Summertime

Well, it seems that our super summer is over.  It has been amazing!  Trent and I really have found our love again, thank goodness, and we spent the summer testing that love and talking out all of the hurt from our time apart and working out all the things that led up to the split.  We are now at a wonderful place in our relationship and just to speak for myself, I am so relieved that we were able to get back together and it really be right.  I never wanted to divorce and I refused to have a horrible marriage.  So, here we are, ready to start blogging and posting videos again, and get life back to normal.  I took an easy summer schedule with mostly online courses and decided not to spend time working on the blog to make time for the summer activities.  Disney World was wonderful and we went to a few other fun little places.  We built the garden in the backyard again, and it is even better than ever before.  We have planned out some projects for the house for this year and those should be fun.  The kids are awesome.  Trevor is building these amazingly detailed lego creations and Jewel is learning so many things so quickly that it is hard to keep up.  She is growing up too fast and loves choosing her own clothes now.  Taylor is on the phone with friends and doing all the teen things that are so fun.  When I took him to his school to get his schedule several of his teachers from last year stopped us to compliment him which, of course, made me proud.   I am finally starting some of the classes that I have been looking forward to and my schedule is physics focused now, so I am loving that.  Trent is driving bigger equipment on the farm and learning some new responsibilities, something he has been hoping for.  So, all is great and we are looking forward to the future...

We are both now getting from each other the things we left each other to find.  We both thought we were asking for those things, but neither of us heard the requests correctly.  We had to relearn who we were, what we wanted, and how to communicate to the new person we were living with after Ethan died.  Life changed for me completely, my view of what mattered changed.  The change itself took time also, it took time to recognize what was happening, time to decide where to follow the changes, time to explain to each other who we were becoming.  All of the waiting, time, and changes added so much stress to an already tense situation.  Adding to the struggle was the fact that we were not really evaluating our decision to be "together"or any other decisions for that matter before the tragedy.  The shock of both of us suddenly evaluating our lives and questioning every single little thing we were doing, questioning things that we had previously both agreed about and things we just did because that is how we had always been was a wedge between us that we didn't see until it was in very tight.

In about a month and a half, everyone in this house will be in for a severe shock.   We will all have to give up the sleeping in and reduced stress and extra fun that has been this summer and jump back into first year of big kid school for Trev, the big girl class at the daycare for Jellybean, another year of middle school for Taylor, and four upper level physics classes (at one time) for me.  Seriously, that can't be right.  Dad will be returning to the normal work schedule too.  I hope we are ready when it gets here.  So far this summer we have gone to Disney, MOSI twice, and gotten the new pool.  I finished one class and have three left (online) to finish up.  I have been a little stir crazy staying home so much, which is hilarious because I used to love to stay home all the time.  I am glad that we decided to take the summer to focus on our relationship because we definitely had some things to adjust and handle.  It has been great to spend so much time with the kids again too, obviously.  I am starting to notice all the little things I used to love to watch them do.  Particularly learning.  They do it so readily and it is fun to see them test their knowledge.  It also makes for a messy house, so it is especially good that I have time to clean right now. :)  I suppose that is it.  Here's to a happy rest of the summer.

random running thoughts...

Today, while I was running, I remembered the posts I used to write that were updates about the kids.  Trevor brought this to mind with his funny little ways.  Trent decided to straighten up the toys in his room the day before yesterday, while Tevor was at school.  He put all the blocks, cars, and stuffed animals in the toy box.  Trevor was home for about 30 minutes before he went into his room, and he immediately exclaimed, "Mom, someone totally messed up my room.  They destroyed it, they put all the toys together in the box, not where they go!"  I explained that I would reorganize the toys back to their correct places and he let it go.  Then, this morning, the first thing out of his mouth when he woke up was, "I told you someone messed up my room!"  hahaha What a mess. 

mother's day....

