explanation and profile update...

Why a werewolf, a vampire, and pirates? When we first started dating, we had a discussion about a silly question. Would you rather be a werewolf or a vampire? I said vampire, and he said werewolf. We debated this ferociously for a while, and finally agreed that we were just different. The longer we have been together, the more we have seen that these answers said more about us than we realized. Do you have faith in brute strength or subtle ability, do you control yourself or act from instinct, do you howl at the moon sometimes or is every night an opportunity for spontaneous adventures? We've also learned that these differences don't matter as much as the fact that we could have the conversation at all. Our poor children are pirates because the pillage fun wherever they find it, and are raised by goons like us! Just me, talking to myself, about us. my little excursion into blogging. a work in progress.

Dreams....

The night before last I woke up at 3am from one of the worst dreams I've had as an adult. I am prone to nightmares, so that is nothing new. But, occasionally I have one that really affects me even after I wake up. This time there was a tiger loose in a 3 story house, and Jewel and I were trapped in the house with strangers. After witnessing a few near maulings and several bites, and hiding in every room in that crazy house, we ended up in the gas station down stairs. I don't know either. Then, as the tiger is strolling across the parking lot and past the pumps, I see Trevor following it. When I tried to call to him, my voice is hoarse and he can't hear me. Then, some teens in the parking lot, ignoring the tiger, start to tease Trevor and smack him. I was holding Jewel and scared to follow because of the tiger that apparently no one else cares is there. Then a truck almost hits Trevor, I woke up before I saw what happened. Trent is used to my crazy dreams by now, so he tried to hold me so I could go back to sleep; but, this time, it was no good. I don't believe that dreams mean anything, so usually I can go back to sleep. But, something about this dream bothered me. Finally, I got up and went to Trevor's bed. I held him and almost went back to sleep before Trent left for work. He was shocked to find me in Trevor's bed, but I was just glad that his bed is full sized. There were two other dreams that had this affect on me. One I had three days after Ethan was born. (I felt very differently about the supernatural, let's just say, back then.) I dreamt that I was giving birth again and my grandmother was next to the bed, by my mother and Aunt Dawn. Granny had been dead about two months then (I think) and she gave me this look that was her "don't worry, everything is going to be OK" look. My mother and aunt didn't believe me when I said she was standing there; they couldn't see her, in this dream. Then, I gave birth to a baby that was only skin and fluid. It was like a baby shaped bubble. The doctors told me the same thing they were saying about Ethan at the time. "We don't know what's wrong, we've never seen this before, we don't know how it will turn out." This was our second night staying at the Ronald McDonald house at Tampa General Hospital where Ethan was in the NICU. He was already breathing on his own, but everything else was still an unknown and we were very worried that he would never leave the NICU. I cried all day that day, but not just because of the terrifying dream. But, the absolute, by a long shot, worst dream I've had as an adult (and that's saying something) was the pickup truck to the moon dream. I have considered talking about it here many times, but I suppose now is the time to do it. I dreamed, about 3 months after Ethan died, that my family, a few aunts and uncles and all my cousins (on my mom's side), all piled into the front and back of a rusted old pickup truck and flew to the moon. When we got there, we found dune buggies. Just as some of us were climbing into the last one to explore the moon, a little toddler version of Ethan (that looked amazing like Trevor did at a year old) came out of the dark. He ran to me crying and I, crying too, held him and kissed him. In the dream, no one was surprised to see him, just happy for me. We played and explored for a while, then the horrible part happened. Everyone loaded back up to leave. Someone said that they didn't think he would exist if we tried to bring him back to Earth. I was torn between staying with him on the moon, alone or returning to my life. Trent and Taylor weren't on the moon, and I remember thinking, "If only Trent had come with me, he could have seen Ethan again." (Don't feel bad if your laughing, it is so ridiculous and funny to me, too.) Finally, I had to decide, it was time to go. I kissed him, and put him down, and tried to explain that I couldn't stay. He started crying and trying to climb into the truck. I had to push him off the truck several times. Finally as the truck was taking off, I had to reach down and pry his little hands off of the back of the truck and tell him that I couldn't stay. I felt like I was choosing to leave him behind, it was horrible and hard (even in a dream) to make myself push him away from the truck. In my dream, I was crying horribly (obviously) and when I woke it was no better, I was already sobbing with a soaked face and pillow, and I couldn't stop. It hurt as if it had really happened, and I cried very hard for hours. It seemed so real and hurt so bad to leave him. Even making the decision seemed real and difficult. I remember being so sad that Trent had not gone, because I thought that if only he had gone, we could both just stay there with Ethan. In all these dreams I can see the little things that put all the individual parts of the dreams in my brain, but I don't know why my brain chose to slap them together in such a crazy way. Thankfully, I don't always have nightmares. I do often have crazy vivid dreams, but some of them are good and most of them are funny. Last night, I slept fine, in my own bed, and Trevor woke up alone this morning.

