tidbit about the game....

The guys lost again today, 17 to 7, but they had a fantastic rally back in the last innings. Two really stunning plays and a couple great runs. Taylor made it to third (balls again), but the inning ended. The babies left the game with Trent's mom and dad and sister, so I got a break. What did I do with the break? I mowed the yard! Whew, glad that's done, it's really hard to do with the babies home. No pics, but that's that.

just some stuff...

I thought I'd just post some of the pics from the ball game last night and whatever else was on the camera. We lost, 10 to 11 (strange coincidence) to the Orioles, but we did have some exciting and smart plays. Taylor didn't seem too upset, just a little disappointed that he didn't hit the ball on his only turn at bat. He did make a run, he made it on base because of balls. This morning, I had to laugh at Trevor. He found the little ab wheel device and asked what it was for (obviously, it hasn't been used much). I told him that it is to work out your stomach muscles. So, he sat down on the floor and rolled it on his stomach. He he he, I finally showed him the proper way to use it when he tried to roll it on his arms to "make his pipes bigger".

a tidbit on motherhood...

If motherhood is an art, mine is the kind that you would buy at the flea market for 3 dollars and use to cover the crayon marks on the wall behind the bed, in the spare room. I am making every effort to be an awesome mom. I try to consider many sides of every decision before deciding "how" to do something. I try to listen to advice from the "experts", I read articles on related sciences, and I watch and learn from other's experiences. Sometimes, however, what I really need is, a break. Yesterday, I took the kids to MOSI, a trying adventure on a good day. Eight minutes before the IMAX movie ended (as usual) the babies were done, so we went for a walk. By walk I mean that I followed them, as they wandered in two different directions through crowds of teens (a middle school was there). I'll admit that I was frazzled by the time the movie ended and Taylor could help me again. As we were driving home, Trent called to ask if I could bring his spare key to the farm. He'd locked his keys in his truck accidentally. I was 20 minutes from the house and his truck was running, not an emergency, but enough to make me feel rushed and add to the "frazzled" feeling. That's when I realized that it's lunch time and Trevor (realizing it, too) starts to cry about it. So, I was slightly irritated by the time I got home, located the key (that was not where it was supposed to be), and made it to farm. Luckily, Trent was calm (having not been where I was for the last few hours) and a few kisses and gentle words restored my usual jovial spirit. Then, I made it back home.... The laptop had crashed again, the power had flicked off and on resetting everything, and (no surprise) we were out of the lunch that Trevor thought he was going to have. Taylor has learned (after 11 years with me as a mother) to go along with disappointment, and Jewel doesn't care what she eats, as long as she eats. Trevor, however, is sure that, once you say, "We will eat Y, when we get home.", Y is all he can eat. So, after a fun little fight over the lunch I fixed, I sat down to fix our laptop. Five hours later, and 15 interruptions later, I was spent. I didn't even clean up the kitchen after I threw together "dinner" for everyone. Needless to say, I went to sleep without the much desired "Daddy and Mommy" time. That combined with the fact that I slept next to Princess Toss and Turn all night, would have made for a grumpy morning. But, Trent, in his infinite wisdom, moved Jellybean back to her own bed before getting ready for work. I woke like a Queen, and have managed to capture control of my mood once again. Here's to another day of trying to be a great mom but, just "not a bad mom" will do.

fun day.....

We finally got to go to the great, new park in our hometown today. We always drive over on Mondays for music lessons, and we've been watching them build it for months. Last week, the schools were closed, so the park was packed and we just drove right by. But, this week we allowed for an hour before the lessons, so Taylor could check out the park, too. It was amazing, I've never seen such an elaborate park. There are slides and tunnels through the ground, musical toys, all types of spinning things to sit on, and webby things to climb. To really top it off, my old soccer pal and her three children were there. And, because we went before lessons, I got to jog the lake after lessons. I am finally fit enough to make it around and load the van (with babies) before Taylor's lesson ends. I actually wasn't completely spent at the end of the run, which is a relief, that means I am getting back in shape. I've been running a little with Taylor, but, have yet to make it routine. I am finding that as the babies get bigger, I am able to get more and more "things" back to "normal". I know I would like to have more children one day, but I don't know if I will be able to convince myself to disrupt the routine all over again. Well, here are some pics from the park today!

a little more about what's up...