Mother's Day is never really about Mother's Day to me.  This is the day that Trent showed up at my door with flowers and a card (probably purchased last minute on the way to my house) and asked me out on a real "date" for the first time.  It is the day he first let me know how he was thinking of me, and it was the day I started to wonder what we were becoming.  It has been 10 years now, and no we are not going to start the counting over just because we took a break from each other.  We really spent an entire two years trying not to have a relationship anymore, and occasionally we succeeded quite well.  But, mostly we just succeeded at hurting each other and trying to "get even".  Pretty stupid. That is what makes this year so awesome.  It is better than all the years before because we know what we are choosing, and we want it.  Also, we are no longer doing that things that brought us to the place we were 2 years ago, the place where we decided to go separate ways.  Things are wonderful right now, not  because everything is perfect, but because once again we are working together and loving it.  We are partners again, and because we both feel like we are getting what we need and want from the relationship again, not like we are being abandoned by it.  Loving each other and loving the kids and working toward our dreams again...I know you've heard me say that those are the only things I care about in life, and I have my hero at my side again!  Happy Mother's Day to me! 

If you are patient, people can surprise you... Too tired to blog now; I have finals all over the place, up at 4 again tomorrow... :)

Looking around and smiling at what we see...

Wow!  Life is twisty and turny, and for that, I am grateful.  We have all found our separate ways to a beautiful place together.  This is the place we were trying to find all along, but we would have never predicted the paths that led us here.  Ha ha, takes me back to the original title of the blog "Here we Are- There we go"  We had just begun efforts to loose weight and wrap our heads around having two little ones and two big kids, started a garden and started homeschooling.  What an adventure I expected.  I still miss that house and yard.  But, I do love our house (especially now that I am back in it).  We have made some serious decisions about some things, and I expect this to alleviate the bad that disrupted our lives for the last three or four years.  That is all I really have to say about it, if you want details, you have to ask.  hee hee  I am ,of course, thrilled with all of this, but as usual I am guarded (no one wants to be a fool).  I just keep thinking, how do I get so lucky, how did I manage to get to the place I wanted to be.  I know I was really working hard, but I never really believed it would happen.  At some point, I just assumed it was "too late".  I thought, "there is no coming back from this", and everyone seemed to agree.  But, I really really really didn't want to accept that.  The consequences of that seem too much like torture, just too much unpleasant and not enough reward.  And, luckily, we seemed to finally agree about that.  The cost of staying together, is apparently not enough to make the torture worth it.  We have found our voices again, we are talking and listening again, really listening. In all the chaos, we found ourselves, our original selves, huddled in the middle, together.  At least, that seems the best way to summarize at the moment.  haha  So, here we are, again...

3/3/03

It is that day again.  Eight years...It doesn't seem like that is possible, but it must be so.  I don't know what I hope to be doing on this day next year, but I am satisfied with what I am doing today.  It is nothing spectacular, but it is something worthwhile.  In the end, my efforts will lead to a positive change in my life.  That is enough for today.  Something spectacular will crop up soon and often enough. 

where we are...

it has been a long time since i have thought about it much, because there has been so many other things that needed my thought.  however, today i caught myself enjoying a lot of little things.  the selection of music for my run made me smile, the fact that i had a great stand-up to watch, time to watch a documentary tonight, just lots of little things.  i am sure this has been happening for a few months now, but i hadn't noticed.  that is funny, because prior to the separation, we often discussed how difficult it was for us to just be happy about all the little things.  it was even harder to actively allow ourselves to seek out and make time for things that make up happy.  i am glad it is happening without conscious effort again, that is definitely a step in the right direction.  i still don't know what the future holds but enjoying each hour along the way as much as possible can't hurt (i hope, haha).   here's to progress and pleasure. 

i don't know what to say....things are good, getting better, and i am extremely....content.  it seems that trent is good too.  the kids are great, school is good, berries are growing, and the dog is good.  oh yeah, the sea monkeys are good, haha.  i can't really talk about much yet, but everyone is happy and getting happier. keep your fingers crossed.  i think this is going to be a year that ends in a great place, and for now we are just enjoying it the way we prefer to enjoy things, in the present.   here's to giving it our best effort!