Predictions, math, and probability....

I don't fully (barely partially) understand probability. At least, I think I don't. I don't have a lot of extra time to devote to studying it right now, either. I have, for the last two years, been waiting for Taylor to reach a point in his schooling when buying the lecture on it would be justified, and we're not there yet. Some of the lectures we have touch on it, but I feel that there is something about it that I don't know yet. Probably by next year he will be ready. Until then, I will try to continue tucking that nagging unsureness in my pocket. However, I think about the odds that affect my life often. The odds that Trent will get hurt (car crash, accident at work, etc) and be unable to work, before I am finished with school. The odds that his job will get cut, the odds that one of us will get cancer or some other disease, the odds that an unforeseen tragedy will prevent us from reaching our goals. Many of the things that I consider are things that, had we thought about them when we were younger, would not be so probable now. We consider these things and then do what we know we can to tip the odds in our favor. But, there are so many variables that affect so many tiny little aspects of our situation. If x happens, that will affect our boss this way, that will affect us that way. If the government does y, that will affect our finances this way. If z happens, that will affect the poor of our community this way, causing them to do this, increasing our chances of that happening, which will cause our financial situation to do that. And that would be bad. Now, usually when I hear, "If you have these....symptoms,situations, etc...this is 45% more likely", I often disregard it completely or do my own research about how the number was generated. However, since reading Collapse and Guns, Germs, and Steel, I have questioned lots of things that I once never even considered. Such as sending our kids to daycare and school. I homeschool mainly for psychological (family oriented) gains and learning benefits, but in the back of my mind I know that diseases are spread at schools and daycares. If there is some outbreak it will fly through schools like wildfire. I even shop during work hours to avoid overly crowded stores (another reason I don't go to Walmart very much). I know, I am outing myself as a paranoid freak, but there you have it. Collapse bred in me a different form of paranoia altogether. I started listening to my husband's rants about the decisions the government is making in a new light. I actually started watching C span, and reading articles about politics, economics, and (most surprising) war. So, when I got an email today that mentioned Diamond's outlook, I read it. That is how I found the video. Not that the information I already had hadn't made me consider the possibility of depression and collapse for our society. But, I didn't know how to do that math. I can't imagine all the variables that he can include in his algorithm, and I am glad for that. But, as I sat here watching it and thinking about the implications, I had one happy thought. I am glad that I was oblivious enough to happily give birth four times and blindly stride on toward our dreams with no knowledge that one day it may all fall apart. I can't really play ignorant now, the things I know affect my decisions even when I wish I didn't know better, but I don't intend to sit around waiting to see what happens before I decide what to do next. When did life get so complex, and who set up this insane system?

tidbits

"in either case, you're hosed. Don't try to pick your spot. It won't matter, you're dead." This is Taylor's favorite quote from the lecture by Dr. Tyson in the course titled My Favorite Universe. We were watching it and Taylor just cracked up when he said that. (He was talking about asteroid impacts of devastating size, like the one that struck 65 million years ago.) Also, Taylor's first game is tonight, and his coach is very impressed by Taylor's ability to listen to instructions and improve so quickly. I'm not surprised, but I am very proud. (We are, I should say.) Morlynn stayed with us last night and attended the "Opening day" ceremonies. She couldn't wait to brag that she will be making A's in math from now on. She said, "My teacher said my math abilities are 8th grade level!" Once again, I'm not surprised, I knew she was learning math very easily before she went back to school. (I have to say, I want to take a little credit for getting her there.) Jewel was so funny the other day staring in the mirror at her pig tails. She was laughing as she shook her head side to side and watched the pig tails wiggle. Very funny! And finally, Trevor was very sweet and funny helping me stir scrambled eggs two days ago. I wish I could remember the funny things he said, but he was very proud that he was "big enough" to help crack an egg, because he heard me tell Jellybean that she was not big enough to help. We added milk to the eggs that time, and he said, "MMM, they will taste like chocolate milk eggs!" Where does he get this stuff? So, that's where we are; happy, funny, and growing.

The other blog....