Morlynn stayed with us Friday night, and when my sister came over to pic her up she smuggled Jewel out. So, aside from not having to chase her around the ball park last night, I got a nice little break this morning from new messes being generated. Now, both the babies are heading to Trent's parents, which will allow me to take Taylor to the extra Sunday practice that one of his coaches provides for anyone who wants to go. Perfect timing! Also, I finally (because Trent had a short day at work) got to go to the college and talk to an advisor about my previous credits. I was relieved to learn that I don't have to retake those classes, and not just because it will save us a chunk of money. So, I am 15 credits closer to an associates degree. I have already chosen the first classes I will take, and am back to waiting mode. I'm really relieved that I don't have to take the more boring classes again, and I will soon be past the general ed classes. I have considered other fields that don't involve the harder math and science classes, but they are the classes I enjoy the most, and physics is the field that sparked a love of science for me. Also, I chose this path because I wanted to be able to work after getting my bachelor's, so I can help pay for further schooling. The only other field I have considered (and it is really a newer interest, the last 5 years) is anthropology, and you have to get a doctorate to even work in the field. Perhaps I can study it later, you never know. Anyway, that's what's up with school. Oh yes, Trevor, he is still so funny, he want's to choose his clothes and activities, and he says the funniest things. Even his defiance is funny. I told him that he was going to Big Daddy's and Mimi's and he said, "Mom, i think you mean Mimi's house, and a little bit Big Daddy's." He wanted to eat M&M's for breakfast and I said, "No", obviously. He said, "But I'm hungry." I said, "M&M's will not help you feel full." He said, "Well, let's just try and see." ha ha ha ha Anywho, here are some pics I took over the last two weeks. Some of them are "waking up" pics. One shows Jewel's pig tails after she slept on them all night. And, some show Trevor in his, I refuse to get out of bed pose. The others are from the season opener, where a Tampa Bay Rays player threw the opening pitch. Morlynn blew up balloons and brought them to the field for the babies to play with. But, some other kids ended up grabbing some and be the end of the event Trevor was left with one green balloon, because I refused to let the others steal it. Luckily, Taylor and Morlynn didn't get too upset, and understood that the other kids didn't know that we had brought the balloons, they thought they were part of the festivities. Although, Taylor did tell one kid, "That is my baby brother's balloon, and you need to give it back, please." It was cold, but fun and Taylor got to hear his name over the loudspeaker.

We're number one!!

The Diamondbacks won their first game last night!! The end of the game was quite a nail-biter, too. It was 11 to 10 with 2 balls, 2 strikes, and 2 outs. There was a runner on second and it was all up to Pete, one of the team's fantastic pitchers, and he managed to get the strike we needed! He got the game ball naturally. As for Taylor, he played his part as well as he could. He struck out his first at bat, but I was still proud, because he didn't swing when he shouldn't (an improvement from the first practice) and he wasn't disappointed (a feat for any 11 yo boy). Later, in the outfield (right field) he was there when the ball finally came his way, he caught the grounder and threw it in as if he's been playing for years. Later, he made it to first base from 3 balls and eventually scored a run. While he is still learning, he is doing so in his usual breakneck pace, and with some more batting practice will become even better at the game. I'm just glad that when the opportunity was there, he was ready and paying attention, and played his part. He was just glad he didn't let the team down. We've been allowing time for extra batting cage practice, and he improves each time. The next game is Thursday, so we'll see how much cage time I can squeeze in between now and then. This is Trent's busy time at work, and I can't pitch, so it's been tricky. I may just have to learn to pitch (ha ha). Here are some pics from the big game. (Why aren't there any great HD videos? Because, very typically, the Flip camera has failed and has to be mailed to CA to be repaired or replaced. Am I irritated, you bet, does that help, nope! I am used to hang ups like this, the more electronics you rely on, the more you learn to fix. Sometimes I feel like I work in an IT department, luckily in a previous job, I got lots of experience with that.) This blurry pic is the coach celebrating the run with Taylor!

explanation and profile update...

