convergence tests, finish lab homework, and teach myself relativity.  Geez!

week one and onward...

So we survived the first week back at school and it feels managable.  We did have to find an afterschool program for Trev.  I will have quite a few extra hours of campus time each day than I expected and that is an adjustment.  Overall the semester should go well though, I feel confident that I can handle the classes, although they will require a huge amount of work.  The kids all seem happy with school and are making things easy, minus the doctor visits for infection and the potty problem return that is.  Last week was insane and busy and things just keep popping up, but I believe it has all settled down.  I hate to say I hope, that will only jinx things.  (haha) I wish I believed in jinxes, because I could convince myself that there was a way to avoid the surprises.  I don't like surprises and sudden plan changes.  I suppose though that I have been forced to get used to them, so anyway, here's to a jinx free week.  I almost have the house clean and will be working to organize things around the new routine this week.  I am going to be studying a bit more than I have in previous semesters mostly because this is the first time that some of the material is completely new to me.  Well, at least I haven't had it in a class before, most of it I have at least read about in some way.  The math class has a fair amount of material that is review, but that requires practice and this is the first time I will not have formula sheets for anything.  I love my modern physics class because the topics covered are all the reasons that I became so interested in physics in the first place.  The lab will be fun but difficult, cool experiments to recreate, but a lot of writing.  Trent has started laying plastic on the farm and building the beds (under the plastic, duh)  so, the season really has begun for him.  They started Friday, and are working in the drizzle today.  I was thinking today, while mowing the yard, about our routine before I went to school and how much I loved it.  I love working toward my degree, and school, but I do miss the time we used to have together.  Especially now that our love is back and our relationship feels the way it did 6 years ago, before any hurt.  We have trust again, and we can both see the love again that we feel for each other.  It makes me so happy just to think about it being real, because I wanted it to be this way again for so long.  I don't want to say it feels too good to be true, because it is true and I can prove it, but it feels like a dream at the very least.  I am not saying that we aren't still on the look out for any trouble that could disturb our little haven, but we are both working toward the same things now and our combined efforts are wonderfully successful.  We make a great team, haha. So, although this isn't the relaxed life we once enjoyed we are doing all the things we want to be doing... Loving life, working hard, and looking forward, just the way we like it. 

i really don't like letting certain people into my life, i might just go private...

Summertime

Well, it seems that our super summer is over.  It has been amazing!  Trent and I really have found our love again, thank goodness, and we spent the summer testing that love and talking out all of the hurt from our time apart and working out all the things that led up to the split.  We are now at a wonderful place in our relationship and just to speak for myself, I am so relieved that we were able to get back together and it really be right.  I never wanted to divorce and I refused to have a horrible marriage.  So, here we are, ready to start blogging and posting videos again, and get life back to normal.  I took an easy summer schedule with mostly online courses and decided not to spend time working on the blog to make time for the summer activities.  Disney World was wonderful and we went to a few other fun little places.  We built the garden in the backyard again, and it is even better than ever before.  We have planned out some projects for the house for this year and those should be fun.  The kids are awesome.  Trevor is building these amazingly detailed lego creations and Jewel is learning so many things so quickly that it is hard to keep up.  She is growing up too fast and loves choosing her own clothes now.  Taylor is on the phone with friends and doing all the teen things that are so fun.  When I took him to his school to get his schedule several of his teachers from last year stopped us to compliment him which, of course, made me proud.   I am finally starting some of the classes that I have been looking forward to and my schedule is physics focused now, so I am loving that.  Trent is driving bigger equipment on the farm and learning some new responsibilities, something he has been hoping for.  So, all is great and we are looking forward to the future...

We are both now getting from each other the things we left each other to find.  We both thought we were asking for those things, but neither of us heard the requests correctly.  We had to relearn who we were, what we wanted, and how to communicate to the new person we were living with after Ethan died.  Life changed for me completely, my view of what mattered changed.  The change itself took time also, it took time to recognize what was happening, time to decide where to follow the changes, time to explain to each other who we were becoming.  All of the waiting, time, and changes added so much stress to an already tense situation.  Adding to the struggle was the fact that we were not really evaluating our decision to be "together"or any other decisions for that matter before the tragedy.  The shock of both of us suddenly evaluating our lives and questioning every single little thing we were doing, questioning things that we had previously both agreed about and things we just did because that is how we had always been was a wedge between us that we didn't see until it was in very tight.

