words and their limited meanings box my thoughts into packages in which they do not properly fit...

and it begins... i will be taking this slowly because i don't want to mess it up.  i am going to get my van ready to go with new tires, spark plugs, radiator (just replaced the battery), and just in general make sure it can handle all the driving i will be asking of it.  then, i will take my time finding a different place to live (my original choice will not work because of new expenses that have cropped up since planning began).  i will just stay with my parents in the meantime.  once i have a place picked out, i plan to slowly take things from this home to that one, but i want to be careful to pick things that will make my place fun without making this place seem like it is missing too much (i am thinking of the kids things here).  while all of this is going on, i will be getting a new routine worked out, getting A's in all my classes, trying to prevent taylor from missing too many music lessons, and trying to play with the kids some.  as soon as i get into my own place and get things settled, i want to get our activities back to fun.  i want coloring, art, science, games, exercise, grappling, and fun plundering back in my life.  i can't wait to have a reason to take some more great pictures of our lives again.  the hardest thing, i think, is going to be getting through all of this without resenting trent and without being angry that the outcome will not be as good as the perfection i once saw in our lives.  (i know it wasn't really perfect, but it felt that way so often, that i allowed myself to believe it was close enough to call it.)  i hope that i can quickly see improvement in the areas that needed it, because that will help.  i also hope that i can find ways to make the new reality better than i can imagine now, with new and unexpected discoveries along the way.  there i go getting positive and hopeful.  at least i haven't lost that part of me yet.