When I first started this blog, it sat for two months with nothing on it; I slowly started posting and it seems have found a way to make it work for me. Around the same time that I started using this one for little atheist outbursts (before the memory book concept started) I thought I would start one that, rather than focus on our family beliefs, would focus on the garden and our attempts to make our life more earth friendly. I really thought that I wouldn't post much on it, and at first I was right. But, there was a little spell when I did. I knew that it wouldn't last and when altglobe contacted me to be a contributor, I warned them that I was not of a mind to become some kind of voice for the earth. I care, but I don't have time to devote to the research or topic development, nor do I care to convince people to change their ways. I thought that I might occasionally find some information that I could pass on that would lend itself to changing others view of things, but I knew I tend to be a smart ass, so that was doomed to go wrong. And I really wanted to convince our loved ones to eat better (better is relative and subject to perspective, I know) but, also thought if they don't listen in person (when they can see the weight loss right in front of them) why will they listen to a post. But, I knew I could link research and informative articles to the posts, and that would help back up the arguments. However, I am not afraid to quit something when it doesn't work. And, it didn't. No time, no ability to write convincingly, etc. So, it's gone. Still I find myself, to the amusement of my husband and son, cussing at the TV when I see ads from corn farmers about how high fructose corn syrup is not the enemy. Yeah, right!! And, I practically want to scream at my inability to convince others that whole grains are way better for you than processed grains. All I can say is, I changed those two little things and lost 80 lbs without exercise. I'm not selling anything, and I don't have anything to gain from telling you that. It's a fact that if you eat whole grains you will stay full longer and eat less. Try it, if it doesn't work, then you can argue with me. If you aren't concerned with losing weight or stay thin, good for you, but it would still make you healthier. Whew, just had to get that out, that ad drives me nuts! On a side note, the sweet peas are still coming in, and some broccoli and cabbage and greens are growing fine. But, until Trent gets time off so we can use the compost to prepare the beds properly, as much as I hate to, we are going to hold off on planting anything else for this season. I will not have time to tend it and the ground is so stripped that without fertilizer not much will grow. And, I'm sure you can guess what I think of fertilizer. I have been munching on the peas, but there is never enough ready at one time to make a meal. Still, with the local, organic produce we use, my guilt meter is running pretty low. I hope that more people will start to eat organic and give up the meat at every meal mindset, but as it has been months since I found time to even bookmark helpful articles, I will not be trying to convince anyone to do so anymore. I suppose the economy will help with the other evil I see all around me, shopping nonstop. You know, buying every little stupid thing that has a cute commercial, so you can set it out on the shelf for all to see that you are the coolest, and have the coolest stuff. But, I still see that the latest greatest phones are all too popular and all the mom's at the ballpark are dressing in the latest fashion with their faces plastered with chemicals, and expensive little handbags tucked under their arms. So, I must still be a minority. Typical, it all goes back to high school when the English teacher told me I was "unladylike" in my soccer shorts. I just don't get why playing dress up became such a big deal in our society (I am sure that testosterone had something to do with it, but women with low self-esteem helped it along), and I refuse to participate in the foolishness.

Funschooling let loose!

Today we decided to watch one of the lectures from the Geology course, Lecture 7 I think, about mineral identification. The professor talked about methods of identifying minerals and about crystalline structures; that led to an excursion on the microscope. We just wanted to look at salt, then sugar. That led to a slide of sweet pea from the garden, then some flower petals and dog hairs. Now, I am trying to locate the kit that I used to test my blood (when I had gestational diabetes) because Taylor wants to see blood cells. We also explored the first two pages of the Usborne Complete Book of the Microscope and the links that go with it. Somehow that led us to the Microscopy Society of America website among others (google searches are Taylor's fave way to learn it seems). I think that I gave the kit to my mom's neighbor last year, so I may have to prick my finger myself. I am sure we are not finished for the day, but it was such a simplified example of how following your child's questions can lead to fantastic, real learning that I had to capture it here.

ha ha ha ha

all morning i've been watching stand up, while the videos from last night upload...

Speaking of marriage....

Jami and Pete tied that knot!!!! They had a wonderful ceremony in the garden. Jami, despite being pretty pregnant danced like a champ. Her dress was gorgeous and her groom, handsome. The funniest thing is that they chose the same colors for their wedding, that Trent and I were going to use before we went with denim. Trent's fave, orange and the closest thing to my fave, purple. It was a beautiful and fun wedding, and not just because I didn't have to chase babies. (Jewel actually, finally, spent an entire night away from home!) We had a great time and got to spend some fun time with Craig. Trent also got to see an old coach, and I got to see an old math teacher; it's always fun to see how time has changed people. The boys did the usual "humping dances" that they always seem to end up doing (I just don't get it) and I got blisters on my feet. We managed to miss all the slow songs (someone had to decorate the escape vehicle) but still had a blast. The videos really say it all. Well, except that ass-whipping that someone handed Gabe (he, he),in his own living room no less. No one took video of it (thankfully)but, Craig got a shot of the rug burns. Hmmm, I wonder if he'll stop trying me after this one. I seriously doubt it. The sad part is, it has been so long since I grappled (Trent stopped wrestling with me when I was pregnant, and never got back to it, I suppose he reckons that I'm fragile permanently from the babies) that he could almost take me this time, it has never been so close. If he had been sober, I would have lost (maybe); so, I am going to have to start training before he gets around to challenging me again. What fun! I hope Jami and Pete had as great a time after the wedding as we all did. I hope we all get to hang out again before Craig goes home, and I know Trent does, too. He had to jump out of bed for work bright and early this morning, poor guy. Two really late nights of drinking and both followed by work! He is totally feeling it. I (who didn't drink to a stupor), however, am getting a great Valentine's morning treat. There is not a single child in my house right now! Nothing but stand up on comedy central, funny drunk dancing videos on our youtube, and sushi in the fridge! It would be perfect if only Trent were home :(! Still, a nice break and it feels a little strange. When I woke, I actually forgot that they weren't here for a minute and wondered why Jellybean wasn't in our bed. So, Happy Love Day to all, especially my wonderful husband! Here are some of the videos from the wedding, there are more on our youtube channel (circusmind6); if you were at the wedding, you are probably on the vids, so check it out.