In about a month and a half, everyone in this house will be in for a severe shock.   We will all have to give up the sleeping in and reduced stress and extra fun that has been this summer and jump back into first year of big kid school for Trev, the big girl class at the daycare for Jellybean, another year of middle school for Taylor, and four upper level physics classes (at one time) for me.  Seriously, that can't be right.  Dad will be returning to the normal work schedule too.  I hope we are ready when it gets here.  So far this summer we have gone to Disney, MOSI twice, and gotten the new pool.  I finished one class and have three left (online) to finish up.  I have been a little stir crazy staying home so much, which is hilarious because I used to love to stay home all the time.  I am glad that we decided to take the summer to focus on our relationship because we definitely had some things to adjust and handle.  It has been great to spend so much time with the kids again too, obviously.  I am starting to notice all the little things I used to love to watch them do.  Particularly learning.  They do it so readily and it is fun to see them test their knowledge.  It also makes for a messy house, so it is especially good that I have time to clean right now. :)  I suppose that is it.  Here's to a happy rest of the summer.

random running thoughts...

Today, while I was running, I remembered the posts I used to write that were updates about the kids.  Trevor brought this to mind with his funny little ways.  Trent decided to straighten up the toys in his room the day before yesterday, while Tevor was at school.  He put all the blocks, cars, and stuffed animals in the toy box.  Trevor was home for about 30 minutes before he went into his room, and he immediately exclaimed, "Mom, someone totally messed up my room.  They destroyed it, they put all the toys together in the box, not where they go!"  I explained that I would reorganize the toys back to their correct places and he let it go.  Then, this morning, the first thing out of his mouth when he woke up was, "I told you someone messed up my room!"  hahaha What a mess. 

mother's day....

Mother's Day is never really about Mother's Day to me.  This is the day that Trent showed up at my door with flowers and a card (probably purchased last minute on the way to my house) and asked me out on a real "date" for the first time.  It is the day he first let me know how he was thinking of me, and it was the day I started to wonder what we were becoming.  It has been 10 years now, and no we are not going to start the counting over just because we took a break from each other.  We really spent an entire two years trying not to have a relationship anymore, and occasionally we succeeded quite well.  But, mostly we just succeeded at hurting each other and trying to "get even".  Pretty stupid. That is what makes this year so awesome.  It is better than all the years before because we know what we are choosing, and we want it.  Also, we are no longer doing that things that brought us to the place we were 2 years ago, the place where we decided to go separate ways.  Things are wonderful right now, not  because everything is perfect, but because once again we are working together and loving it.  We are partners again, and because we both feel like we are getting what we need and want from the relationship again, not like we are being abandoned by it.  Loving each other and loving the kids and working toward our dreams again...I know you've heard me say that those are the only things I care about in life, and I have my hero at my side again!  Happy Mother's Day to me! 

If you are patient, people can surprise you... Too tired to blog now; I have finals all over the place, up at 4 again tomorrow... :)

Looking around and smiling at what we see...

Wow!  Life is twisty and turny, and for that, I am grateful.  We have all found our separate ways to a beautiful place together.  This is the place we were trying to find all along, but we would have never predicted the paths that led us here.  Ha ha, takes me back to the original title of the blog "Here we Are- There we go"  We had just begun efforts to loose weight and wrap our heads around having two little ones and two big kids, started a garden and started homeschooling.  What an adventure I expected.  I still miss that house and yard.  But, I do love our house (especially now that I am back in it).  We have made some serious decisions about some things, and I expect this to alleviate the bad that disrupted our lives for the last three or four years.  That is all I really have to say about it, if you want details, you have to ask.  hee hee  I am ,of course, thrilled with all of this, but as usual I am guarded (no one wants to be a fool).  I just keep thinking, how do I get so lucky, how did I manage to get to the place I wanted to be.  I know I was really working hard, but I never really believed it would happen.  At some point, I just assumed it was "too late".  I thought, "there is no coming back from this", and everyone seemed to agree.  But, I really really really didn't want to accept that.  The consequences of that seem too much like torture, just too much unpleasant and not enough reward.  And, luckily, we seemed to finally agree about that.  The cost of staying together, is apparently not enough to make the torture worth it.  We have found our voices again, we are talking and listening again, really listening. In all the chaos, we found ourselves, our original selves, huddled in the middle, together.  At least, that seems the best way to summarize at the moment.  haha  So, here we are, again...