Why a werewolf, a vampire, and pirates? When we first started dating, we had a discussion about a silly question. Would you rather be a werewolf or a vampire? I said vampire, and he said werewolf. We debated this ferociously for a while, and finally agreed that we were just different. The longer we have been together, the more we have seen that these answers said more about us than we realized. Do you have faith in brute strength or subtle ability, do you control yourself or act from instinct, do you howl at the moon sometimes or is every night an opportunity for spontaneous adventures? We've also learned that these differences don't matter as much as the fact that we could have the conversation at all. Our poor children are pirates because the pillage fun wherever they find it, and are raised by goons like us! Just me, talking to myself, about us. my little excursion into blogging. a work in progress.

Dreams....

The night before last I woke up at 3am from one of the worst dreams I've had as an adult. I am prone to nightmares, so that is nothing new. But, occasionally I have one that really affects me even after I wake up. This time there was a tiger loose in a 3 story house, and Jewel and I were trapped in the house with strangers. After witnessing a few near maulings and several bites, and hiding in every room in that crazy house, we ended up in the gas station down stairs. I don't know either. Then, as the tiger is strolling across the parking lot and past the pumps, I see Trevor following it. When I tried to call to him, my voice is hoarse and he can't hear me. Then, some teens in the parking lot, ignoring the tiger, start to tease Trevor and smack him. I was holding Jewel and scared to follow because of the tiger that apparently no one else cares is there. Then a truck almost hits Trevor, I woke up before I saw what happened. Trent is used to my crazy dreams by now, so he tried to hold me so I could go back to sleep; but, this time, it was no good. I don't believe that dreams mean anything, so usually I can go back to sleep. But, something about this dream bothered me. Finally, I got up and went to Trevor's bed. I held him and almost went back to sleep before Trent left for work. He was shocked to find me in Trevor's bed, but I was just glad that his bed is full sized. There were two other dreams that had this affect on me. One I had three days after Ethan was born. (I felt very differently about the supernatural, let's just say, back then.) I dreamt that I was giving birth again and my grandmother was next to the bed, by my mother and Aunt Dawn. Granny had been dead about two months then (I think) and she gave me this look that was her "don't worry, everything is going to be OK" look. My mother and aunt didn't believe me when I said she was standing there; they couldn't see her, in this dream. Then, I gave birth to a baby that was only skin and fluid. It was like a baby shaped bubble. The doctors told me the same thing they were saying about Ethan at the time. "We don't know what's wrong, we've never seen this before, we don't know how it will turn out." This was our second night staying at the Ronald McDonald house at Tampa General Hospital where Ethan was in the NICU. He was already breathing on his own, but everything else was still an unknown and we were very worried that he would never leave the NICU. I cried all day that day, but not just because of the terrifying dream. But, the absolute, by a long shot, worst dream I've had as an adult (and that's saying something) was the pickup truck to the moon dream. I have considered talking about it here many times, but I suppose now is the time to do it. I dreamed, about 3 months after Ethan died, that my family, a few aunts and uncles and all my cousins (on my mom's side), all piled into the front and back of a rusted old pickup truck and flew to the moon. When we got there, we found dune buggies. Just as some of us were climbing into the last one to explore the moon, a little toddler version of Ethan (that looked amazing like Trevor did at a year old) came out of the dark. He ran to me crying and I, crying too, held him and kissed him. In the dream, no one was surprised to see him, just happy for me. We played and explored for a while, then the horrible part happened. Everyone loaded back up to leave. Someone said that they didn't think he would exist if we tried to bring him back to Earth. I was torn between staying with him on the moon, alone or returning to my life. Trent and Taylor weren't on the moon, and I remember thinking, "If only Trent had come with me, he could have seen Ethan again." (Don't feel bad if your laughing, it is so ridiculous and funny to me, too.) Finally, I had to decide, it was time to go. I kissed him, and put him down, and tried to explain that I couldn't stay. He started crying and trying to climb into the truck. I had to push him off the truck several times. Finally as the truck was taking off, I had to reach down and pry his little hands off of the back of the truck and tell him that I couldn't stay. I felt like I was choosing to leave him behind, it was horrible and hard (even in a dream) to make myself push him away from the truck. In my dream, I was crying horribly (obviously) and when I woke it was no better, I was already sobbing with a soaked face and pillow, and I couldn't stop. It hurt as if it had really happened, and I cried very hard for hours. It seemed so real and hurt so bad to leave him. Even making the decision seemed real and difficult. I remember being so sad that Trent had not gone, because I thought that if only he had gone, we could both just stay there with Ethan. In all these dreams I can see the little things that put all the individual parts of the dreams in my brain, but I don't know why my brain chose to slap them together in such a crazy way. Thankfully, I don't always have nightmares. I do often have crazy vivid dreams, but some of them are good and most of them are funny. Last night, I slept fine, in my own bed, and Trevor woke up alone this morning.

