:) that is all.

the strangest things bring me into the pain and sadness. only the knowledge turns me back on my way.


"The heart breaks and breaks and lives by breaking. It is necessary to go through dark and deeper dark and not to turn. ---from "The Testing Tree" by Stanley Kunitz


the strangest thing has happened. i am grateful for the things that this has added to my being. i don't mean that i am "over it" i think, just that i can kind of start to see the "bright side" if there is such a thing. i am surprised that i am so quickly able to do that. it seems strange to seemingly over night let go of feelings that i fought to hold onto for so long. but i like it. i am confident that my choices are leading me in the direction i have been trying to go and that if i keep following myself, i will get where i wanted to be all along. confident. that must be the change. i am confident in what i know, what i want, how i plan to get there, what i will and won't do, and where these choices will take me. feels good. now, to wait on a hurricane. i'm tying myself to the mast. arrrr!

I am ashamed to say that there is a thick wall between me and the outside world. It is permeable only to four kids and there is a window for my loved ones (all of them), but it will take a lot of chipping before I will be able to really interact with anyone else in more than a formal way. Hiding behind the internet mostly, that's me. Too disappointed to feel anything else. I am weird, I think.