i really have tried....

to stop jumping on a soap box, because there are so many things that I wish were different. But, this video is so great, and I suppose all the "this is such crap" juices are threatening to bust out. Let me just release the pressure a touch.
"Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.

aspirations, life, real....

Trevor woke up in the middle of the night, pooped in the potty, and poured cereal on a plate (no milk thank goodness) and got a spoon. I found the cereal, spoon, and poop this morning. Later, he got bit by a few ants, and between the scratching and crying, said, "I think I don't love ants!" Funny and wonderful, but the fact that I have the chance to ponder it and record it for later is the best part. Trent and I were talking last night about our previous "aspirations". Five years ago we wanted another child and thought we had the job thing headed in the right direction. Two years ago we wanted better job situations and more time together. Seven years ago, all we wanted was plenty of time together and a porch with a great view. Now, we think of our aspirations in different terms than we did even two years ago. Trent's job situation is stable and, really, perfect for us right now. My job situation is finally headed in the direction that will help us in the long run (and makes me happy). I got my student number in the mail, yippee! And, our wishes for our children are in our own hands now, which is a big relief. And, we have worked the budget to the point that we aren't making payments on much, but still have a few little luxuries that help us accomplish all that we are trying to do. One of our most trying concerns over the years (beside money) has been the desire to spend time together and do things as a family and still have the money to have the luxury of homeschooling. Having the extra computers and finally having a laptop has really made a difference in the convenience of homeschooling, and allowing everyone to do what they enjoy, but still be together. As far as aspirations, there really aren't any that dominate our lives anymore. We don't sit around wishing for a farm, we know it is coming. We do keep reevaluating the plans that will get us there, but no wishing. And, I "aspire", sort of, to teach college physics one day. But, I have a lot of teaching (of our own kids) to do between now and then, so I am not really in a hurry to have two jobs. And, I know that going to school will be so fun for me, so despite the "one day" hopes, I am really just enjoying the process. I could blame our change in outlook on certain belief changes (we both feel strongly about that change in us) but, I don't want to start a firestorm of hate. At any rate, we are happy (finally) to be where we are, and will enjoy each tiny step on the way to where we are going. Even if the way we got here is totally not the way we thought it would go. So, anyway, the point is... our "realistic" is pretty great right now and it feels good to be aware and actively enjoying it. I love grabbing a quick video of everyone doing their favorite things. Also, I got the camera that has been on my wishlist for a year and have been using the heck out of it. Our videos now will be much better quality. I finally figured out how to upload with the highest quality, so I reloaded some of the earlier videos. I had the idea (once I decided to go the "memory book" route with this blog) that this blog would be completely "realistic". And, for the most part, it has. As in, I don't clean the house and build sets (so to speak) when I shoot video. Now that the videos are in HD, I may have to start cleaning more (just kidding). I'm not sure why that is such a big deal for me, but it has always been. I have even written hundreds of poems, diary entries, and little notes about "what is happening right now", or "what I see right now", and "what life is really like",etc. I just like pictures and videos best that are spontaneous and real. I have to admit that in the past, I didn't think there was anything presentable about our home, so I didn't shoot videos (I've mentioned before other reasons); and, there were also times (in particular homes) where I thought, "Wow, this is a wonderful place in our life, I wish I had a camera." It has been an exciting and varied seven (and a half) years. I love that I can get great videos now of all the things that we enjoy daily. Because, these are the little things that we wanted so much to have the time to enjoy. Trevor followed me into the closet and found his dad's gear. We started goofing and here you are. I really just slapped it together and used music from the flip software (I used the new laptop and there isn't any music on it yet) but still, it is cute. I may do some that are more "planned" or "pretty" one day, but don't hold your breathe. I love that we have a wonderful house to make messy, so I tend to relish in the mess.