Predictions, math, and probability....

I don't fully (barely partially) understand probability. At least, I think I don't. I don't have a lot of extra time to devote to studying it right now, either. I have, for the last two years, been waiting for Taylor to reach a point in his schooling when buying the lecture on it would be justified, and we're not there yet. Some of the lectures we have touch on it, but I feel that there is something about it that I don't know yet. Probably by next year he will be ready. Until then, I will try to continue tucking that nagging unsureness in my pocket. However, I think about the odds that affect my life often. The odds that Trent will get hurt (car crash, accident at work, etc) and be unable to work, before I am finished with school. The odds that his job will get cut, the odds that one of us will get cancer or some other disease, the odds that an unforeseen tragedy will prevent us from reaching our goals. Many of the things that I consider are things that, had we thought about them when we were younger, would not be so probable now. We consider these things and then do what we know we can to tip the odds in our favor. But, there are so many variables that affect so many tiny little aspects of our situation. If x happens, that will affect our boss this way, that will affect us that way. If the government does y, that will affect our finances this way. If z happens, that will affect the poor of our community this way, causing them to do this, increasing our chances of that happening, which will cause our financial situation to do that. And that would be bad. Now, usually when I hear, "If you have these....symptoms,situations, etc...this is 45% more likely", I often disregard it completely or do my own research about how the number was generated. However, since reading Collapse and Guns, Germs, and Steel, I have questioned lots of things that I once never even considered. Such as sending our kids to daycare and school. I homeschool mainly for psychological (family oriented) gains and learning benefits, but in the back of my mind I know that diseases are spread at schools and daycares. If there is some outbreak it will fly through schools like wildfire. I even shop during work hours to avoid overly crowded stores (another reason I don't go to Walmart very much). I know, I am outing myself as a paranoid freak, but there you have it. Collapse bred in me a different form of paranoia altogether. I started listening to my husband's rants about the decisions the government is making in a new light. I actually started watching C span, and reading articles about politics, economics, and (most surprising) war. So, when I got an email today that mentioned Diamond's outlook, I read it. That is how I found the video. Not that the information I already had hadn't made me consider the possibility of depression and collapse for our society. But, I didn't know how to do that math. I can't imagine all the variables that he can include in his algorithm, and I am glad for that. But, as I sat here watching it and thinking about the implications, I had one happy thought. I am glad that I was oblivious enough to happily give birth four times and blindly stride on toward our dreams with no knowledge that one day it may all fall apart. I can't really play ignorant now, the things I know affect my decisions even when I wish I didn't know better, but I don't intend to sit around waiting to see what happens before I decide what to do next. When did life get so complex, and who set up this insane system?

tidbits

"in either case, you're hosed. Don't try to pick your spot. It won't matter, you're dead." This is Taylor's favorite quote from the lecture by Dr. Tyson in the course titled My Favorite Universe. We were watching it and Taylor just cracked up when he said that. (He was talking about asteroid impacts of devastating size, like the one that struck 65 million years ago.) Also, Taylor's first game is tonight, and his coach is very impressed by Taylor's ability to listen to instructions and improve so quickly. I'm not surprised, but I am very proud. (We are, I should say.) Morlynn stayed with us last night and attended the "Opening day" ceremonies. She couldn't wait to brag that she will be making A's in math from now on. She said, "My teacher said my math abilities are 8th grade level!" Once again, I'm not surprised, I knew she was learning math very easily before she went back to school. (I have to say, I want to take a little credit for getting her there.) Jewel was so funny the other day staring in the mirror at her pig tails. She was laughing as she shook her head side to side and watched the pig tails wiggle. Very funny! And finally, Trevor was very sweet and funny helping me stir scrambled eggs two days ago. I wish I could remember the funny things he said, but he was very proud that he was "big enough" to help crack an egg, because he heard me tell Jellybean that she was not big enough to help. We added milk to the eggs that time, and he said, "MMM, they will taste like chocolate milk eggs!" Where does he get this stuff? So, that's where we are; happy, funny, and growing.